Thursday, February 16, 2017

I want to be BIG

When I was in fifth grade I remember thinking, no man will ever want to marry me with this skin.

When I was in eighth grade I remember thinking, I desperately need make up or I will never get a boyfriend.

When I was in high school I remember thinking, I better give my body away so he wants me.

When I was in college and my twenties, these thoughts dictated how I showed up in the world. 

I don't know where these thoughts started from.  It doesn't matter now.

What matters now is that I know they are not my thoughts to carry.  I realize that I decide what thoughts are real and important.  I think because I was able to fight my way through the cobwebs of those thoughts, that I am able to feel so empowered in my self today.

Today at the gym I realized, I love being strong.  I love being big and powerful and it is a place where I feel safe having a presence.  I love the way lifting makes me feel.  I love the definition that lifting weights can create in my muscles.  I love being able to pick up weights that I never thought possible.  Weights that women are told are not for them because they might get "too big."
I want to be big.  I want to be big and loud and have a presence that is LARGE no matter what anyone thinks of that.  Physical strength has taught me to come back to the ground.  To be grounded in who I really am.  To stop myself from thinking men decide who and what I should be. 

Now that I am 38 I think, I love you Casey.  Thank you for finally seeing yourself and realizing YOU decide what is valuable to YOU. THAT is beautiful.

Friday, February 3, 2017

almost 40

I am a woman that is almost 40 (okay, 39 but really, what is the diff?).  I never in my life thought about what that might feel like.  Then I was here.  I am here.  How does it feel?

Well, it feels different on different days.

When I look in the mirror, I actually really enjoy what I see.  I think it is cool how I am starting to get a grey streak.  A full on streak in the front, like Rogue from XMEN. Only, this shit is natural.  I then google salt and pepper hair on pinterest and wonder if I just need to make that shit silver.  Should I go balls deep on the grey now and just let it rip.  Then I chill.  No. Casey.  It is just hair.  It is just growing.  You can color it or not color it but it doesn't matter.  Just have fun.

oh. ok.

Then I look at my skin.  It is wrinkley.  Sun damaged.  But I like it.  It looks good. I still look young, don't I?  Then I see that everyone and their mom is buying $200 skin care and I think, omigod, I need to do that.  I am getting wrinklier by the second.  I start to notice and critique and take selfies and dissect them and then pinterest skin creams and then I think..........No. Casey.  It is just skin.  It is aging well.  You have cool freckles. You are almost 40.  You don't have to have the skin of a 20 year old because your not fucking 20.  Just have fun.  Wear lotion and fucking get after it. 

oh. ok.

Then I see a 25 year old.  omigod, they are so young and vibrant and clueless and they think they know shit but they know nothing.  But they are younger.  They are fricking young.  They have no idea that when they wake up tomorrow they are going to be 40.  They won't be hanging with their friends every day wondering what they are doing that night.  They won't have time to do all that shit they used to do because they got other really important shit to do.  No. Casey.  They are having fun.  They are clueless but remember how much fun that was?  Just because they are them does not mean you can't be you.  You are not old and boring.  You make different choices and you have so much more experience in that soul of yours.  You can see it different but in 10 years you will see it different again.  It is just age.  Every age has its own beauty, its own lessons.  Learn them.  Always learn them and be able to laugh at EVERYTHING.  Make mistakes.  Then learn.  Judgment of anyone is a waste of energy.

oh.ok.

Then I am in my life.  Actually feeling it.  Living it.  Enjoying it.  I am happy.  I feel like I have finally really learned to be happy and not have to be doing anything to be happy.  I can just be.  With my family.  Alone.  In my Apartment.  At Work.  At the grocery store.  At the gym.  Just the daily stuff.  When I was young..........I never knew.  I don't think I really knew how to enjoy the stillness of life.  Or the movement.  But I was always in so much doubt and drama.  Almost 40 and I have done a lot of work to enjoy who I am. How I choose to be here.  What I think about.  It is such a huge relief.  Life seems to have sped up at warp speed.  I don't know when that started but there was a time it felt slow. 
I can't think too hard about it.  If I do, I get off track.  I just want to be here.  To be happy with what I got.  With me.  I am here loving me.

deep breath.

How I look at women

I really feel like I am cracking my thoughts wide open in regards to health.
I am starting from the inside out for the first time, although I have been preaching it for years.
I know I am doing this different now because I am looking at myself and other women completely differently.  All women and all shapes are beautiful and none of my business at the same time.  
As I am uncovering all of my own judgements of others, I am stopping the judgement of myself.  They say that is true, don't they?  Any judgement of others is really juding yourself.  I never really thought that was for real.  I am seeing it stare me in the face right now.
If I am being completely honest, I think I felt like I needed a perfect body to be good enough to even just breathe.  To talk to my friends.  To go out to dinner.  To wear that outfit.  I need a better body.  A body that worked hard, kicked ass, fought her way to that perfect moment.
I dont want all of the fighting anymore.  I am confused about what I want from my body.  I would be lying if I didnt still hold some expectations of myself.  I am not mad about that.  I am just aware.  Beautiful awaremess.  The first step in figuring shit out.
Back to my new outlook that is really wierding me out.
I used to think only really fit women were beautiful.  What the fuck was I thinking?!