Thursday, September 7, 2017

Lovingly The End

She closed her eyes and knew it was the last time she would see her family.
She was scared.
She also knew it felt familiar.  Like she knew where she was going although part of her had no idea.
She let go.
She gave in.
She was gone.
To everyone else but herself.  She was gone.
In the blink of an eye she saw her entire life flash before her.  Like watching a movie.  She saw and felt every moment.  She felt it from their perspective- and from hers.  She did not judge herself, but she realized so much.  She understood she was here to grow and to learn.  To be better than she was in the life before.  To connect and to trust.  To speak up and be confident in who she was.  To love herself and everyone around her.  That was the good stuff.  That is what she will miss about not having a body.  In that moment she realized how much energy she wasted with negative thoughts and disconnection during her time on the earth plane but she understood it was part of the journey of living.
She watched the movie fade away with so much love and understanding.
She realized she was surrounded by the most loving and warm light she had ever felt.  It was surrounding her entire being and in that moment she realized it was with her the whole time.

There is no such thing as perfect

Honestly, I love this picture of my family.  I love it.  I also look at it and think, wow.  if people only knew what that day was really like. It was definitely not a bad day but it was not perfect by any means. Not as perfect as this picture might make one think.  My biggest energy suck these days is how I look at Facebook and often I compare myself or my family with others.  I don't even realize I am doing it because at times it is like a mindless scroll.

Yesterday was the fourth of July and The Phillips were ready for a lot of fun.  Mixed into the fun was Chad and I pissing each other off for a good half hour, a little boredom, feelings of being too tired to go to the fireworks, some TV action, getting to the parade in Kirkland about 40 minutes late. Trying to go to the food vendors and seeing the longs lines and deciding to go to QFC instead because every restaurant was closed and the entire family was HANGRY as hell.  Chad trying to beat the holiday traffic out of the fireworks show and being a psychopath with his fast walking to get to the car. I mean, it was just a normal day but there was some "not perfect" sprinkled in.  I would not trade any of it for the world.  I love my family and anything that comes with it.  Life is messy.  Its boring at times.  It is yin and yang.  It is not perfect. ever. I would never want it that way. 

As I said, I love this photo of our family and at the same time, I am like........dang, they look like they haven't a care in the world. But that is all facebook is.  The highlight reel.  The good stuff.  The cherished moments.  I love it for that.  I love that facebook can make me a slide show, add some music and stir up emotions and nostalgia that I needed.  I love the highlight reel, but if you are anything like me, you compare your life and your self to everyone else's highlight reel.

Let's be messed up. everyone. Let's be super messed up and in love with our own mess.
And fuck facebook.

Listen to what you already know

I just called a radio show to ask a question I already knew the answer to.  I am honestly a bit disappointed in myself for not listening to myself, but I am working on changing that tune right now. It won't help me to be upset with myself.  What will help me is starting to listen to my own knowing.  I have worked so hard to be able to hear and feel the knowing.  It has taken years of conscious effort to get past the bullshit and feel the important stuff.
Now I need to follow its guidance.
So I called the show and I basically said, "Hi Marie, can you please tell me why my sister and stepmom hate me so much and why I feel guilty distancing myself and why I am afraid that my dad and brother won't understand and think it is all my fault that family is not the way it should be?"
I already knew the answer.
I needed her to tell me it was okay to not work at a relationship with them. I needed her to tell me I was not a bad person for giving up on what I think a family should be. I needed her to tell me I was not horrible even though they don't care to have a relationship with me.  She did tell me all of that and I instantly vowed to really listen to myself.  I have asked energy workers for years, what should I do?  who am I?  can you tell me my purpose?  I have gotten some wonderful, beautiful, healing help and advice through the years.  It is time, though, for me to help myself.  I am smart. I have a strong intuition.  I need to do the work to be able to guide myself.  I already know what that work looks like.  It is quieting down.  It is journaling.  It is staying in a high vibration.  It is saying sweet things to myself.  It is redirecting my thoughts when they are not supportive or helpful. 
It is knowing that I am extremely empathic and taking the time to separate my feelings from others and realize when I feel guilt, sometimes it is not REAL.  It is guilt release training with breath and loving myself and TRUST. Trust myself and the Universe.

Wednesday, May 10, 2017

Slowing down

I started a pretty amazing new job about 4 months ago.  I get to travel, work close to home, work with great people, feel supported in what I do, enjoy going to work, all the good things.
When I was in the process of accepting this job, my husband was in a job that was sucking the life out of him.  He dreaded going to work, he was surrounded by negativity at the office, they expected him to live and breathe IT support, family was second at this company, there was no work life balance if you wanted to do well.  Chad was doing it and he was pretending it was all good, but I knew it was not.  He hated his job.  I hated that he hated his job. 
At the same time Chad was in his shitty job, Dutch was going to a daycare after school every day.  The woman would pick him up from school, take him to her house and Chad would have to race to pick him up every night by 6pm.
This meant,
Chad got home at around 6:40pm from picking up Dutch because the traffic from her house was that far.
I got home around 6:30pm.
Dutch would then  have to rush to do his homework, rush to shower, no time for friends......lame.
Chad and I were tired, with no time to sit down because now we only had about two hours to do Dutch's homework, make dinner, clean up, shower everyone and read, go to bed.
It felt rushed, it felt hectic, it felt stupid, it felt mainland, it felt expected, it felt wrong.  I kept wondering did Hawaii teach us anything?  The island taught us that there is something better than this.  How are we in this rat race right now?
I think I was the one who told Chad to quit his job.
I was going to be making great money, nothing crazy- but we would be comfortable and not have to worry.  We wouldn't have to panic trying to find a sitter if I was going to be traveling.  We would save massive money on child care.  But really, what mattered the most is we would not have to feel like we were rushing through life.  We would get to slow down and enjoy each other.  We would have a parent permanently there to actually have time to be a parent.  Dutch would get to play with friends after school, do all the things with ease and it just felt BETTER.
So here I am in Riverside, California.
On a work trip.
I get a missed call from Dutch's school.  Whenever the school calls I get the most intense pit of fear in my tummy. 
They left me a voicemail that said Dutch was in the nurses office.  Okay..........what?!   I am in California hearing this voicemail and freaking out.  Here is what I want to the time I called the school Chad had already handled it.  He was already communicating with them, Dutch was already back to class and fine, and I thanked THE LAWD that Chad was not distracted by a job and he could focus on being the parent to be ready to take care of this stuff.  Chad and I talked and we decided everything was all good and the moment of stress was short lived but I am so grateful we chose to have our situation this way.
I get a lot of strange looks when I say my husband doesn't work.  I feel judgment from a lot of people, some of them very close to me, when I say that Chad is the stay at home parent.  I think, would they even question a stay at home mom?
For example, we got passports earlier this year and the woman in the office asked Chad, "what is your occupation?"  He said, "stay at home dad." she said, "but you must do something. what is your job or are you in school?"  I could not believe it.  What I wanted to tell her was, Chad gets extra time to play with his son.  Chad does homework, the dishes, the trash, goes to Costco, handles emergencies, picks up from school, plays football with our son, soccer, and he gets to be happy.  He gets to slow the F down and be happy.
I don't think you can ever really decide what is right for another family.  You can't know what they need and want because it is what YOU need and want. I think the most important thing is, are you happy?  If someone asked me that I would say, HECK YES!  I am so happy with my little tiny apartment with my two dudes, my kick ass job, travel, my husband that always gets me and supports me.  It is working for US.  To anyone who thinks Chad should be working because he is a man that is frickin stupid.  Who knows, he may work someday but I don't think the short time we have on earth should be spent in anything else but happiness and LIVING whatever that means to you.
What is better than extra time with family?  To me, that is a priceless gift. 

Thursday, February 16, 2017

I want to be BIG

When I was in fifth grade I remember thinking, no man will ever want to marry me with this skin.

When I was in eighth grade I remember thinking, I desperately need make up or I will never get a boyfriend.

When I was in high school I remember thinking, I better give my body away so he wants me.

When I was in college and my twenties, these thoughts dictated how I showed up in the world. 

I don't know where these thoughts started from.  It doesn't matter now.

What matters now is that I know they are not my thoughts to carry.  I realize that I decide what thoughts are real and important.  I think because I was able to fight my way through the cobwebs of those thoughts, that I am able to feel so empowered in my self today.

Today at the gym I realized, I love being strong.  I love being big and powerful and it is a place where I feel safe having a presence.  I love the way lifting makes me feel.  I love the definition that lifting weights can create in my muscles.  I love being able to pick up weights that I never thought possible.  Weights that women are told are not for them because they might get "too big."
I want to be big.  I want to be big and loud and have a presence that is LARGE no matter what anyone thinks of that.  Physical strength has taught me to come back to the ground.  To be grounded in who I really am.  To stop myself from thinking men decide who and what I should be. 

Now that I am 38 I think, I love you Casey.  Thank you for finally seeing yourself and realizing YOU decide what is valuable to YOU. THAT is beautiful.

Friday, February 3, 2017

almost 40

I am a woman that is almost 40 (okay, 39 but really, what is the diff?).  I never in my life thought about what that might feel like.  Then I was here.  I am here.  How does it feel?

Well, it feels different on different days.

When I look in the mirror, I actually really enjoy what I see.  I think it is cool how I am starting to get a grey streak.  A full on streak in the front, like Rogue from XMEN. Only, this shit is natural.  I then google salt and pepper hair on pinterest and wonder if I just need to make that shit silver.  Should I go balls deep on the grey now and just let it rip.  Then I chill.  No. Casey.  It is just hair.  It is just growing.  You can color it or not color it but it doesn't matter.  Just have fun.

oh. ok.

Then I look at my skin.  It is wrinkley.  Sun damaged.  But I like it.  It looks good. I still look young, don't I?  Then I see that everyone and their mom is buying $200 skin care and I think, omigod, I need to do that.  I am getting wrinklier by the second.  I start to notice and critique and take selfies and dissect them and then pinterest skin creams and then I think..........No. Casey.  It is just skin.  It is aging well.  You have cool freckles. You are almost 40.  You don't have to have the skin of a 20 year old because your not fucking 20.  Just have fun.  Wear lotion and fucking get after it. 

oh. ok.

Then I see a 25 year old.  omigod, they are so young and vibrant and clueless and they think they know shit but they know nothing.  But they are younger.  They are fricking young.  They have no idea that when they wake up tomorrow they are going to be 40.  They won't be hanging with their friends every day wondering what they are doing that night.  They won't have time to do all that shit they used to do because they got other really important shit to do.  No. Casey.  They are having fun.  They are clueless but remember how much fun that was?  Just because they are them does not mean you can't be you.  You are not old and boring.  You make different choices and you have so much more experience in that soul of yours.  You can see it different but in 10 years you will see it different again.  It is just age.  Every age has its own beauty, its own lessons.  Learn them.  Always learn them and be able to laugh at EVERYTHING.  Make mistakes.  Then learn.  Judgment of anyone is a waste of energy.


Then I am in my life.  Actually feeling it.  Living it.  Enjoying it.  I am happy.  I feel like I have finally really learned to be happy and not have to be doing anything to be happy.  I can just be.  With my family.  Alone.  In my Apartment.  At Work.  At the grocery store.  At the gym.  Just the daily stuff.  When I was young..........I never knew.  I don't think I really knew how to enjoy the stillness of life.  Or the movement.  But I was always in so much doubt and drama.  Almost 40 and I have done a lot of work to enjoy who I am. How I choose to be here.  What I think about.  It is such a huge relief.  Life seems to have sped up at warp speed.  I don't know when that started but there was a time it felt slow. 
I can't think too hard about it.  If I do, I get off track.  I just want to be here.  To be happy with what I got.  With me.  I am here loving me.

deep breath.

Sunday, November 13, 2016

Let's Be Different

I am still comparing Seattle to Hilo, Hawaii.  Hilo is still winning my heart but Seattle makes sense.  Did I really go to a magical island to make sense?  I will leave that one hanging........
I am happy here.  Really, I am.
My job is great.
My lil apartment is great.
Family is great.
Our money is WAY better than Hawaii.
Fitness is great.
Things are good.  They are smooth.
There is one thing that is on my mind a lot lately.
I think I have finally really started to see the thing that has been confusing me.
It is the mindset around "fitness" on the mainland.   It is wack.  Just straight up fucking wack.
I was all about the wack attack many times and I didn't even see anything wrong with it before I left. beautiful, green, watery magical, eye opening fairy Godmother.
What I learned and can see differently now is that in Hilo, no one hated their body like they do here.  At least it didn't seem like it to me.  It was not  as normal for every woman I met to talk about diets, or focused clean eating or wanting to lose 5 pounds or being just straight up preoccupied with their body, their fitness or their fitness goals.
Here, it is such a thing.  If you are focused on fitness that is supposed to mean at least some sort of restraint, restriction, going out of your comfort zone, putting in the work, being on some crazy "eating plan" or counting something or just eating super clean so you can be a freak ninja or take 3 classes a day and then..........oh man.  I can't even make any more shit up, my head is spinning.
I did not see it the same before I moved to Hawaii.
I saw it as normal.  As healthy.  As working hard.
I am a bit confused with the messages I see in the world around me and the way my heart feels.
My heart and definitely my body want to enjoy exercise and food.  I have been listening to my body and not always going out of my comfort zone.  Some days I don't kick my ass and I go on a long ass walk.  Some days I do and it feels right.  I don't worry about "counting that" in my imaginary health checklist.  I take the time to stretch or enjoy a yoga class.  Some days I don't do anything at all.  Last week it was three whole days I didn't do anything at all.  What a crazy rebellious act.  Not really.  People are just fucking crazy.  It is not their fault.  They are just trying to be happy.  To be healthy.  They are doing what their Trainer said or what they saw on Instagram.  It's not the Trainers fault or the person on Instagram.  They are just doing what they were taught.  I want to say you can change the rules.  It can feel good.  You are not lazy.
Today a friend asked me to review the meal plan she made for the week.  She is about 120lbs and 5'7, very slender.  She wants to lose 5 lbs. of corse.  The meal plan was all about macros and some fake foods to cut calories and it was pretty intense. I was a bit hesitant to answer her because what I have found is people don't want to take any advise that is not punishing.  They usually don't believe me that it can feel good. I suggested she ditch the plan and just eat real foods when she was hungry.  Lots of veggies, protein, carbs.  I mentioned consistency and finding things she enjoys. AND, I said she did not need to lose 5 lbs. I suggested lifting some weights and asked what she enjoys as far as movement. She laughed at my crazy advice and said she was going to try her meal plan and focus on pretty intense workouts.
I was very interested in her response.  Do you see what I am saying?  Women are terrified of being fully comfortable with themselves.  I still struggle with it and I have done alot of work to accept every wrinkle, roll, muscle, part.  I still have to talk myself into love.  Being loving to myself.  I wanted to write about this just to get this idea out there. I still love to push myself and work hard and focus on health but it is kinder.  I am desperately trying to hold onto some aloha.  I want to get the message out there that it is okay.  You are okay.  Your body and your looks will not make your life better.  Your life can be so much more than JUST that.