Thursday, September 7, 2017

Lovingly The End

She closed her eyes and knew it was the last time she would see her family.
She was scared.
She also knew it felt familiar.  Like she knew where she was going although part of her had no idea.
She let go.
She gave in.
She was gone.
To everyone else but herself.  She was gone.
In the blink of an eye she saw her entire life flash before her.  Like watching a movie.  She saw and felt every moment.  She felt it from their perspective- and from hers.  She did not judge herself, but she realized so much.  She understood she was here to grow and to learn.  To be better than she was in the life before.  To connect and to trust.  To speak up and be confident in who she was.  To love herself and everyone around her.  That was the good stuff.  That is what she will miss about not having a body.  In that moment she realized how much energy she wasted with negative thoughts and disconnection during her time on the earth plane but she understood it was part of the journey of living.
She watched the movie fade away with so much love and understanding.
She realized she was surrounded by the most loving and warm light she had ever felt.  It was surrounding her entire being and in that moment she realized it was with her the whole time.

There is no such thing as perfect

Honestly, I love this picture of my family.  I love it.  I also look at it and think, wow.  if people only knew what that day was really like. It was definitely not a bad day but it was not perfect by any means. Not as perfect as this picture might make one think.  My biggest energy suck these days is how I look at Facebook and often I compare myself or my family with others.  I don't even realize I am doing it because at times it is like a mindless scroll.

Yesterday was the fourth of July and The Phillips were ready for a lot of fun.  Mixed into the fun was Chad and I pissing each other off for a good half hour, a little boredom, feelings of being too tired to go to the fireworks, some TV action, getting to the parade in Kirkland about 40 minutes late. Trying to go to the food vendors and seeing the longs lines and deciding to go to QFC instead because every restaurant was closed and the entire family was HANGRY as hell.  Chad trying to beat the holiday traffic out of the fireworks show and being a psychopath with his fast walking to get to the car. I mean, it was just a normal day but there was some "not perfect" sprinkled in.  I would not trade any of it for the world.  I love my family and anything that comes with it.  Life is messy.  Its boring at times.  It is yin and yang.  It is not perfect. ever. I would never want it that way. 

As I said, I love this photo of our family and at the same time, I am like........dang, they look like they haven't a care in the world. But that is all facebook is.  The highlight reel.  The good stuff.  The cherished moments.  I love it for that.  I love that facebook can make me a slide show, add some music and stir up emotions and nostalgia that I needed.  I love the highlight reel, but if you are anything like me, you compare your life and your self to everyone else's highlight reel.

Let's be messed up. everyone. Let's be super messed up and in love with our own mess.
And fuck facebook.

Listen to what you already know

I just called a radio show to ask a question I already knew the answer to.  I am honestly a bit disappointed in myself for not listening to myself, but I am working on changing that tune right now. It won't help me to be upset with myself.  What will help me is starting to listen to my own knowing.  I have worked so hard to be able to hear and feel the knowing.  It has taken years of conscious effort to get past the bullshit and feel the important stuff.
Now I need to follow its guidance.
So I called the show and I basically said, "Hi Marie, can you please tell me why my sister and stepmom hate me so much and why I feel guilty distancing myself and why I am afraid that my dad and brother won't understand and think it is all my fault that family is not the way it should be?"
I already knew the answer.
I needed her to tell me it was okay to not work at a relationship with them. I needed her to tell me I was not a bad person for giving up on what I think a family should be. I needed her to tell me I was not horrible even though they don't care to have a relationship with me.  She did tell me all of that and I instantly vowed to really listen to myself.  I have asked energy workers for years, what should I do?  who am I?  can you tell me my purpose?  I have gotten some wonderful, beautiful, healing help and advice through the years.  It is time, though, for me to help myself.  I am smart. I have a strong intuition.  I need to do the work to be able to guide myself.  I already know what that work looks like.  It is quieting down.  It is journaling.  It is staying in a high vibration.  It is saying sweet things to myself.  It is redirecting my thoughts when they are not supportive or helpful. 
It is knowing that I am extremely empathic and taking the time to separate my feelings from others and realize when I feel guilt, sometimes it is not REAL.  It is guilt release training with breath and loving myself and TRUST. Trust myself and the Universe.