Monday, April 30, 2018

Happy birthday to me

I remember my post from 39 when I said, I am basically 40 now.
I wasn't.  I had a whole year in between.  I had so much time.
What is funny about aging is your mind and your perception of time.
I see time and feel time completely different the older I get.
I see time as this gift.  This precious thing that I don't want to lose and I know I will no matter what.
I remember how time seemed to slip by so slowly in my younger years.
Like time was punishing me by moving so slow. I used to be so self absorbed I thought even time was against me. I really could not feel the significance or the reality of it until today. Or Maybe, I just transitioned to a different mind set. One that comes with experiences and loves and loses and beauty and pain and suffering and healing.
Whatever it is, I love it. More so, I appreciate it.
I really don't think about my outside or my aging body today. I more notice my beautiful mature mind. It is so much more peaceful than before.  So much less about me.
I guess at 40, I feel the Universe.

Thursday, April 12, 2018

My Brain Mind today

I am in my head. I am in there, man.
The auto pilot voice is so nasty sometimes.
After all my years of working on my spirit, myself, my voice.
I am still not there yet. I know that is normal and it is so fucking annoying.

I know I get my period every month and that I get grouchy.
But then it comes and I feel this inner rage that I am holding back like an old lady in a blanket. I know that doesn't make any sense but whatever.
I am a woman, in pain, and my rage is an old lady in a blanket. My rage is the old lady. The blanket is my body. I am not actually sure if my body is holding back the rage or my mind.

It feels like my body, but sometimes my mind is everything and I don't even know it. My mind is controlling it all.  My thoughts, my actions, my desires, my desire to eat chocolate, to watch tv and to not watch tv.
When I call it my mind I feel like it is this spiritual thing.
When I call it my brain I wonder if any of this really matters?

I think I watched too many episodes of Black Mirror and I feel trapped inside the confusion.

If anyone asks I will say, "I am doing awesome!  How are you?"


What is it like to be me? When I stop judging myself.........

I heard that question today.
"What is it like to be me?  When I stop judging myself........."  It was like a punch in the face. 

Just stop for a second and think about this question.  I have to stop again as I am typing it because I am not even sure if I know how to answer it.

I am almost scared to try.  I am uncomfortable being in that space.  The -non judgy of myself -space.  It really is so hard to be real and honest with myself without judgment.  It is so hard for me to let things go.  I hold on to things so tightly.  Not everything.  But things that involve me......and judging me. 


I just want to cry

Today I went to Juanita Beach on my lunch break.
I spoke to my dog, Vader.  I miss him so much.  He is dead.
The last year of his life was spent away from our family.
I am a fucking idiot ass hole.

I have been feeling that way alot lately.
I am an idiot ass hole.

I am fucking pissed off about it.

Do you ever feel tired of life?
Not in a suicidal way but in a way like...........of pure exhaustion of being in  your own head?  I feel a breaking point of being sick of myself.  I know that means that an awakening is coming and lessons are being learned but honestly, right now, I just want to scream. Throw things. Punch someone. Rage, man.  I feel rage. Not for anyone other than myself.

Not for the world, although the world is full of rage.
And I feel that.......

I feel my own rage.........for Casey.  I feel rage for my fucking feelings. I am sick of feeling so much.
I am so sick of all of my judgments, worries, obligations. Complaining. Time wasting.  All these projects I want to start and I never do.  All these things I want to write and I never do.  All these things I want to enjoy and experience and I never do. Not fully. I am halfway in and halfway out.  With everything besides mothering and I am fucking exhausted.  . I think being married feels like mothering sometimes.  I think about things.  Alot. Too many fucking things.

I guess the good news is, I am sick of myself and I can control that.
But honestly right now, I am sick of trying to see the bright side of everything all the time. It feels like another obligation.  Right now, I just want to cry. 

Thursday, December 14, 2017


Someone recently asked me about my marriage.  She said “you and your husband seem so happy.  How do you do that?”  I thought,  Really?    I really don’t know if my marriage is “normal” because I don’t know what goes on in others.  There is so much that goes on in our home that I realize no one knows but us.  Families are so sacred.  So close.  So important. 
Chad and I met a long time ago.  He was 21 and I was 23.  I was working at a big gym at the time and he walked in with his muscles and his big blonde hair, his tanning bed tan and I was like…..DAYUM.  who dat.
We became very good friends.  I had just gone through heart break and I had decided to find my independence.  I ended up moving to San Diego and Chad and I lost touch…….until he found my on myspace.  Yup.  Totally.
I eventually moved home from California to be with Chad, although, maybe I didn’t know it at the time.  “I was so not moving home for any guy.” We were not dating for very long before we got married.  Looking back now, I knew I was head over heels in love with him when we got married.  I don’t think I really knew him yet but I knew why I wanted to marry him.  He loved me.  He loved me no matter what and he supported me.  He was funny and there was that connection with him.  It was this unexplainable connection.   I just knew he was my guy.  For life.  I also loved his family, that was a big deal.
Okay so here we are.  Married for seven years, almost eight.  I still really do love him with all of my heart.  I am still head over heels.  Let me explain before you throw up everywhere.  With each year and each struggle, each fight, each parenting decision, each laugh, each night, each day, I think we get to know each other better.  I would imagine at this rate, we are going to be so peaceful by the time we get to 100.  We will know exactly how the other works. 
The first year of our marriage was confusing.  We were already living together but that took some getting used to.  We fought a lot that first year, if I can remember.  Chad was a Trooper in the state patrol.  He was going through stuff I knew nothing about and I was……….I really don’t know what I was……needy, confused sometimes?  I don’t know but we fought.  We also were willing to try to understand what the other needed.  We worked on ourselves.
With each year though, clarity comes. 
I think kids change everything.  We had Dutch three years into our marriage.  I had post partum depression which was not easy but Chad was the one who helped me through that. 
It would be ridiculous to even go into all of our challenges.  We have already had many.  Not every day is an ON day but most days are. 
I do think the most important thing that we give each other is ourselves.  Chad is Chad.  He swears a lot.  He is hilarious.  He pisses me off.  He is a good dad.  He sucks at gifts and holidays.  I mean....I love him for who he is and I don't need him to be perfect because I am not perfect.  I am emotional and sensitive and he understands me.  I talk to him.  I realize I have to say what I need sometimes and so does he.  We share goals, we are in this life as a team.  He has always supported me, that is for sure.  I wanted to quit my corporate job and work at the mall selling yoga pants.  He said, okay, I support you.  He wants to go back to school to get his degree, yes, I support you. 

The main thing, I realize, is not comparing my relationship to someone else's.  There is no, "what SHOULD we be doing?"
We know our family goals because we make them together. I don't think we are very good at setting marriage goals but to me, they are unspoken and spoken at the same time. We listen to each other, we support each other, we value ourselves as individuals and we value our family as a team.  So whatever shit comes up, and IT DOES, we work through it better today because we have worked on that. I appreciate the shit that does come up because it helps us get to a more peaceful place every time. 

The Journey

I am in the middle of a journey.
A journey of my soul.
It is odd to be at a point in my life when I am actually aware of this and in the journey at the same time.
I have created such an awareness over the years.
I am grateful for that.
I am grateful for myself. For the desire to embark on this path, knowing it will change me.
Because it feels bigger than me.
It feels like a big shadow that is leaning over a small child.

The shadow is not as scary as it first appears.
It is fear.
Fear feels bigger than it is every time.
I have to walk through.
Every time I think of backing down.  Pretending I don't need this lesson, my body whispers the truth.  It feels like a hollow pit inside my belly.  It feels like a bold faced lie.  It feels like screaming without noise.
Wake up, sweet girl.
You can face this and you will be okay.
Trust the journey.
Trust the truth.
The choice was already made the moment you decided to live AWAKE.


Sunday, October 22, 2017

***I wrote this blog post probably three or four years ago and have never put it out there. I know it is very unfinished but I just want to post this right now. I am not embarrassed or afraid of any of my woo woo anymore. In fact, I think it is my favorite thing ever.  Why be ashamed of that?

Sometimes I catch myself in a moment of pure bliss.  I felt one tonight when we were coming home from Dutch's first time at the movies.  I am happy most of the time but sometimes I am go go go so I don't really FEEL it.  I have been working my ass off lately and it feels good and exhausting at the same time.  I have been enjoying motherhood and family time when I have it and it is amazing and again exhausting at the same time.  I think because I care so much about both things that I put my heart and soul into both which takes more energy.  Tonight I was able to actually feel some of the down right, absolutely, in the present, a-ha, here is is-happiness.  I am not sure if most people feel this all the time constantly, but I get bursts of it.  It is like all of a sudden I realize I am exactly where I want to be and exactly how I want to feel. 

I am proud of this because I have been working on happiness on a grander scale for the past 7 years.  It all started with the book, The Secret.  I know it is a controversial book but that book led me to the spiritual world of many things I never knew existed.  Energy, spirit, the laws of the Universe, Mediums, and really just being in charge of what I create and who I am in this world.

I don't even know where to start so I guess I will start with the resource I discovered after the Secret.  I went onto i tunes and searched for the Law of Attraction.  Something by Abraham Hicks came up and I put it on my ipod and went out for a walk.  I had no idea who Abraham Hicks was or what I was about to listen to.  This was my first real lesson in trusting my gut and not turning away from something just because it was "weird."  Abraham Hicks was that weird.  I am walking along, listening to this nice couple talk about things that made so much sense to me.  I loved their message, their calming tone, their loving thoughts about the world.  Then they explained that Abraham was channeled through Ester Hicks.  Abraham is from the other side and is coming through Ester to help us understand why we are here or something like that.  Um...........what the f$%#.  That is literally what I thought.  I got a weird feeling in my tummy and was instantly scared because I had never heard of anything like this.  So this Abraham voice comes through Esther and her voice sounds weird and I was about to turn it off when something stopped me.  I think this is the first time I really heard my own inner voice.  It is like when you know it is YOU inside your own head.  Well my inner Casey said, don't turn this off.  Keep listening.  So I did.  I did and I actually was blown away by the lessons Abraham was teaching me.    I decided then and there without even realizing it that I was on a journey.

The tough parts of life put us on our path to awakening and success.  By the time I started to seek out things, books, people to help me..... I felt lost. I guess that is why I was seeking answers.  I had I wanted to feel good in my skin, to feel proud to be me, to let go of all of the pain of life that was holding me back.  When I look back at how much energy I invested into the wrong things, I just shake my head.

It's funny, I have been thinking about blogging forever.  Thinking about it, like, I need to do it but I don't know what to say......
Tonight I decided to just sit down and write and see what came out. 
I would have never thought I would write about Abraham.  How very vulnerable of me.
I guess I am about to share a story of the last seven years...not sure how I feel about this yet.  I might change my mind.

*** I know I wrote that last part because I have always wanted to write a book. The thing is, I don't know what to write about and if I really even do want to write a book. I think it is just this thing that I think will get me to write. I don't do it enough. It is my favorite thing to do and I fear it at the same time. What is that?  I feel creative and I feel my creativity wanting to crawl out of me but I push it down. I push it down with mom'ing, with working out, with watching tv, with cleaning the apartment, with anything I can.  writing is never as important.  That makes me sad............