Wednesday, May 10, 2017

Slowing down

I started a pretty amazing new job about 4 months ago.  I get to travel, work close to home, work with great people, feel supported in what I do, enjoy going to work, all the good things.
When I was in the process of accepting this job, my husband was in a job that was sucking the life out of him.  He dreaded going to work, he was surrounded by negativity at the office, they expected him to live and breathe IT support, family was second at this company, there was no work life balance if you wanted to do well.  Chad was doing it and he was pretending it was all good, but I knew it was not.  He hated his job.  I hated that he hated his job. 
At the same time Chad was in his shitty job, Dutch was going to a daycare after school every day.  The woman would pick him up from school, take him to her house and Chad would have to race to pick him up every night by 6pm.
This meant,
Chad got home at around 6:40pm from picking up Dutch because the traffic from her house was that far.
I got home around 6:30pm.
Dutch would then  have to rush to do his homework, rush to shower, no time for friends......lame.
Chad and I were tired, with no time to sit down because now we only had about two hours to do Dutch's homework, make dinner, clean up, shower everyone and read, go to bed.
It felt rushed, it felt hectic, it felt stupid, it felt mainland, it felt expected, it felt wrong.  I kept wondering did Hawaii teach us anything?  The island taught us that there is something better than this.  How are we in this rat race right now?
I think I was the one who told Chad to quit his job.
I was going to be making great money, nothing crazy- but we would be comfortable and not have to worry.  We wouldn't have to panic trying to find a sitter if I was going to be traveling.  We would save massive money on child care.  But really, what mattered the most is we would not have to feel like we were rushing through life.  We would get to slow down and enjoy each other.  We would have a parent permanently there to actually have time to be a parent.  Dutch would get to play with friends after school, do all the things with ease and it just felt BETTER.
So here I am in Riverside, California.
On a work trip.
I get a missed call from Dutch's school.  Whenever the school calls I get the most intense pit of fear in my tummy. 
They left me a voicemail that said Dutch was in the nurses office.  Okay..........what?!   I am in California hearing this voicemail and freaking out.  Here is what I want to the time I called the school Chad had already handled it.  He was already communicating with them, Dutch was already back to class and fine, and I thanked THE LAWD that Chad was not distracted by a job and he could focus on being the parent to be ready to take care of this stuff.  Chad and I talked and we decided everything was all good and the moment of stress was short lived but I am so grateful we chose to have our situation this way.
I get a lot of strange looks when I say my husband doesn't work.  I feel judgment from a lot of people, some of them very close to me, when I say that Chad is the stay at home parent.  I think, would they even question a stay at home mom?
For example, we got passports earlier this year and the woman in the office asked Chad, "what is your occupation?"  He said, "stay at home dad." she said, "but you must do something. what is your job or are you in school?"  I could not believe it.  What I wanted to tell her was, Chad gets extra time to play with his son.  Chad does homework, the dishes, the trash, goes to Costco, handles emergencies, picks up from school, plays football with our son, soccer, and he gets to be happy.  He gets to slow the F down and be happy.
I don't think you can ever really decide what is right for another family.  You can't know what they need and want because it is what YOU need and want. I think the most important thing is, are you happy?  If someone asked me that I would say, HECK YES!  I am so happy with my little tiny apartment with my two dudes, my kick ass job, travel, my husband that always gets me and supports me.  It is working for US.  To anyone who thinks Chad should be working because he is a man that is frickin stupid.  Who knows, he may work someday but I don't think the short time we have on earth should be spent in anything else but happiness and LIVING whatever that means to you.
What is better than extra time with family?  To me, that is a priceless gift. 

Thursday, February 16, 2017

I want to be BIG

When I was in fifth grade I remember thinking, no man will ever want to marry me with this skin.

When I was in eighth grade I remember thinking, I desperately need make up or I will never get a boyfriend.

When I was in high school I remember thinking, I better give my body away so he wants me.

When I was in college and my twenties, these thoughts dictated how I showed up in the world. 

I don't know where these thoughts started from.  It doesn't matter now.

What matters now is that I know they are not my thoughts to carry.  I realize that I decide what thoughts are real and important.  I think because I was able to fight my way through the cobwebs of those thoughts, that I am able to feel so empowered in my self today.

Today at the gym I realized, I love being strong.  I love being big and powerful and it is a place where I feel safe having a presence.  I love the way lifting makes me feel.  I love the definition that lifting weights can create in my muscles.  I love being able to pick up weights that I never thought possible.  Weights that women are told are not for them because they might get "too big."
I want to be big.  I want to be big and loud and have a presence that is LARGE no matter what anyone thinks of that.  Physical strength has taught me to come back to the ground.  To be grounded in who I really am.  To stop myself from thinking men decide who and what I should be. 

Now that I am 38 I think, I love you Casey.  Thank you for finally seeing yourself and realizing YOU decide what is valuable to YOU. THAT is beautiful.

Friday, February 3, 2017

almost 40

I am a woman that is almost 40 (okay, 39 but really, what is the diff?).  I never in my life thought about what that might feel like.  Then I was here.  I am here.  How does it feel?

Well, it feels different on different days.

When I look in the mirror, I actually really enjoy what I see.  I think it is cool how I am starting to get a grey streak.  A full on streak in the front, like Rogue from XMEN. Only, this shit is natural.  I then google salt and pepper hair on pinterest and wonder if I just need to make that shit silver.  Should I go balls deep on the grey now and just let it rip.  Then I chill.  No. Casey.  It is just hair.  It is just growing.  You can color it or not color it but it doesn't matter.  Just have fun.

oh. ok.

Then I look at my skin.  It is wrinkley.  Sun damaged.  But I like it.  It looks good. I still look young, don't I?  Then I see that everyone and their mom is buying $200 skin care and I think, omigod, I need to do that.  I am getting wrinklier by the second.  I start to notice and critique and take selfies and dissect them and then pinterest skin creams and then I think..........No. Casey.  It is just skin.  It is aging well.  You have cool freckles. You are almost 40.  You don't have to have the skin of a 20 year old because your not fucking 20.  Just have fun.  Wear lotion and fucking get after it. 

oh. ok.

Then I see a 25 year old.  omigod, they are so young and vibrant and clueless and they think they know shit but they know nothing.  But they are younger.  They are fricking young.  They have no idea that when they wake up tomorrow they are going to be 40.  They won't be hanging with their friends every day wondering what they are doing that night.  They won't have time to do all that shit they used to do because they got other really important shit to do.  No. Casey.  They are having fun.  They are clueless but remember how much fun that was?  Just because they are them does not mean you can't be you.  You are not old and boring.  You make different choices and you have so much more experience in that soul of yours.  You can see it different but in 10 years you will see it different again.  It is just age.  Every age has its own beauty, its own lessons.  Learn them.  Always learn them and be able to laugh at EVERYTHING.  Make mistakes.  Then learn.  Judgment of anyone is a waste of energy.


Then I am in my life.  Actually feeling it.  Living it.  Enjoying it.  I am happy.  I feel like I have finally really learned to be happy and not have to be doing anything to be happy.  I can just be.  With my family.  Alone.  In my Apartment.  At Work.  At the grocery store.  At the gym.  Just the daily stuff.  When I was young..........I never knew.  I don't think I really knew how to enjoy the stillness of life.  Or the movement.  But I was always in so much doubt and drama.  Almost 40 and I have done a lot of work to enjoy who I am. How I choose to be here.  What I think about.  It is such a huge relief.  Life seems to have sped up at warp speed.  I don't know when that started but there was a time it felt slow. 
I can't think too hard about it.  If I do, I get off track.  I just want to be here.  To be happy with what I got.  With me.  I am here loving me.

deep breath.

How I look at women

I really feel like I am cracking my thoughts wide open in regards to health.
I am starting from the inside out for the first time, although I have been preaching it for years.
I know I am doing this different now because I am looking at myself and other women completely differently.  All women and all shapes are beautiful and none of my business at the same time.  
As I am uncovering all of my own judgements of others, I am stopping the judgement of myself.  They say that is true, don't they?  Any judgement of others is really juding yourself.  I never really thought that was for real.  I am seeing it stare me in the face right now.
If I am being completely honest, I think I felt like I needed a perfect body to be good enough to even just breathe.  To talk to my friends.  To go out to dinner.  To wear that outfit.  I need a better body.  A body that worked hard, kicked ass, fought her way to that perfect moment.
I dont want all of the fighting anymore.  I am confused about what I want from my body.  I would be lying if I didnt still hold some expectations of myself.  I am not mad about that.  I am just aware.  Beautiful awaremess.  The first step in figuring shit out.
Back to my new outlook that is really wierding me out.
I used to think only really fit women were beautiful.  What the fuck was I thinking?!

Sunday, November 13, 2016

Let's Be Different

I am still comparing Seattle to Hilo, Hawaii.  Hilo is still winning my heart but Seattle makes sense.  Did I really go to a magical island to make sense?  I will leave that one hanging........
I am happy here.  Really, I am.
My job is great.
My lil apartment is great.
Family is great.
Our money is WAY better than Hawaii.
Fitness is great.
Things are good.  They are smooth.
There is one thing that is on my mind a lot lately.
I think I have finally really started to see the thing that has been confusing me.
It is the mindset around "fitness" on the mainland.   It is wack.  Just straight up fucking wack.
I was all about the wack attack many times and I didn't even see anything wrong with it before I left. beautiful, green, watery magical, eye opening fairy Godmother.
What I learned and can see differently now is that in Hilo, no one hated their body like they do here.  At least it didn't seem like it to me.  It was not  as normal for every woman I met to talk about diets, or focused clean eating or wanting to lose 5 pounds or being just straight up preoccupied with their body, their fitness or their fitness goals.
Here, it is such a thing.  If you are focused on fitness that is supposed to mean at least some sort of restraint, restriction, going out of your comfort zone, putting in the work, being on some crazy "eating plan" or counting something or just eating super clean so you can be a freak ninja or take 3 classes a day and then..........oh man.  I can't even make any more shit up, my head is spinning.
I did not see it the same before I moved to Hawaii.
I saw it as normal.  As healthy.  As working hard.
I am a bit confused with the messages I see in the world around me and the way my heart feels.
My heart and definitely my body want to enjoy exercise and food.  I have been listening to my body and not always going out of my comfort zone.  Some days I don't kick my ass and I go on a long ass walk.  Some days I do and it feels right.  I don't worry about "counting that" in my imaginary health checklist.  I take the time to stretch or enjoy a yoga class.  Some days I don't do anything at all.  Last week it was three whole days I didn't do anything at all.  What a crazy rebellious act.  Not really.  People are just fucking crazy.  It is not their fault.  They are just trying to be happy.  To be healthy.  They are doing what their Trainer said or what they saw on Instagram.  It's not the Trainers fault or the person on Instagram.  They are just doing what they were taught.  I want to say you can change the rules.  It can feel good.  You are not lazy.
Today a friend asked me to review the meal plan she made for the week.  She is about 120lbs and 5'7, very slender.  She wants to lose 5 lbs. of corse.  The meal plan was all about macros and some fake foods to cut calories and it was pretty intense. I was a bit hesitant to answer her because what I have found is people don't want to take any advise that is not punishing.  They usually don't believe me that it can feel good. I suggested she ditch the plan and just eat real foods when she was hungry.  Lots of veggies, protein, carbs.  I mentioned consistency and finding things she enjoys. AND, I said she did not need to lose 5 lbs. I suggested lifting some weights and asked what she enjoys as far as movement. She laughed at my crazy advice and said she was going to try her meal plan and focus on pretty intense workouts.
I was very interested in her response.  Do you see what I am saying?  Women are terrified of being fully comfortable with themselves.  I still struggle with it and I have done alot of work to accept every wrinkle, roll, muscle, part.  I still have to talk myself into love.  Being loving to myself.  I wanted to write about this just to get this idea out there. I still love to push myself and work hard and focus on health but it is kinder.  I am desperately trying to hold onto some aloha.  I want to get the message out there that it is okay.  You are okay.  Your body and your looks will not make your life better.  Your life can be so much more than JUST that.

Tuesday, January 26, 2016

Sensitive Casey

So much has been on my mind lately and writing seems to keep calling to me.
I have these huge thoughts or ideas or visions and I keep thinking WRITE WRITE WRITE.  But I haven't been.
Not sure why and that doesn't really matter.  I am just glad I am finally writing now.
Moving back to Seattle was crazy.
I am super glad we are home and I feel like I am finally recalibrated but man, it was hard.
Maybe it was because we moved home right before Christmas when everyone was crazy Christmas stressed.  Or maybe it was because it was really cold that week.  Or maybe it was just me and I am nuts was a dark first week.  The vibe of the mainland is way lower than Hawaii.  I have heard people say the big island has amazing energy and a high vibration, but I never really gave it much thought.
I could feel it when we moved back.  I could have cut the darkness with a knife.  It scared me.
It was also confusing because I was so happy to be home.  I was excited.  I was with family and friends that I had not seen in two years.  I was curious.  But it was like the darkness kept surrounding me.  Reminding me that people are different here.  That was Dec 23rd and as of today, I don't feel the darkness the same way.  I guess that is what adjusting is.  I don't think one place is better than the other.  its not about that for me.  For me, Hawaii was about HUGE SPIRITUAL GROWTH.  My huge growth looked like days at the beach, beers, playing with my family, having minimal food in the house, some days only oatmeal and eggs, walking in the sunshine, reading, playing with neighbors and friends, family, volcanos, working at a job that was BLAH but not really even realizing it because I was so thankful to have a job, exploring, adventure, not being able to go anywhere  because we had no gas in our car, vog, THE STARS, just the sky........the beautiful birds, coquis.  And in all of that, I found my empathic side.  I am not even sure how I started to look for it but I really learned in the last two years that I am sensitive as fuck and that I love that about myself.
I have always wanted to have psychic powers since I was a little kid.  Actually, I really wanted to be a medium as a kid.  I would watch John Edwards, Crossing Over, and think- THAT IS EPIC and I WANT TO BE AROUND THAT.  Then from about 12-27, I just thought I was weird and too sensitive.  27-35 I was less insecure about my spiritual side and I started to dive into it.  I would go to lectures, listen to podcasts, read, visit energy healers, visit Reiki practitioners, meditation circles..........I started my journey.
But Hawaii took me to another level.  I had no idea it would happen this way and I am thankful as hell for it.
I realize I am an Empath.
I realized I was exhausted when I got to Hawaii because I had NO boundaries.  I was still into people pleasing and wanting people to like me and service.  Because we were struggling so much in Hawaii I had to make changes.  I had to let go of teaching and training more and more and I felt fucking great.  It was so strange because I love people.  I love fitness.  I love helping people change for the better.  But it was draining the shit out of me without me realizing it.
So I started to reel myself back in.  I started to chill more.  To be with family more.  To pay attention to the good stuff more.  To not feel obligated to anyone else's shit.  It was liberating and it gave me more time to explore my sensitivity.  I am not messed up.  I do not have a problem because I feel deeper than most.  I am realizing that is my gift.  I fucking FEEL to the core.  I feel everything.  I can feel other people's feelings like they are my own.  It is confusing because sometimes I mistake them for my own.  Learning to separate them has been hugely impactful.  Powerful, even.
For instance, last night Chad was doing homework.  He was just sitting at the table on the computer.  thats it.
I started to feel major anxiety.  I started to get short with Dutch and edgy.  I turned on music and it pissed me off.  I was literally IN HIS SHIT.  It was amazing the second I realized that it was not my own, I seperated it.  I asked Chad if he was okay and bless his heart he tried to hide that shit from me and said, "ya, homework is just hard."  Welp, the next day he said how stressed he was and that he had all this anxiety because his project was taking forever.  I could totally understand what he was dealing with and my sensitivity allowed me to be completely understanding. I knew what he was dealing with.  It is cool.  Now that I am learning to manage it, it is cool.
One thing that I have done since move home is try to set up boundaries and really listen to what is good for me.  By listen, I mean, follow my gut.  I am very careful with my time and energy and if something doesn't feel right, I ain't doin it.  It is no offense.  It is just me, being careful with me.
This might sound weird to some people but I am not going to apologize.  This is my blog.  If you don't like it, that is okay.  I have spent way too much time not writing what I really want to because I was afraid people would think I was weird.  I don't care anymore.  Or atleast, in this moment.  So here I am.  Learning about my spiritual self.  I fucking love it.

Tuesday, August 18, 2015

Loud thoughts

 Being here in Hawaii is definitely a time of reflection for Chad and I.  I personally feel I am here with my family at this time, on this island to shift my thoughts.   No better place than an island where everything is chill times a million, sun is shining, waves are crashing, people are shaka'ing.....It is a good place to mellow the F out. I have been thinking a lot lately about the past without trying to think about the past. I think too much, period.  I am trying to think less and when I do think, to think positively.   I have been thinking about my past so fondly and that feels strange.   I had negative thoughts playing in my head like a MUTHA.  They were on auto pilot, it is almost like I had no idea it was happening but it was shaping EVERYTHING around me.  Living in Seattle for instance......Chad and I talk about it a lot and we realize we had amazing lives there.  We had so much to be thankful for but it was like we were so blinded by SOMETHIN, ego maybe, I don't know, that we could not even fully enjoy it.  I look at pictures of Washington now and, that was such a great moment, or wow, I really miss Juanita beach or that walk I used to do with Dutch all the time.....I realize the thing that is separating me from that photo is my thoughts.  What am I going to look back on in two years and think.........I should have been in that moment more.  I should have stopped complaining and started appreciating.
I know I do it with motherhood.  damnit.  I do.
I get frustrated or worried or fearful or I project shit onto Dutch that is probably made up in my head.
Waste of time.
I won't beat myself up for this shit because I am very intentionally working on this.
With love in my heart and quietness in my mind.
The negative thought thing is something I really need to stop.  Just stop it.
I have been more aware of my thoughts lately and that shit is NE-GA-TIVE.  Not needed.
No one can hear or even tell and its really not an issue, but I want to see what happens when I really turn it off.
When I stop complaining, judging, fearing, comparing, doubting, worrying.

I have been trying to listen to my thoughts lately rather than just letting them play.

for example, the cooking dinner thoughts sometimes.......
this counter is too small
this house is too small
why is it so loud in here
can Dutch turn that frickin tv down
Vader is so hairy
Vader probably makes me smell like dog all the time
I bet I smell like dog
I am so gross and I smell
It is so hot in here
Why am I the one cooking all the time
everyone is lazy but me
all I want to do is sit down, poor me
(that was about five seconds living inside my mind)

Even that little bitty innocent negative thought sequence is stealin my flow.  It is robbing me of something.  I don't know what but I am over it.  I want to try to cook dinner and think of NOTHING.  That would be awesome.  I watch the food that we are so lucky to have.  I think about how amazing it is that we have a kitchen, I realize that I get to provide this for my family that I love with all my heart,  The beautiful sound of my happy family hanging out together,  I know that may sound like living in la la land but I want to live in la la land.  I want to live there and stay there and eat in there.  Meditating does help.  Need to do it more.  Journaling does help.  Need to do it more.  Blogging does help, BOOM. 
After one month of serious intention, I wonder what is possible.  Peace, probably.
Dutch's first two years of life were the most terrified I have been ever.  When I look at this picture of him now I wish I could have given myself a hug and told myself I was deserving of being his mom.  I was good enough to do the job.  I would help him become a wonderful person.  I can now.  It is not too late.