Monday, April 30, 2018

Happy birthday to me

40.
I remember my post from 39 when I said, I am basically 40 now.
I wasn't.  I had a whole year in between.  I had so much time.
I see time and feel time completely different the older I get.
I see time as this gift.  This precious thing that I don't want to lose and I know I will no matter what.
I remember how time seemed to slip by so slowly in my younger years.It was punishing me by moving so slow. I was so self absorbed I thought even time was against me. I really could not feel the significance or the reality of it until today. Or Maybe, I just transitioned to a different mind set. One that comes with experiences and loves and losses and beauty and pain and suffering and healing.
Whatever it is, I love it. I appreciate it.
Yes, my body is 40 but my MIND is 40. My beautiful mature mind. It is so much more peaceful than before.  So much less about me.
I guess at 40, I feel the Universe.


Thursday, April 12, 2018

My Brain Mind today

I am in my head. I am in there, man.
The auto pilot voice is so nasty sometimes.
After all my years of working on my spirit, myself, my voice.
I am still not there yet. I know that is normal and it is so fucking annoying.

I know I get my period every month and that I get grouchy.
But then it comes and I feel this inner rage that I am holding back like an old lady in a blanket. I know that doesn't make any sense but whatever.
I am a woman, in pain, and my rage is an old lady in a blanket.  I am not actually sure if my body is holding back the rage or my mind.

It feels like my body, but sometimes my mind is everything and I don't even know it. My mind is controlling it all.  My thoughts, my actions, my desires, my desire to eat chocolate, to watch tv and to not watch tv.
When I call it my mind I feel like it is this spiritual thing.
When I call it my brain I wonder if any of this really matters?

I think I watched too many episodes of Black Mirror and I feel trapped inside the confusion.

If anyone asks I will say, "I am doing awesome!  How are you?"

selfie.
smiling.
angles.
filters.
avoiding.
sharing.
same.

What is it like to be me? When I stop judging myself.........

I heard that question today.
"What is it like to be me?  When I stop judging myself........."  It was like a punch in the face. 

Just stop for a second and think about this question.  I have to stop again as I am typing it because I am not even sure if I know how to answer it.

I am almost scared to try.  I am uncomfortable being in that space.  The -non judgy of myself -space.  It really is so hard to be real and honest with myself without judgment.  It is so hard for me to let things go.  I hold on to things so tightly.  Not everything.  But things that involve me......and judging me. 

Daily.

I just want to cry

Today I went to Juanita Beach on my lunch break.
I spoke to my dog, Vader.  I miss him so much.  He is dead.
The last year of his life was spent away from our family.
I am a fucking idiot ass hole.

I have been feeling that way alot lately.
I am an idiot ass hole.

I am fucking pissed off about it.

Do you ever feel tired of life?
Not in a suicidal way but in a way like...........of pure exhaustion of being in  your own head?  I feel a breaking point of being sick of myself.  I know that means that an awakening is coming and lessons are being learned but honestly, right now, I just want to scream. Throw things. Punch someone. Rage, man.  I feel rage. Not for anyone other than myself.

Not for the world, although the world is full of rage.
And I feel that.......

I feel my own rage.........for Casey.  I feel rage for my fucking feelings. I am sick of feeling so much.
I am so sick of all of my judgments, worries, obligations. Complaining. Time wasting.  All these projects I want to start and I never do.  All these things I want to write and I never do.  All these things I want to enjoy and experience and I never do. Not fully. I am halfway in and halfway out. 

I guess the good news is, I am sick of myself and I can control that.
But honestly right now, I am sick of trying to see the bright side of everything all the time. It feels like another obligation.  Right now, I just want to cry.