Today was awesome. Of corse Dutch had moments of two year old crazy but they didn't phase me, really. Not even when I was trying to load groceries in the car and he let go of my hand and started running around the car, cracking up that I could not catch him. I was not happy about this, but I didn't let it "get" me. There was a lady sitting in her car and I think she was thinking I was the worst mom ever because my son was probably going to get hit by a car (he didn't) because I could not catch him. I was cool as a cucumber through it all. I was not so cool come 5:00pm. I just needed some me time and I was to the end of my mom rope for the time being. I needed some disconnect, some space, some freedom, even just a few minutes. The funny thing is, I make it so hard on myself. I told Chad I was going to go for a run and all I had to do was go.
Dutch was chasing me, saying MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY, he can sense when I am leaving his side and he no likey. He was whining for me to pick him up and grabbing onto my legs. All I had to do was leave. I keep doing things like getting his dinner ready, trying to find him a movie so he will be distracted. All the while, Chad is like-babe, just go. (p.s. Chad was sitting on the couch with his feet up, drinking a beer, no stress in sight. How do men do that so well??)
um...just go?! just go?! I can't go if my baby is not happy! I spend my days and nights making sure this BEING is taken car of. Is happy. Is cherished like the LOVE CHILD that he is. I cant NOT leave when he is not happy. While this whole thing (that I am creating) is going on I can feel myself boiling inside. While I am not listening to my body or my spirit and just heading out the door for some much earned alone time, I am creating the weirdest guilt. My theme this week has been that mom guilt doesn't have to exist because moms, like myself, make it up. Tonight it was there and I was observing it first hand. Once Chad got Spiderman going, Dutch was distracted so I left.
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh........thank you.
As soon as I was out the door I could feel myself coming back into balance. I have not ran for a long time but damn it felt good. I made the perfect playlist and I was instantly in my groove. I forgot to mention, I didn't even bring my BFF, Vader. I never run without Vader but tonight, I just needed to be by myself. No dog to distract me from my pace and my path, my focus. No kid in a stroller to entertain. This is another example of how fitness can completely help balance a mom's chakra's. I could feel myself releasing any stress from the day step by step. I ended up running way further than I planned and was home 45 minutes later feeling ready to be mom again. I walked in the door and Dutch was so excited to see me. I would not let myself feel bad for getting frustrated earlier. It happened, oh well.
Sometimes its just rooting yourself on to find the happy thoughts. To tell yourself you are doing an awesome job and its okay to get away.
I needed that tonight, big time.
This is TOTALLY the space I've been in pretty much since Hutch was born. I struggle with HUGE feelings of guilt for ever spending two minutes away from him, for doing anything for myself when I AM with him and for getting frustrated when I hit the end of my rope with him. My therapist recommended a book called "The Myth of the Perfect Mother" that might help you! When I'm totally done with it, I can pass it over. I'm just inspired by you walking out the door and taking a run for yourself and how you came back in the door ready to be a mom again. That's EXACTLY how I feel when I come back home after a spinning class with you!! XOXO
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