Thursday, December 14, 2017


Someone recently asked me about my marriage.  She said “you and your husband seem so happy.  How do you do that?”  I thought,  Really?    I really don’t know if my marriage is “normal” because I don’t know what goes on in others.  There is so much that goes on in our home that I realize no one knows but us.  Families are so sacred.  So close.  So important. 
Chad and I met a long time ago.  He was 21 and I was 23.  I was working at a big gym at the time and he walked in with his muscles and his big blonde hair, his tanning bed tan and I was like…..DAYUM.  who dat.
We became very good friends.  I had just gone through heart break and I had decided to find my independence.  I ended up moving to San Diego and Chad and I lost touch…….until he found my on myspace.  Yup.  Totally.
I eventually moved home from California to be with Chad, although, maybe I didn’t know it at the time.  “I was so not moving home for any guy.” We were not dating for very long before we got married.  Looking back now, I knew I was head over heels in love with him when we got married.  I don’t think I really knew him yet but I knew why I wanted to marry him.  He loved me.  He loved me no matter what and he supported me.  He was funny and there was that connection with him.  It was this unexplainable connection.   I just knew he was my guy.  For life.  I also loved his family, that was a big deal.
Okay so here we are.  Married for seven years, almost eight.  I still really do love him with all of my heart.  I am still head over heels.  Let me explain before you throw up everywhere.  With each year and each struggle, each fight, each parenting decision, each laugh, each night, each day, I think we get to know each other better.  I would imagine at this rate, we are going to be so peaceful by the time we get to 100.  We will know exactly how the other works. 
The first year of our marriage was confusing.  We were already living together but that took some getting used to.  We fought a lot that first year, if I can remember.  Chad was a Trooper in the state patrol.  He was going through stuff I knew nothing about and I was……….I really don’t know what I was……needy, confused sometimes?  I don’t know but we fought.  We also were willing to try to understand what the other needed.  We worked on ourselves.
With each year though, clarity comes. 
I think kids change everything.  We had Dutch three years into our marriage.  I had post partum depression which was not easy but Chad was the one who helped me through that. 
It would be ridiculous to even go into all of our challenges.  We have already had many.  Not every day is an ON day but most days are. 
I do think the most important thing that we give each other is ourselves.  Chad is Chad.  He swears a lot.  He is hilarious.  He pisses me off.  He is a good dad.  He sucks at gifts and holidays.  I mean....I love him for who he is and I don't need him to be perfect because I am not perfect.  I am emotional and sensitive and he understands me.  I talk to him.  I realize I have to say what I need sometimes and so does he.  We share goals, we are in this life as a team.  He has always supported me, that is for sure.  I wanted to quit my corporate job and work at the mall selling yoga pants.  He said, okay, I support you.  He wants to go back to school to get his degree, yes, I support you. 

The main thing, I realize, is not comparing my relationship to someone else's.  There is no, "what SHOULD we be doing?"
We know our family goals because we make them together. I don't think we are very good at setting marriage goals but to me, they are unspoken and spoken at the same time. We listen to each other, we support each other, we value ourselves as individuals and we value our family as a team.  So whatever shit comes up, and IT DOES, we work through it better today because we have worked on that. I appreciate the shit that does come up because it helps us get to a more peaceful place every time. 

The Journey

I am in the middle of a journey.
A journey of my soul.
It is odd to be at a point in my life when I am actually aware of this and in the journey at the same time.
I have created such an awareness over the years.
I am grateful for that.
I am grateful for myself. For the desire to embark on this path, knowing it will change me.
Because it feels bigger than me.
It feels like a big shadow that is leaning over a small child.

The shadow is not as scary as it first appears.
It is fear.
Fear feels bigger than it is every time.
I have to walk through.
Every time I think of backing down.  Pretending I don't need this lesson, my body whispers the truth.  It feels like a hollow pit inside my belly.  It feels like a bold faced lie.  It feels like screaming without noise.
Wake up, sweet girl.
You can face this and you will be okay.
Trust the journey.
Trust the truth.
The choice was already made the moment you decided to live AWAKE.


Sunday, October 22, 2017

***I wrote this blog post probably three or four years ago and have never put it out there. I know it is very unfinished but I just want to post this right now. I am not embarrassed or afraid of any of my woo woo anymore. In fact, I think it is my favorite thing ever.  Why be ashamed of that?

Sometimes I catch myself in a moment of pure bliss.  I felt one tonight when we were coming home from Dutch's first time at the movies.  I am happy most of the time but sometimes I am go go go so I don't really FEEL it.  I have been working my ass off lately and it feels good and exhausting at the same time.  I have been enjoying motherhood and family time when I have it and it is amazing and again exhausting at the same time.  I think because I care so much about both things that I put my heart and soul into both which takes more energy.  Tonight I was able to actually feel some of the down right, absolutely, in the present, a-ha, here is is-happiness.  I am not sure if most people feel this all the time constantly, but I get bursts of it.  It is like all of a sudden I realize I am exactly where I want to be and exactly how I want to feel. 

I am proud of this because I have been working on happiness on a grander scale for the past 7 years.  It all started with the book, The Secret.  I know it is a controversial book but that book led me to the spiritual world of many things I never knew existed.  Energy, spirit, the laws of the Universe, Mediums, and really just being in charge of what I create and who I am in this world.

I don't even know where to start so I guess I will start with the resource I discovered after the Secret.  I went onto i tunes and searched for the Law of Attraction.  Something by Abraham Hicks came up and I put it on my ipod and went out for a walk.  I had no idea who Abraham Hicks was or what I was about to listen to.  This was my first real lesson in trusting my gut and not turning away from something just because it was "weird."  Abraham Hicks was that weird.  I am walking along, listening to this nice couple talk about things that made so much sense to me.  I loved their message, their calming tone, their loving thoughts about the world.  Then they explained that Abraham was channeled through Ester Hicks.  Abraham is from the other side and is coming through Ester to help us understand why we are here or something like that.  Um...........what the f$%#.  That is literally what I thought.  I got a weird feeling in my tummy and was instantly scared because I had never heard of anything like this.  So this Abraham voice comes through Esther and her voice sounds weird and I was about to turn it off when something stopped me.  I think this is the first time I really heard my own inner voice.  It is like when you know it is YOU inside your own head.  Well my inner Casey said, don't turn this off.  Keep listening.  So I did.  I did and I actually was blown away by the lessons Abraham was teaching me.    I decided then and there without even realizing it that I was on a journey.

The tough parts of life put us on our path to awakening and success.  By the time I started to seek out things, books, people to help me..... I felt lost. I guess that is why I was seeking answers.  I had I wanted to feel good in my skin, to feel proud to be me, to let go of all of the pain of life that was holding me back.  When I look back at how much energy I invested into the wrong things, I just shake my head.

It's funny, I have been thinking about blogging forever.  Thinking about it, like, I need to do it but I don't know what to say......
Tonight I decided to just sit down and write and see what came out. 
I would have never thought I would write about Abraham.  How very vulnerable of me.
I guess I am about to share a story of the last seven years...not sure how I feel about this yet.  I might change my mind.

*** I know I wrote that last part because I have always wanted to write a book. The thing is, I don't know what to write about and if I really even do want to write a book. I think it is just this thing that I think will get me to write. I don't do it enough. It is my favorite thing to do and I fear it at the same time. What is that?  I feel creative and I feel my creativity wanting to crawl out of me but I push it down. I push it down with mom'ing, with working out, with watching tv, with cleaning the apartment, with anything I can.  writing is never as important.  That makes me sad............

Thursday, September 7, 2017

Lovingly The End

She closed her eyes and knew it was the last time she would see her family.
She was scared.
She also knew it felt familiar.  Like she knew where she was going although part of her had no idea.
She let go.
She gave in.
She was gone.
To everyone else but herself.  She was gone.
In the blink of an eye she saw her entire life flash before her.  Like watching a movie.  She saw and felt every moment.  She felt it from their perspective- and from hers.  She did not judge herself, but she realized so much.  She understood she was here to grow and to learn.  To be better than she was in the life before.  To connect and to trust.  To speak up and be confident in who she was.  To love herself and everyone around her.  That was the good stuff.  That is what she will miss about not having a body.  In that moment she realized how much energy she wasted with negative thoughts and disconnection during her time on the earth plane but she understood it was part of the journey of living.
She watched the movie fade away with so much love and understanding.
She realized she was surrounded by the most loving and warm light she had ever felt.  It was surrounding her entire being and in that moment she realized it was with her the whole time.

There is no such thing as perfect

Honestly, I love this picture of my family.  I love it.  I also look at it and think, wow.  if people only knew what that day was really like. It was definitely not a bad day but it was not perfect by any means. Not as perfect as this picture might make one think.  My biggest energy suck these days is how I look at Facebook and often I compare myself or my family with others.  I don't even realize I am doing it because at times it is like a mindless scroll.

Yesterday was the fourth of July and The Phillips were ready for a lot of fun.  Mixed into the fun was Chad and I pissing each other off for a good half hour, a little boredom, feelings of being too tired to go to the fireworks, some TV action, getting to the parade in Kirkland about 40 minutes late. Trying to go to the food vendors and seeing the longs lines and deciding to go to QFC instead because every restaurant was closed and the entire family was HANGRY as hell.  Chad trying to beat the holiday traffic out of the fireworks show and being a psychopath with his fast walking to get to the car. I mean, it was just a normal day but there was some "not perfect" sprinkled in.  I would not trade any of it for the world.  I love my family and anything that comes with it.  Life is messy.  Its boring at times.  It is yin and yang.  It is not perfect. ever. I would never want it that way. 

As I said, I love this photo of our family and at the same time, I am like........dang, they look like they haven't a care in the world. But that is all facebook is.  The highlight reel.  The good stuff.  The cherished moments.  I love it for that.  I love that facebook can make me a slide show, add some music and stir up emotions and nostalgia that I needed.  I love the highlight reel, but if you are anything like me, you compare your life and your self to everyone else's highlight reel.

Let's be messed up. everyone. Let's be super messed up and in love with our own mess.
And fuck facebook.

Listen to what you already know

I just called a radio show to ask a question I already knew the answer to.  I am honestly a bit disappointed in myself for not listening to myself, but I am working on changing that tune right now. It won't help me to be upset with myself.  What will help me is starting to listen to my own knowing.  I have worked so hard to be able to hear and feel the knowing.  It has taken years of conscious effort to get past the bullshit and feel the important stuff.
Now I need to follow its guidance.
So I called the show and I basically said, "Hi Marie, can you please tell me why my sister and stepmom hate me so much and why I feel guilty distancing myself and why I am afraid that my dad and brother won't understand and think it is all my fault that family is not the way it should be?"
I already knew the answer.
I needed her to tell me it was okay to not work at a relationship with them. I needed her to tell me I was not a bad person for giving up on what I think a family should be. I needed her to tell me I was not horrible even though they don't care to have a relationship with me.  She did tell me all of that and I instantly vowed to really listen to myself.  I have asked energy workers for years, what should I do?  who am I?  can you tell me my purpose?  I have gotten some wonderful, beautiful, healing help and advice through the years.  It is time, though, for me to help myself.  I am smart. I have a strong intuition.  I need to do the work to be able to guide myself.  I already know what that work looks like.  It is quieting down.  It is journaling.  It is staying in a high vibration.  It is saying sweet things to myself.  It is redirecting my thoughts when they are not supportive or helpful. 
It is knowing that I am extremely empathic and taking the time to separate my feelings from others and realize when I feel guilt, sometimes it is not REAL.  It is guilt release training with breath and loving myself and TRUST. Trust myself and the Universe.

Wednesday, May 10, 2017

Slowing down

I started a pretty amazing new job about 4 months ago.  I get to travel, work close to home, work with great people, feel supported in what I do, enjoy going to work, all the good things.
When I was in the process of accepting this job, my husband was in a job that was sucking the life out of him.  He dreaded going to work, he was surrounded by negativity at the office, they expected him to live and breathe IT support, family was second at this company, there was no work life balance if you wanted to do well.  Chad was doing it and he was pretending it was all good, but I knew it was not.  He hated his job.  I hated that he hated his job. 
At the same time Chad was in his shitty job, Dutch was going to a daycare after school every day.  The woman would pick him up from school, take him to her house and Chad would have to race to pick him up every night by 6pm.
This meant,
Chad got home at around 6:40pm from picking up Dutch because the traffic from her house was that far.
I got home around 6:30pm.
Dutch would then  have to rush to do his homework, rush to shower, no time for friends......lame.
Chad and I were tired, with no time to sit down because now we only had about two hours to do Dutch's homework, make dinner, clean up, shower everyone and read, go to bed.
It felt rushed, it felt hectic, it felt stupid, it felt mainland, it felt expected, it felt wrong.  I kept wondering did Hawaii teach us anything?  The island taught us that there is something better than this.  How are we in this rat race right now?
I think I was the one who told Chad to quit his job.
I was going to be making great money, nothing crazy- but we would be comfortable and not have to worry.  We wouldn't have to panic trying to find a sitter if I was going to be traveling.  We would save massive money on child care.  But really, what mattered the most is we would not have to feel like we were rushing through life.  We would get to slow down and enjoy each other.  We would have a parent permanently there to actually have time to be a parent.  Dutch would get to play with friends after school, do all the things with ease and it just felt BETTER.
So here I am in Riverside, California.
On a work trip.
I get a missed call from Dutch's school.  Whenever the school calls I get the most intense pit of fear in my tummy. 
They left me a voicemail that said Dutch was in the nurses office.  Okay..........what?!   I am in California hearing this voicemail and freaking out.  Here is what I want to the time I called the school Chad had already handled it.  He was already communicating with them, Dutch was already back to class and fine, and I thanked THE LAWD that Chad was not distracted by a job and he could focus on being the parent to be ready to take care of this stuff.  Chad and I talked and we decided everything was all good and the moment of stress was short lived but I am so grateful we chose to have our situation this way.
I get a lot of strange looks when I say my husband doesn't work.  I feel judgment from a lot of people, some of them very close to me, when I say that Chad is the stay at home parent.  I think, would they even question a stay at home mom?
For example, we got passports earlier this year and the woman in the office asked Chad, "what is your occupation?"  He said, "stay at home dad." she said, "but you must do something. what is your job or are you in school?"  I could not believe it.  What I wanted to tell her was, Chad gets extra time to play with his son.  Chad does homework, the dishes, the trash, goes to Costco, handles emergencies, picks up from school, plays football with our son, soccer, and he gets to be happy.  He gets to slow the F down and be happy.
I don't think you can ever really decide what is right for another family.  You can't know what they need and want because it is what YOU need and want. I think the most important thing is, are you happy?  If someone asked me that I would say, HECK YES!  I am so happy with my little tiny apartment with my two dudes, my kick ass job, travel, my husband that always gets me and supports me.  It is working for US.  To anyone who thinks Chad should be working because he is a man that is frickin stupid.  Who knows, he may work someday but I don't think the short time we have on earth should be spent in anything else but happiness and LIVING whatever that means to you.
What is better than extra time with family?  To me, that is a priceless gift. 

Thursday, February 16, 2017

I want to be BIG

When I was in fifth grade I remember thinking, no man will ever want to marry me with this skin.

When I was in eighth grade I remember thinking, I desperately need make up or I will never get a boyfriend.

When I was in high school I remember thinking, I better give my body away so he wants me.

When I was in college and my twenties, these thoughts dictated how I showed up in the world. 

I don't know where these thoughts started from.  It doesn't matter now.

What matters now is that I know they are not my thoughts to carry.  I realize that I decide what thoughts are real and important.  I think because I was able to fight my way through the cobwebs of those thoughts, that I am able to feel so empowered in my self today.

Today at the gym I realized, I love being strong.  I love being big and powerful and it is a place where I feel safe having a presence.  I love the way lifting makes me feel.  I love the definition that lifting weights can create in my muscles.  I love being able to pick up weights that I never thought possible.  Weights that women are told are not for them because they might get "too big."
I want to be big.  I want to be big and loud and have a body that is LARGE no matter what anyone thinks of that.  Physical strength has taught me to come back to the ground.  To be grounded in who I really am.  To stop myself from thinking men decide who and what I should be. 

Now that I am 38 I think, I love you Casey.  Thank you for finally seeing yourself and realizing YOU decide what is valuable to YOU. THAT is beautiful.

Friday, February 3, 2017

almost 40

I am a woman that is almost 40 (okay, 39 but really, what is the diff?).  I never in my life thought about what that might feel like.  Then I was here.  I am here.  How does it feel?

Well, it feels different on different days.

When I look in the mirror, I actually really enjoy what I see.  I think it is cool how I am starting to get a grey streak.  A full on streak in the front, like Rogue from XMEN. Only, this shit is natural.  I then google salt and pepper hair on pinterest and wonder if I just need to make that shit silver.  Should I go balls deep on the grey now and just let it rip.  Then I chill.  No. Casey.  It is just hair.  It is just growing.  You can color it or not color it but it doesn't matter.  Just have fun.

oh. ok.

Then I look at my skin.  It is wrinkley.  Sun damaged.  But I like it.  It looks good. I still look young, don't I?  Then I see that everyone and their mom is buying $200 skin care and I think, omigod, I need to do that.  I am getting wrinklier by the second.  I start to notice and critique and take selfies and dissect them and then pinterest skin creams and then I think..........No. Casey.  It is just skin.  It is aging well.  You have cool freckles. You are almost 40.  You don't have to have the skin of a 20 year old because your not fucking 20.  Just have fun.  Wear lotion and fucking get after it. 

oh. ok.

Then I see a 25 year old.  omigod, they are so young and vibrant and clueless and they think they know shit but they know nothing.  But they are younger.  They are fricking young.  They have no idea that when they wake up tomorrow they are going to be 40.  They won't be hanging with their friends every day wondering what they are doing that night.  They won't have time to do all that shit they used to do because they got other really important shit to do.  No. Casey.  They are having fun.  They are clueless but remember how much fun that was?  Just because they are them does not mean you can't be you.  You are not old and boring.  You make different choices and you have so much more experience in that soul of yours.  You can see it different but in 10 years you will see it different again.  It is just age.  Every age has its own beauty, its own lessons.  Learn them.  Always learn them and be able to laugh at EVERYTHING.  Make mistakes.  Then learn.  Judgment of anyone is a waste of energy.


Then I am in my life.  Actually feeling it.  Living it.  Enjoying it.  I am happy.  I feel like I have finally really learned to be happy and not have to be doing anything to be happy.  I can just be.  With my family.  Alone.  In my Apartment.  At Work.  At the grocery store.  At the gym.  Just the daily stuff.  When I was young..........I never knew.  I don't think I really knew how to enjoy the stillness of life.  Or the movement.  But I was always in so much doubt and drama.  Almost 40 and I have done a lot of work to enjoy who I am. How I choose to be here.  What I think about.  It is such a huge relief.  Life seems to have sped up at warp speed.  I don't know when that started but there was a time it felt slow. 
I can't think too hard about it.  If I do, I get off track.  I just want to be here.  To be happy with what I got.  With me.  I am here loving me.

deep breath.