Thursday, December 14, 2017

Marriage

Someone recently asked me about my marriage.  She said “you and your husband seem so happy.  How do you do that?”  I thought,  Really?    I really don’t know if my marriage is “normal” because I don’t know what goes on in others.  There is so much that goes on in our home that I realize no one knows but us.  Families are so sacred.  So close.  So important. 
Chad and I met a long time ago.  He was 21 and I was 23.  I was working at a big gym at the time and he walked in with his muscles and his big blonde hair, his tanning bed tan and I was like…..DAYUM.  who dat.
We became very good friends.  I had just gone through heart break and I had decided to find my independence.  I ended up moving to San Diego and Chad and I lost touch…….until he found my on myspace.  Yup.  Totally.
I eventually moved home from California to be with Chad, although, maybe I didn’t know it at the time.  “I was so not moving home for any guy.” We were not dating for very long before we got married.  Looking back now, I knew I was head over heels in love with him when we got married.  I don’t think I really knew him yet but I knew why I wanted to marry him.  He loved me.  He loved me no matter what and he supported me.  He was funny and there was that connection with him.  It was this unexplainable connection.   I just knew he was my guy.  For life.  I also loved his family, that was a big deal.
Okay so here we are.  Married for seven years, almost eight.  I still really do love him with all of my heart.  I am still head over heels.  Let me explain before you throw up everywhere.  With each year and each struggle, each fight, each parenting decision, each laugh, each night, each day, I think we get to know each other better.  I would imagine at this rate, we are going to be so peaceful by the time we get to 100.  We will know exactly how the other works. 
The first year of our marriage was confusing.  We were already living together but that took some getting used to.  We fought a lot that first year, if I can remember.  Chad was a Trooper in the state patrol.  He was going through stuff I knew nothing about and I was……….I really don’t know what I was……needy, confused sometimes?  I don’t know but we fought.  We also were willing to try to understand what the other needed.  We worked on ourselves.
With each year though, clarity comes. 
I think kids change everything.  We had Dutch three years into our marriage.  I had post partum depression which was not easy but Chad was the one who helped me through that. 
It would be ridiculous to even go into all of our challenges.  We have already had many.  Not every day is an ON day but most days are. 
I do think the most important thing that we give each other is ourselves.  Chad is Chad.  He swears a lot.  He is hilarious.  He pisses me off.  He is a good dad.  He sucks at gifts and holidays.  I mean....I love him for who he is and I don't need him to be perfect because I am not perfect.  I am emotional and sensitive and he understands me.  I talk to him.  I realize I have to say what I need sometimes and so does he.  We share goals, we are in this life as a team.  He has always supported me, that is for sure.  I wanted to quit my corporate job and work at the mall selling yoga pants.  He said, okay, I support you.  He wants to go back to school to get his degree, yes, I support you. 

The main thing, I realize, is not comparing my relationship to someone else's.  There is no, "what SHOULD we be doing?"
We know our family goals because we make them together. I don't think we are very good at setting marriage goals but to me, they are unspoken and spoken at the same time. We listen to each other, we support each other, we value ourselves as individuals and we value our family as a team.  So whatever shit comes up, and IT DOES, we work through it better today because we have worked on that. I appreciate the shit that does come up because it helps us get to a more peaceful place every time. 

No comments:

Post a Comment