Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Nap from God Ice Cream Break

I just had a bowl of soy peanut butter and chocolate ice cream, with a glob of peanut butter on top.  I paired it with a delicous cup of coffee.  Let me tell you, it was amazing.  I decided to give in to this little fantasy after about 2 hours of thinking about it.  I can guaruntee if Dutch was not still sleeping it would not have happened.  I tend to really try to relax when Little D is taking a nap but I don't always do a great job.  Today I just turned on Army Wives on netflix and kept hoping for the relaxed, I am resting, feeling to hit me.  It never did.  I just kept thinking about how tired I was and that ice cream and coffee sounded BOMB.  BOMB.COM. So bomb that they might take away my exhaustion, transport me to a land where my two year old son gives me back rubs and pedicures.  He changes his own diaper and is happy and sweet all day long.  (he is the sweetest most beautiful boy in the world, btw, he still kicks my ass)

So, Dutch is into hour three of his nap from GOD (Naps from God are atleast three hours plus) and I decided to do it.  I knew before I ate this that if it was going to happen I was not allowed to feel guilty.  I would do it.  ENJOY THE HELL OUT OF IT.  And move on. 

There was a time in my life when this little indulgance would have sent me into a depressed spiral of shame but as 34 (almost) year old AMAZING MOM GODDESS CASEY, I am learning to enjoy these moments of delicousness.  Why not?  Really, why not.  I love my body and I love ice cream and I think these two things can go hand in hand.

I also realize if I would have read a book during nap time or actually took a nap myself, I would not have turned to the desert.  Sometimes I make the wrong choice, I act a fool, I over caffenate, I nag my husband.  I am human.  A mom human. 

In this moment I am VERY proud of myself for eating desert in the middle of the day and feeling happy about it.  That is a big accomplishment for me.  I re-learned ( I already knew this) that tv does not relax me at all and when Dutch is taking a nap I need to do things that are good for me.  Being overly tired and MOM'ing all morning makes me want to eat chocolate or peanut butter in any form unless I find some constructive down time for myself.  (I also learned that Army Wives is an awful show that I love to love.  I kind of want to be Roxy and am in love with Matt even though he had that drug problem after he got back from Iraq)

I do kind of have a tummy ache now.  I will remember this tummy ache tomorrow when I am READING my book, sipping my green tea during nap time.

So far, a great day at the office.

Friday, April 13, 2012

Body Image Nirvana, the constant quest

I love myself so much and can't wait to look into the mirror each morning. I thank my body for being so amazing and living with me each day, working hard, supporting me no matter what. AND THEN I WOKE UP. Does anyone out there really feel that way? Is it even possible to be kind to our bodies every day, every second of the day? My guess is that it might always take a level of effort to quiet the negative thoughts when they creep in but I have to believe if I put the intention out there, I can achieve that level of body image nirvana.

I have already come so far in my journey. I could be so cruel within my own mind, even when I was completely beautiful. (Even typing that I used to be completely beautiful makes me cringe for a second but I will carry on, part of the journey) Knowing how far I have come gives me faith that continuing to search for all the love I can find for myself will bring me to a more loving place till the end of time. I want to be 100 years old and loving the hell out of myself. I sometimes daydream of how easy it will be to let all the shit go when I am older than dirt, wrinkled-so the pressure of being beautiful is gone, eating all the desert I can handle because who cares, I am an old lady?! How demented and twisted is that?! I am definitely not going to wait till my old wrinkly, cute granny years to find my self. I know it starts today so whenever I find myself being completely judgemental I ask myself a few questions to snap myself out of it:

What would you say to Kelly (my bff) if she was thinking these things about herself? The answer here is always the same. I would tell her she was nuts and that she is gorgeous and fantastic and AMAZING!!!

What does Chad (hubs) think of you? He is constantly telling me I am beautiful (cringe again) and he loves me so much. Why am I being so mean to myself when I am married to an amazing man who thinks I am gorgeous?

What would I do if I heard my lil sis picking on herself? This one REALLY gets me. I love my sister so much and I never want her to struggle with judging how she looks. She is completely and totally gorgeous and I want her to know that every day all day. I want her to step into her power and own that hot bod. Feel confident and free. Women in this world rarely do that as much as they should.

When I think about the women in my life I honestly can't think of a single woman who does not pick on themselves regarding their looks. Not one. How is that possible?! They are all so beautiful in different ways. Why in the world are they not celebrating that every damn day? I would love to blame the media, tv, magazines, all of the evil tools out there that don't help the case. But really.....we are the one's picking up the mags. We are the one's who watch the tv shows that lead to self doubt. We are the one's comparing ourselves, deciding the airbrushed reality star is who we should look like. How about we all stop that today? I am not kidding. Let's make it simple. It might be a conscious effort everyday to let the negative thoughts go but let's start with today. One day at a time. Wake up and look ourselves in the mirror, tell ourselves we are gorgeous. I am going to stop typing to go to the mirror right now.

***Looking in the mirror, saying sweet nothings***

Okay, that was actually quite fantastic. Even if you may not believe the words now, keep saying them. You never know when your perspective will change. Let's all be in charge of finding as much love for our bodies as we can. This has to start now. Not 10lbs. from now. Not when you get to your goal weight. Of coarse you can still want to lose a few pounds but why not start loving your body while you are on your journey, even if you want to lose 100 lbs?

What sparked this intense rant? I had an amazing workout with a room full of super hot, fun women last night. There were three Instructors in that class and afterwards we were discussing how we feel in our bodies. I was SHOCKED to hear the other ladies describe what they were focusing on during class. It was nothing major but there was some negative in there. I was watching them in class thinking I wanted to BE them. I was in the same boat, staring myself down, going through a mix of thoughts like- "dang, my guns look good-to-man, I would look so much better if I could just shed a layer of fat- to- Man, look at HER, she is doing this so much better than I am." My brain was all over the place and the other ladies had the same experience. We all confirmed that we thought the others were crazy. They had the same game playing in their brain. It was like a science experiment into the female brain. The conclusion-every single woman I know is way too hard on themselves, myself included.

Deep breath.

The good news is, we are all in charge of this. Let's keep truckin, keep finding the love, keep surrounding ourselves with people who support us. I am so proud of how far I have come in my journey and it will never stop. Today I am going to be kind to me. When I look in the mirror I am going to smile and say thank you. When I pick up my heavier than hell son and throw him around, I am going to be proud of my strength. When I hear a negative thought I am going to observe it and quickly let it go. Small steps matter. Let's support eachother, girls. Get our power back.

There is so much to this message but for now, I want to focus here. I hope that being open and honest about this helps someone else realize they are not alone in their struggles. Whether you feel you have far to go or are on your path, I appreciate you. I support you. Now go look in the mirror and say something amazing! If you are ready for the next step, START BELIEVING IT!!!!

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

The Spiderman Sneak Attack Workout

Today was one of those days that was just so awesome I feel like a zombie right now. It is only 8pm. I mom'd my ass off and I am exhausted. I did get my workout in today, which is always an accomplishment. Dutch, Vader and I took ourselves to the park to see what we could come up with. I knew I wanted cardio today and I am very happy that I got it. It was misty raining out this morning, but we still went for it. Misty rain is great when you want to workout at the park because the place is usually empty. Today of all days, everyone had my idea. We usually walk to Grass Lawn park which is uphill pretty much the whole way. I clocked it today and it took us 17 minutes. We usually just hop on an empty field and do some sprints, burpees and whatever else sounds fun. When we got there and saw everyone and their mama on the fields, we came up with plan B. I figured we could run around the track even though there was kids soccer practice going on. Fun, right? mmmmm, fun for one lap before Dutch decided he didn't want to be on that rainy track, watching the other kids do cool soccer moves.

No problem! Time for Plan C. We all just started walking around the park and did a bit of exploring. I strategically had us walk past the play structure, looking at the AMAZING trees and grass (distraction so Dutch would not want to go on the wet slide and detour my workout) right to the tippy top of the park. I could not belive Dutch got back in his stroller willingly but it happened so away we went. We just kept walking as fast as I could power walk up to Bridle Trails which is about another 10 mins up hill. Not bad! My body was enjoying the power walk. I usually go so hard core that today I was diggin on the low core. But then I wanted to sweat. SO! We did a nice jog home and I still felt like I had some mojo. I have never taken Dutch into our apartment complex workout room and today was his day. I told him we were going to see a MAGIC, HIDDEN room and it would be so cool! The gym is not bad at all and has the basics. There is also a flat screen tv to entertain the Dutch man. I got in atleast 10 mins of hard core elliptical before he started to go nuts. I did pick him up and elliptical with him which he thought was hilarious. We then moved to the treadmill and I actually jogged with him in my arms for a minute. Not really that cool although again, he thought it was awesome.
By the time I got back home we had been out and about doing our workout adventure for over an hour and a half! I will take it!

We never really stopped the action today and went on many little adventures including fro yo and Juanita Beach. Two year olds are so crazy because one minute they are the light of your life, bringing you so much joy, then its time to go home and they become DEMON CHILD.

You will see my little angel playing on the beach, so peaceful.
Right after this innocent picture he ran into the water, up to his knees. Managed to cover himself in sand. Chase some ducks. When I told him it was time to go he FAAAAREAKED out. He was the kid kicking and screaming, begging me to let him stay. Uh......no. Homie don't play that, Dutch.

Being a mom all day and night for the rest of my life (doesn't that blow your mind, sometimes?!) is something I am fully in love with but at the same time, can just wipe me out. I understand how people can put exercise off or think they are too tired. That is when I encourage you to find things the whole family can do or atleast find something you love, that makes you feel good. I appreciated Dutch as a workout partner today and I love that feeling of accomplishment after a good workout.

I will also share that my baby is not in a crib anymore. On an impulse I tore that sucker down today and just decided it was time Dutch had a bed (which is a mattress on the floor right now cuz I was kinda crazy and did this with no plan). It was such a surreal moment. My baby........in a bed. Or atleast not a crib. Even typing this right now and picturing his little body on that bed like such a big boy makes my eyes water a bit. I am so proud of him and who he is.
Kids really do grow up so fast. Before you know it they are out of the house and you are back with just you. It is so important to make sure you know who that is. Its okay to take the time to remember yourself when you are mom'ing your ass off. It's okay to continue to sneak in time for yourself when you need it, whether its for a workout or just to close your eyes and breathe. Make sure you are looking out for yourself, ladies. You are allowed to love yourself too.