tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37751166722642180212024-02-20T18:20:12.489-08:00casey phillipsCaseyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08306281035423351897noreply@blogger.comBlogger60125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3775116672264218021.post-43721983710518370812018-07-06T16:51:00.001-07:002019-07-25T16:34:26.961-07:00The quiet morningIn the quiet stillness of the morning,<br />
I am the couch.<br />
I am the breath.<br />
I am the birds.<br />
I am the books.<br />
I am the trees.<br />
In the quiet stillness of the morning,<br />
I have not yet had enough day to become my thoughts.Caseyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08306281035423351897noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3775116672264218021.post-52052613629598907082018-04-30T09:34:00.001-07:002018-06-29T11:37:12.480-07:00Happy birthday to me40.<br />
I remember my post from 39 when I said, I am basically 40 now.<br />
I wasn't. I had a whole year in between. I had so much time.<br />
I see time and feel time completely different the older I get.<br />
I see time as this gift. This precious thing that I don't want to lose and I know I will no matter what.<br />
I remember how time seemed to slip by so slowly in my younger years.It was punishing me by moving so slow. I was so self absorbed I thought even time was against me. I really could not feel the significance or the reality of it until today. Or Maybe, I just transitioned to a different mind set. One that comes with experiences and loves and losses and beauty and pain and suffering and healing.<br />
Whatever it is, I love it. I appreciate it.<br />
Yes, my body is 40 but my MIND is 40. My beautiful mature mind. It is so much more peaceful than before. So much less about me.<br />
I guess at 40, I feel the Universe.<br />
<br />
<br />Caseyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08306281035423351897noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3775116672264218021.post-83594394209661144692018-04-12T15:19:00.002-07:002018-06-29T11:38:06.509-07:00My Brain Mind todayI am in my head. I am in there, man.<br />
The auto pilot voice is so nasty sometimes.<br />
After all my years of working on my spirit, myself, my voice.<br />
I am still not there yet. I know that is normal and it is so fucking annoying.<br />
<br />
I know I get my period every month and that I get grouchy.<br />
But then it comes and I feel this inner rage that I am holding back like an old lady in a blanket. I know that doesn't make any sense but whatever.<br />
I am a woman, in pain, and my rage is an old lady in a blanket. I am not actually sure if my body is holding back the rage or my mind.<br />
<br />
It feels like my body, but sometimes my mind is everything and I don't even know it. My mind is controlling it all. My thoughts, my actions, my desires, my desire to eat chocolate, to watch tv and to not watch tv.<br />
When I call it my mind I feel like it is this spiritual thing.<br />
When I call it my brain I wonder if any of this really matters?<br />
<br />
I think I watched too many episodes of Black Mirror and I feel trapped inside the confusion.<br />
<br />
If anyone asks I will say, "I am doing awesome! How are you?"<br />
<br />
selfie.<br />
smiling.<br />
angles.<br />
filters.<br />
avoiding.<br />
sharing.<br />
same.<br />
<br />Caseyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08306281035423351897noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3775116672264218021.post-18169443508304502192018-04-12T15:11:00.000-07:002018-04-30T09:38:58.337-07:00What is it like to be me? When I stop judging myself.........I heard that question today.<br />
"What is it like to be me? When I stop judging myself........." It was like a punch in the face. <br />
<br />
Just stop for a second and think about this question. I have to stop again as I am typing it because I am not even sure if I know how to answer it.<br />
<br />
I am almost scared to try. I am uncomfortable being in that space. The -non judgy of myself -space. It really is so hard to be real and honest with myself without judgment. It is so hard for me to let things go. I hold on to things so tightly. Not everything. But things that involve me......and judging me. <br />
<br />
Daily.<br />
<br />Caseyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08306281035423351897noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3775116672264218021.post-55013617061749352352018-04-12T15:09:00.000-07:002018-06-29T11:41:53.168-07:00I just want to cryToday I went to Juanita Beach on my lunch break.<br />
I spoke to my dog, Vader. I miss him so much. He is dead.<br />
The last year of his life was spent away from our family.<br />
I am a fucking idiot ass hole.<br />
<br />
I have been feeling that way alot lately.<br />
I am an idiot ass hole.<br />
<br />
I am fucking pissed off about it.<br />
<br />
Do you ever feel tired of life?<br />
Not in a suicidal way but in a way like...........of pure exhaustion of being in your own head? I feel a breaking point of being sick of myself. I know that means that an awakening is coming and lessons are being learned but honestly, right now, I just want to scream. Throw things. Punch someone. Rage, man. I feel rage. Not for anyone other than myself.<br />
<br />
Not for the world, although the world is full of rage.<br />
And I feel that.......<br />
<br />
I feel my own rage.........for Casey. I feel rage for my fucking feelings. I am sick of feeling so much.<br />
I am so sick of all of my judgments, worries, obligations. Complaining. Time wasting. All these projects I want to start and I never do. All these things I want to write and I never do. All these things I want to enjoy and experience and I never do. Not fully. I am halfway in and halfway out. <br />
<br />
I guess the good news is, I am sick of myself and I can control that.<br />
But honestly right now, I am sick of trying to see the bright side of everything all the time. It feels like another obligation. Right now, I just want to cry.Caseyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08306281035423351897noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3775116672264218021.post-41805277401036903072017-12-14T15:52:00.001-08:002018-06-29T11:44:57.207-07:00Marriage<div class="ecxMsoNormal">
I really don’t know if my marriage is “normal” because I don’t know what goes on in others. There is so much that goes on in our home that I realize no one knows but us. Families are so sacred. So close. So important. </div>
<div class="ecxMsoNormal">
Chad and I met a long time ago. He was 21 and I was 23. I was working at a big gym at the time and he walked in with his muscles and his big blonde hair, his tanning bed tan and I was like…..DAYUM. who dat?!</div>
<div class="ecxMsoNormal">
We became very good friends. I had just gone through heart break and I had decided to find my independence. I ended up moving to San Diego and Chad and I lost touch…….until he found my on myspace. Yup. Totally.</div>
<div class="ecxMsoNormal">
I eventually moved home from California to be with Chad, although, maybe I didn’t know it at the time. “I was totally not moving home for any guy.” We were not dating for very long before we got married. Looking back now, I knew I was head over heels in love with him when we got married. I don’t think I really knew him yet but I knew why I wanted to marry him. He loved me. He loved me no matter what and he supported me. He was funny and there was that connection with him. It was this unexplainable connection. I just knew he was my guy. For life. I also loved his family, that was a big deal.</div>
<div class="ecxMsoNormal">
Okay so here we are. Married for seven years, almost eight. I still really do love him with all of my heart. I am still head over heels. Let me explain before you throw up everywhere. With each year and each struggle, each fight, each parenting decision, each laugh, each night, each day, I think we get to know each other better. I would imagine at this rate, we are going to be so peaceful by the time we get to 100. We will know exactly how the other works. </div>
<div class="ecxMsoNormal">
The first year of our marriage was confusing. We were already living together but that took some getting used to. We fought a lot that first year, if I can remember. Chad was a Trooper in the state patrol. He was going through stuff I knew nothing about and I was……….I really don’t know what I was……needy, confused sometimes? I don’t know but we fought. We also were willing to try to understand what the other needed. We worked on ourselves.</div>
<div class="ecxMsoNormal">
With each year though, clarity comes. </div>
<div class="ecxMsoNormal">
I think kids change everything. We had Dutch three years into our marriage. I had post partum depression which was not easy but Chad was the one who helped me through that. </div>
<div class="ecxMsoNormal">
It would be ridiculous to even go into all of our challenges. We have already had many. Not every day is an ON day but most days are. </div>
<div class="ecxMsoNormal">
I do think the most important thing that we give each other is ourselves. Chad is Chad. He swears a lot. He is hilarious. He pisses me off. He is a good dad. He sucks at gifts and holidays. I mean....I love him for who he is and I don't need him to be perfect because I am not perfect. I am emotional and sensitive and he understands me. I talk to him. I realize I have to say what I need sometimes and so does he. We share goals, we are in this life as a team. He has always supported me, that is for sure. I wanted to quit my corporate job and work at the mall selling yoga pants. He said, okay, I support you. He wants to go back to school to get his degree, yes, I support you. </div>
<div class="ecxMsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="ecxMsoNormal">
The main thing, I realize, is not comparing my relationship to someone else's. There is no, "what SHOULD we be doing?"<br />
We know our family goals because we make them together. I don't think we are very good at setting marriage goals but to me, they are unspoken and spoken at the same time. We listen to each other, we support each other, we value ourselves as individuals and we value our family as a team. So whatever shit comes up, and IT DOES, we work through it better today because we have worked on that. I appreciate the shit that does come up because it helps us get to a more peaceful place every time. </div>
Caseyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08306281035423351897noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3775116672264218021.post-6155513360937762002017-12-14T15:50:00.000-08:002018-04-30T09:39:31.878-07:00The JourneyI am in the middle of a journey.<br />
A journey of my soul.<br />
It is odd to be at a point in my life when I am actually aware of this and in the journey at the same time.<br />
I have created such an awareness over the years.<br />
I am grateful for that.<br />
I am grateful for myself. For the desire to embark on this path, knowing it will change me.<br />
Because it feels bigger than me.<br />
It feels like a big shadow that is leaning over a small child.<br />
Only.........<br />
<br />
The shadow is not as scary as it first appears.<br />
It is fear.<br />
Fear feels bigger than it is every time.<br />
I have to walk through.<br />
Every time I think of backing down. Pretending I don't need this lesson, my body whispers the truth. It feels like a hollow pit inside my belly. It feels like a bold faced lie. It feels like screaming without noise.<br />
Wake up, sweet girl.<br />
You can face this and you will be okay.<br />
Trust the journey.<br />
Trust the truth.<br />
The choice was already made the moment you decided to live AWAKE.<br />
<br />
<br />
-casey<br />
<br />Caseyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08306281035423351897noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3775116672264218021.post-43172035231462230842017-10-22T10:44:00.001-07:002017-10-22T10:44:32.287-07:00***I wrote this blog post probably three or four years ago and have never put it out there. I know it is very unfinished but I just want to post this right now. I am not embarrassed or afraid of any of my woo woo anymore. In fact, I think it is my favorite thing ever. Why be ashamed of that?<br />
<br />
<br />
Sometimes I catch myself in a moment of pure bliss. I felt one tonight when we were coming home from Dutch's first time at the movies. I am happy most of the time but sometimes I am go go go so I don't really FEEL it. I have been working my ass off lately and it feels good and exhausting at the same time. I have been enjoying motherhood and family time when I have it and it is amazing and again exhausting at the same time. I think because I care so much about both things that I put my heart and soul into both which takes more energy. Tonight I was able to actually feel some of the down right, absolutely, in the present, a-ha, here is is-happiness. I am not sure if most people feel this all the time constantly, but I get bursts of it. It is like all of a sudden I realize I am exactly where I want to be and exactly how I want to feel. <br />
<br />
I am proud of this because I have been working on happiness on a grander scale for the past 7 years. It all started with the book, The Secret. I know it is a controversial book but that book led me to the spiritual world of many things I never knew existed. Energy, spirit, the laws of the Universe, Mediums, and really just being in charge of what I create and who I am in this world.<br />
<br />
I don't even know where to start so I guess I will start with the resource I discovered after the Secret. I went onto i tunes and searched for the Law of Attraction. Something by Abraham Hicks came up and I put it on my ipod and went out for a walk. I had no idea who Abraham Hicks was or what I was about to listen to. This was my first real lesson in trusting my gut and not turning away from something just because it was "weird." Abraham Hicks was that weird. I am walking along, listening to this nice couple talk about things that made so much sense to me. I loved their message, their calming tone, their loving thoughts about the world. Then they explained that Abraham was channeled through Ester Hicks. Abraham is from the other side and is coming through Ester to help us understand why we are here or something like that. Um...........what the f$%#. That is literally what I thought. I got a weird feeling in my tummy and was instantly scared because I had never heard of anything like this. So this Abraham voice comes through Esther and her voice sounds weird and I was about to turn it off when something stopped me. I think this is the first time I really heard my own inner voice. It is like when you know it is YOU inside your own head. Well my inner Casey said, don't turn this off. Keep listening. So I did. I did and I actually was blown away by the lessons Abraham was teaching me. I decided then and there without even realizing it that I was on a journey.<br />
<br />
The tough parts of life put us on our path to awakening and success. By the time I started to seek out things, books, people to help me..... I felt lost. I guess that is why I was seeking answers. I had I wanted to feel good in my skin, to feel proud to be me, to let go of all of the pain of life that was holding me back. When I look back at how much energy I invested into the wrong things, I just shake my head.<br />
<br />
It's funny, I have been thinking about blogging forever. Thinking about it, like, I need to do it but I don't know what to say......<br />
Tonight I decided to just sit down and write and see what came out. <br />
I would have never thought I would write about Abraham. How very vulnerable of me.<br />
I guess I am about to share a story of the last seven years...not sure how I feel about this yet. I might change my mind.<br />
<br />
<br />
*** I know I wrote that last part because I have always wanted to write a book. The thing is, I don't know what to write about and if I really even do want to write a book. I think it is just this thing that I think will get me to write. I don't do it enough. It is my favorite thing to do and I fear it at the same time. What is that? I feel creative and I feel my creativity wanting to crawl out of me but I push it down. I push it down with mom'ing, with working out, with watching tv, with cleaning the apartment, with anything I can. writing is never as important. That makes me sad............Caseyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08306281035423351897noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3775116672264218021.post-60879571345298228502017-09-07T11:42:00.000-07:002017-09-07T16:36:04.591-07:00Lovingly The EndShe closed her eyes and knew it was the last time she would see her family.<br />
She was scared.<br />
She also knew it felt familiar. Like she knew where she was going although part of her had no idea.<br />
She let go.<br />
She gave in.<br />
She was gone.<br />
To everyone else but herself. She was gone.<br />
In the blink of an eye she saw her entire life flash before her. Like watching a movie. She saw and felt every moment. She felt it from their perspective- and from hers. She did not judge herself, but she realized so much. She understood she was here to grow and to learn. To be better than she was in the life before. To connect and to trust. To speak up and be confident in who she was. To love herself and everyone around her. That was the good stuff. That is what she will miss about not having a body. In that moment she realized how much energy she wasted with negative thoughts and disconnection during her time on the earth plane but she understood it was part of the journey of living.<br />
She watched the movie fade away with so much love and understanding.<br />
She realized she was surrounded by the most loving and warm light she had ever felt. It was surrounding her entire being and in that moment she realized it was with her the whole time.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Caseyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08306281035423351897noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3775116672264218021.post-25329097000907712972017-09-07T09:52:00.000-07:002017-09-07T09:52:03.339-07:00There is no such thing as perfect<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhTByPXFHWsx64f9NLKeMFmBSdSpk5e_EegvNXndEz4Y8Rd1nTeWy0QM22ZHTn11Aw7gBBeSIcrdIF77ntHyttwTxVaHQIn7cBJCZ6ieUAqujREnuI-_s6di3zTBt04xgSKJNCZTTBs_Pjp/s1600/fambam.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="773" data-original-width="1127" height="219" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhTByPXFHWsx64f9NLKeMFmBSdSpk5e_EegvNXndEz4Y8Rd1nTeWy0QM22ZHTn11Aw7gBBeSIcrdIF77ntHyttwTxVaHQIn7cBJCZ6ieUAqujREnuI-_s6di3zTBt04xgSKJNCZTTBs_Pjp/s320/fambam.PNG" width="320" /></a></div>
Honestly, I love this picture of my family. I love it. I also look at it and think, wow. if people only knew what that day was really like. It was definitely not a bad day but it was not perfect by any means. Not as perfect as this picture might make one think. My biggest energy suck these days is how I look at Facebook and often I compare myself or my family with others. I don't even realize I am doing it because at times it is like a mindless scroll. <br />
<br />
Yesterday was the fourth of July and The Phillips were ready for a lot of fun. Mixed into the fun was Chad and I pissing each other off for a good half hour, a little boredom, feelings of being too tired to go to the fireworks, some TV action, getting to the parade in Kirkland about 40 minutes late. Trying to go to the food vendors and seeing the longs lines and deciding to go to QFC instead because every restaurant was closed and the entire family was HANGRY as hell. Chad trying to beat the holiday traffic out of the fireworks show and being a psychopath with his fast walking to get to the car. I mean, it was just a normal day but there was some "not perfect" sprinkled in. I would not trade any of it for the world. I love my family and anything that comes with it. Life is messy. Its boring at times. It is yin and yang. It is not perfect. ever. I would never want it that way. <br />
<br />
As I said, I love this photo of our family and at the same time, I am like........dang, they look like they haven't a care in the world. But that is all facebook is. The highlight reel. The good stuff. The cherished moments. I love it for that. I love that facebook can make me a slide show, add some music and stir up emotions and nostalgia that I needed. I love the highlight reel, but if you are anything like me, you compare your life and your self to everyone else's highlight reel.<br />
<br />
Let's be messed up. everyone. Let's be super messed up and in love with our own mess. <br />
And fuck facebook.Caseyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08306281035423351897noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3775116672264218021.post-76660187832482173352017-09-07T09:49:00.001-07:002017-09-07T11:07:53.453-07:00Listen to what you already know<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I just called a radio show to ask a question I already knew the answer to. I am honestly a bit disappointed in myself for not listening to myself, but I am working on changing that tune right now. It won't help me to be upset with myself. What will help me is starting to listen to my own knowing. I have worked so hard to be able to hear and feel the knowing. It has taken years of conscious effort to get past the bullshit and feel the important stuff.<br />
Now I need to follow its guidance.<br />
So I called the show and I basically said, "Hi Marie, can you please tell me why my sister and stepmom hate me so much and why I feel guilty distancing myself and why I am afraid that my dad and brother won't understand and think it is all my fault that family is not the way it should be?"<br />
I already knew the answer.<br />
I needed her to tell me it was okay to not work at a relationship with them. I needed her to tell me I was not a bad person for giving up on what I think a family should be. I needed her to tell me I was not horrible even though they don't care to have a relationship with me. She did tell me all of that and I instantly vowed to really listen to myself. I have asked energy workers for years, what should I do? who am I? can you tell me my purpose? I have gotten some wonderful, beautiful, healing help and advice through the years. It is time, though, for me to help myself. I am smart. I have a strong intuition. I need to do the work to be able to guide myself. I already know what that work looks like. It is quieting down. It is journaling. It is staying in a high vibration. It is saying sweet things to myself. It is redirecting my thoughts when they are not supportive or helpful. <br />
It is knowing that I am extremely empathic and taking the time to separate my feelings from others and realize when I feel guilt, sometimes it is not REAL. It is guilt release training with breath and loving myself and TRUST. Trust myself and the Universe.Caseyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08306281035423351897noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3775116672264218021.post-3012376130410680912017-05-10T17:28:00.002-07:002017-05-10T18:01:02.115-07:00Slowing downI started a pretty amazing new job about 4 months ago. I get to travel, work close to home, work with great people, feel supported in what I do, enjoy going to work, all the good things.<br />
When I was in the process of accepting this job, my husband was in a job that was sucking the life out of him. He dreaded going to work, he was surrounded by negativity at the office, they expected him to live and breathe IT support, family was second at this company, there was no work life balance if you wanted to do well. Chad was doing it and he was pretending it was all good, but I knew it was not. He hated his job. I hated that he hated his job. <br />
At the same time Chad was in his shitty job, Dutch was going to a daycare after school every day. The woman would pick him up from school, take him to her house and Chad would have to race to pick him up every night by 6pm.<br />
This meant, <br />
Chad got home at around 6:40pm from picking up Dutch because the traffic from her house was that far.<br />
I got home around 6:30pm.<br />
Dutch would then have to rush to do his homework, rush to shower, no time for friends......lame.<br />
Chad and I were tired, with no time to sit down because now we only had about two hours to do Dutch's homework, make dinner, clean up, shower everyone and read, go to bed.<br />
It felt rushed, it felt hectic, it felt stupid, it felt mainland, it felt expected, it felt wrong. I kept wondering did Hawaii teach us anything? The island taught us that there is something better than this. How are we in this rat race right now?<br />
I think I was the one who told Chad to quit his job.<br />
I was going to be making great money, nothing crazy- but we would be comfortable and not have to worry. We wouldn't have to panic trying to find a sitter if I was going to be traveling. We would save massive money on child care. But really, what mattered the most is we would not have to feel like we were rushing through life. We would get to slow down and enjoy each other. We would have a parent permanently there to actually have time to be a parent. Dutch would get to play with friends after school, do all the things with ease and it just felt BETTER.<br />
So here I am in Riverside, California.<br />
On a work trip.<br />
I get a missed call from Dutch's school. Whenever the school calls I get the most intense pit of fear in my tummy. <br />
They left me a voicemail that said Dutch was in the nurses office. Okay..........what?! I am in California hearing this voicemail and freaking out. Here is what I want to share......by the time I called the school Chad had already handled it. He was already communicating with them, Dutch was already back to class and fine, and I thanked THE LAWD that Chad was not distracted by a job and he could focus on being the parent to be ready to take care of this stuff. Chad and I talked and we decided everything was all good and the moment of stress was short lived but I am so grateful we chose to have our situation this way.<br />
I get a lot of strange looks when I say my husband doesn't work. I feel judgment from a lot of people, some of them very close to me, when I say that Chad is the stay at home parent. I think, would they even question a stay at home mom?<br />
For example, we got passports earlier this year and the woman in the office asked Chad, "what is your occupation?" He said, "stay at home dad." she said, "but you must do something. what is your job or are you in school?" I could not believe it. What I wanted to tell her was, Chad gets extra time to play with his son. Chad does homework, the dishes, the trash, goes to Costco, handles emergencies, picks up from school, plays football with our son, soccer, and he gets to be happy. He gets to slow the F down and be happy. <br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQwYILN0c_0_RvsEQojOwt0NLe4bGtmjf7aOEwwczY62dN4LG4ivRIWPUbQtCSrHmrlhlmPrF06niY78821r8SbYjNDfUIYTmHvkaPqoFUu7AoOGxCoLEeXaSl2K-tam9bUKW3ouEEO5li/s1600/chad.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQwYILN0c_0_RvsEQojOwt0NLe4bGtmjf7aOEwwczY62dN4LG4ivRIWPUbQtCSrHmrlhlmPrF06niY78821r8SbYjNDfUIYTmHvkaPqoFUu7AoOGxCoLEeXaSl2K-tam9bUKW3ouEEO5li/s320/chad.jpg" width="240" /></a>I don't think you can ever really decide what is right for another family. You can't know what they need and want because it is what YOU need and want. I think the most important thing is, are you happy? If someone asked me that I would say, HECK YES! I am so happy with my little tiny apartment with my two dudes, my kick ass job, travel, my husband that always gets me and supports me. It is working for US. To anyone who thinks Chad should be working because he is a man that is frickin stupid. Who knows, he may work someday but I don't think the short time we have on earth should be spent in anything else but happiness and LIVING whatever that means to you.<br />
What is better than extra time with family? To me, that is a priceless gift. Caseyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08306281035423351897noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3775116672264218021.post-50040478713392142522017-02-16T09:38:00.003-08:002018-04-30T09:40:21.556-07:00I want to be BIGWhen I was in fifth grade I remember thinking, no man will ever want to marry me with this skin.<br />
<br />
When I was in eighth grade I remember thinking, I desperately need make up or I will never get a boyfriend.<br />
<br />
When I was in high school I remember thinking, I better give my body away so he wants me.<br />
<br />
When I was in college and my twenties, these thoughts dictated how I showed up in the world. <br />
<br />
I don't know where these thoughts started from. It doesn't matter now.<br />
<br />
What matters now is that I know they are not my thoughts to carry. I realize that I decide what thoughts are real and important. I think because I was able to fight my way through the cobwebs of those thoughts, that I am able to feel so empowered in my self today.<br />
<br />
Today at the gym I realized, I love being strong. I love being big and powerful and it is a place where I feel safe having a presence. I love the way lifting makes me feel. I love the definition that lifting weights can create in my muscles. I love being able to pick up weights that I never thought possible. Weights that women are told are not for them because they might get "too big."<br />
I want to be big. I want to be big and loud and have a body that is LARGE no matter what anyone thinks of that. Physical strength has taught me to come back to the ground. To be grounded in who I really am. To stop myself from thinking men decide who and what I should be. <br />
<br />
Now that I am 38 I think, I love you Casey. Thank you for finally seeing yourself and realizing YOU decide what is valuable to YOU. THAT is beautiful. <br />
<br />
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Caseyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08306281035423351897noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3775116672264218021.post-90441078570290230072017-02-03T15:22:00.001-08:002017-10-22T10:30:15.022-07:00almost 40I am a woman that is almost 40 (okay, 39 but really, what is the diff?). I never in my life thought about what that might feel like. Then I was here. I am here. How does it feel?<br />
<br />
Well, it feels different on different days.<br />
<br />
When I look in the mirror, I actually really enjoy what I see. I think it is cool how I am starting to get a grey streak. A full on streak in the front, like Rogue from XMEN. Only, this shit is natural. I then google salt and pepper hair on pinterest and wonder if I just need to make that shit silver. Should I go balls deep on the grey now and just let it rip. Then I chill. No. Casey. It is just hair. It is just growing. You can color it or not color it but it doesn't matter. Just have fun.<br />
<br />
oh. ok.<br />
<br />
Then I look at my skin. It is wrinkley. Sun damaged. But I like it. It looks good. I still look young, don't I? Then I see that everyone and their mom is buying $200 skin care and I think, omigod, I need to do that. I am getting wrinklier by the second. I start to notice and critique and take selfies and dissect them and then pinterest skin creams and then I think..........No. Casey. It is just skin. It is aging well. You have cool freckles. You are almost 40. You don't have to have the skin of a 20 year old because your not fucking 20. Just have fun. Wear lotion and fucking get after it. <br />
<br />
oh. ok.<br />
<br />
Then I see a 25 year old. omigod, they are so young and vibrant and clueless and they think they know shit but they know nothing. But they are younger. They are fricking young. They have no idea that when they wake up tomorrow they are going to be 40. They won't be hanging with their friends every day wondering what they are doing that night. They won't have time to do all that shit they used to do because they got other really important shit to do. No. Casey. They are having fun. They are clueless but remember how much fun that was? Just because they are them does not mean you can't be you. You are not old and boring. You make different choices and you have so much more experience in that soul of yours. You can see it different but in 10 years you will see it different again. It is just age. Every age has its own beauty, its own lessons. Learn them. Always learn them and be able to laugh at EVERYTHING. Make mistakes. Then learn. Judgment of anyone is a waste of energy.<br />
<br />
oh.ok.<br />
<br />
Then I am in my life. Actually feeling it. Living it. Enjoying it. I am happy. I feel like I have finally really learned to be happy and not have to be doing anything to be happy. I can just be. With my family. Alone. In my Apartment. At Work. At the grocery store. At the gym. Just the daily stuff. When I was young..........I never knew. I don't think I really knew how to enjoy the stillness of life. Or the movement. But I was always in so much doubt and drama. Almost 40 and I have done a lot of work to enjoy who I am. How I choose to be here. What I think about. It is such a huge relief. Life seems to have sped up at warp speed. I don't know when that started but there was a time it felt slow. <br />
I can't think too hard about it. If I do, I get off track. I just want to be here. To be happy with what I got. With me. I am here loving me.<br />
<br />
deep breath.<br />
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Caseyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08306281035423351897noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3775116672264218021.post-126374781994993042016-11-13T16:32:00.003-08:002016-11-13T16:38:27.408-08:00Let's Be DifferentI am still comparing Seattle to Hilo, Hawaii. Hilo is still winning my heart but Seattle makes sense. Did I really go to a magical island to make sense? I will leave that one hanging........<br />
I am happy here. Really, I am.<br />
My job is great.<br />
My lil apartment is great.<br />
Family is great.<br />
Our money is WAY better than Hawaii.<br />
Fitness is great.<br />
Things are good. They are smooth.<br />
There is one thing that is on my mind a lot lately.<br />
I think I have finally really started to see the thing that has been confusing me.<br />
It is the mindset around "fitness" on the mainland. It is wack. Just straight up fucking wack.<br />
I was all about the wack attack many times and I didn't even see anything wrong with it before I left.<br />
Hawaii..........you beautiful, green, watery magical, eye opening fairy Godmother.<br />
What I learned and can see differently now is that in Hilo, no one hated their body like they do here. At least it didn't seem like it to me. It was not as normal for every woman I met to talk about diets, or focused clean eating or wanting to lose 5 pounds or being just straight up preoccupied with their body, their fitness or their fitness goals.<br />
Here, it is such a thing. If you are focused on fitness that is supposed to mean at least some sort of restraint, restriction, going out of your comfort zone, putting in the work, being on some crazy "eating plan" or counting something or just eating super clean so you can be a freak ninja or take 3 classes a day and then..........oh man. I can't even make any more shit up, my head is spinning.<br />
I did not see it the same before I moved to Hawaii.<br />
I saw it as normal. As healthy. As working hard. <br />
I am a bit confused with the messages I see in the world around me and the way my heart feels.<br />
My heart and definitely my body want to enjoy exercise and food. I have been listening to my body and not always going out of my comfort zone. Some days I don't kick my ass and I go on a long ass walk. Some days I do and it feels right. I don't worry about "counting that" in my imaginary health checklist. I take the time to stretch or enjoy a yoga class. Some days I don't do anything at all. Last week it was three whole days I didn't do anything at all. What a crazy rebellious act. Not really. People are just fucking crazy. It is not their fault. They are just trying to be happy. To be healthy. They are doing what their Trainer said or what they saw on Instagram. It's not the Trainers fault or the person on Instagram. They are just doing what they were taught. I want to say you can change the rules. It can feel good. You are not lazy. <br />
Today a friend asked me to review the meal plan she made for the week. She is about 120lbs and 5'7, very slender. She wants to lose 5 lbs. of corse. The meal plan was all about macros and some fake foods to cut calories and it was pretty intense. I was a bit hesitant to answer her because what I have found is people don't want to take any advise that is not punishing. They usually don't believe me that it can feel good. I suggested she ditch the plan and just eat real foods when she was hungry. Lots of veggies, protein, carbs. I mentioned consistency and finding things she enjoys. AND, I said she did not need to lose 5 lbs. I suggested lifting some weights and asked what she enjoys as far as movement. She laughed at my crazy advice and said she was going to try her meal plan and focus on pretty intense workouts.<br />
I was very interested in her response. Do you see what I am saying? Women are terrified of being fully comfortable with themselves. I still struggle with it and I have done alot of work to accept every wrinkle, roll, muscle, part. I still have to talk myself into love. Being loving to myself. I wanted to write about this just to get this idea out there. I still love to push myself and work hard and focus on health but it is kinder. I am desperately trying to hold onto some aloha. I want to get the message out there that it is okay. You are okay. Your body and your looks will not make your life better. Your life can be so much more than JUST that. Caseyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08306281035423351897noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3775116672264218021.post-79093796461623100352016-01-26T11:58:00.000-08:002016-01-26T12:45:07.183-08:00Sensitive CaseySo much has been on my mind lately and writing seems to keep calling to me.<br />
I have these huge thoughts or ideas or visions and I keep thinking WRITE WRITE WRITE. But I haven't been.<br />
Not sure why and that doesn't really matter. I am just glad I am finally writing now.<br />
Moving back to Seattle was crazy.<br />
I am super glad we are home and I feel like I am finally recalibrated but man, it was hard.<br />
Maybe it was because we moved home right before Christmas when everyone was crazy Christmas stressed. Or maybe it was because it was really cold that week. Or maybe it was just me and I am nuts but........it was a dark first week. The vibe of the mainland is way lower than Hawaii. I have heard people say the big island has amazing energy and a high vibration, but I never really gave it much thought. <br />
I could feel it when we moved back. I could have cut the darkness with a knife. It scared me.<br />
It was also confusing because I was so happy to be home. I was excited. I was with family and friends that I had not seen in two years. I was curious. But it was like the darkness kept surrounding me. Reminding me that people are different here. That was Dec 23rd and as of today, I don't feel the darkness the same way. I guess that is what adjusting is. I don't think one place is better than the other. its not about that for me. For me, Hawaii was about HUGE SPIRITUAL GROWTH. My huge growth looked like days at the beach, beers, playing with my family, having minimal food in the house, some days only oatmeal and eggs, walking in the sunshine, reading, playing with neighbors and friends, family, volcanos, working at a job that was BLAH but not really even realizing it because I was so thankful to have a job, exploring, adventure, not being able to go anywhere because we had no gas in our car, vog, THE STARS, just the sky........the beautiful birds, coquis. And in all of that, I found my empathic side. I am not even sure how I started to look for it but I really learned in the last two years that I am sensitive as fuck and that I love that about myself. <br />
I have always wanted to have psychic powers since I was a little kid. Actually, I really wanted to be a medium as a kid. I would watch John Edwards, Crossing Over, and think- THAT IS EPIC and I WANT TO BE AROUND THAT. Then from about 12-27, I just thought I was weird and too sensitive. 27-35 I was less insecure about my spiritual side and I started to dive into it. I would go to lectures, listen to podcasts, read, visit energy healers, visit Reiki practitioners, meditation circles..........I started my journey.<br />
But Hawaii took me to another level. I had no idea it would happen this way and I am thankful as hell for it.<br />
I realize I am an Empath.<br />
I realized I was exhausted when I got to Hawaii because I had NO boundaries. I was still into people pleasing and wanting people to like me and service. Because we were struggling so much in Hawaii I had to make changes. I had to let go of teaching and training more and more and I felt fucking great. It was so strange because I love people. I love fitness. I love helping people change for the better. But it was draining the shit out of me without me realizing it.<br />
So I started to reel myself back in. I started to chill more. To be with family more. To pay attention to the good stuff more. To not feel obligated to anyone else's shit. It was liberating and it gave me more time to explore my sensitivity. I am not messed up. I do not have a problem because I feel deeper than most. I am realizing that is my gift. I fucking FEEL to the core. I feel everything. I can feel other people's feelings like they are my own. It is confusing because sometimes I mistake them for my own. Learning to separate them has been hugely impactful. Powerful, even.<br />
For instance, last night Chad was doing homework. He was just sitting at the table on the computer. thats it. <br />
I started to feel major anxiety. I started to get short with Dutch and edgy. I turned on music and it pissed me off. I was literally IN HIS SHIT. It was amazing the second I realized that it was not my own, I seperated it. I asked Chad if he was okay and bless his heart he tried to hide that shit from me and said, "ya, homework is just hard." Welp, the next day he said how stressed he was and that he had all this anxiety because his project was taking forever. I could totally understand what he was dealing with and my sensitivity allowed me to be completely understanding. I knew what he was dealing with. It is cool. Now that I am learning to manage it, it is cool.<br />
One thing that I have done since move home is try to set up boundaries and really listen to what is good for me. By listen, I mean, follow my gut. I am very careful with my time and energy and if something doesn't feel right, I ain't doin it. It is no offense. It is just me, being careful with me.<br />
This might sound weird to some people but I am not going to apologize. This is my blog. If you don't like it, that is okay. I have spent way too much time not writing what I really want to because I was afraid people would think I was weird. I don't care anymore. Or atleast, in this moment. So here I am. Learning about my spiritual self. I fucking love it.<br />
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<br />Caseyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08306281035423351897noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3775116672264218021.post-77731856098208835152015-08-18T19:14:00.001-07:002015-08-18T19:14:06.370-07:00Loud thoughts Being here in Hawaii is definitely a time of reflection for Chad and I. I personally feel I am here with my family at this time, on this island to shift my thoughts. No better place than an island where everything is chill times a million, sun is shining, waves are crashing, people are shaka'ing.....It is a good place to mellow the F out. I have been thinking a lot lately about the past without trying to think about the past. I think too much, period. I am trying to think less and when I do think, to think positively. I have been thinking about my past so fondly and that feels strange. I had negative thoughts playing in my head like a MUTHA. They were on auto pilot, it is almost like I had no idea it was happening but it was shaping EVERYTHING around me. Living in Seattle for instance......Chad and I talk about it a lot and we realize we had amazing lives there. We had so much to be thankful for but it was like we were so blinded by SOMETHIN, ego maybe, I don't know, that we could not even fully enjoy it. I look at pictures of Washington now and think........man, that was such a great moment, or wow, I really miss Juanita beach or that walk I used to do with Dutch all the time.....I realize the thing that is separating me from that photo is my thoughts. What am I going to look back on in two years and think.........I should have been in that moment more. I should have stopped complaining and started appreciating.<br />
I know I do it with motherhood. damnit. I do.<br />
I get frustrated or worried or fearful or I project shit onto Dutch that is probably made up in my head.<br />
Waste of time.<br />
I won't beat myself up for this shit because I am very intentionally working on this.<br />
With love in my heart and quietness in my mind.<br />
The negative thought thing is something I really need to stop. Just stop it.<br />
I have been more aware of my thoughts lately and that shit is NE-GA-TIVE. Not needed.<br />
No one can hear or even tell and its really not an issue, but I want to see what happens when I really turn it off.<br />
When I stop complaining, judging, fearing, comparing, doubting, worrying.<br />
<br />
I have been trying to listen to my thoughts lately rather than just letting them play.<br />
<br />
for example, the cooking dinner thoughts sometimes.......<br />
this counter is too small<br />
this house is too small<br />
why is it so loud in here<br />
can Dutch turn that frickin tv down<br />
Vader is so hairy<br />
Vader probably makes me smell like dog all the time<br />
I bet I smell like dog<br />
ew<br />
I am so gross and I smell<br />
It is so hot in here<br />
Why am I the one cooking all the time<br />
everyone is lazy but me<br />
all I want to do is sit down, poor me<br />
(that was about five seconds living inside my mind)<br />
<br />
Even that little bitty innocent negative thought sequence is stealin my flow. It is robbing me of something. I don't know what but I am over it. I want to try to cook dinner and think of NOTHING. That would be awesome. I watch the food that we are so lucky to have. I think about how amazing it is that we have a kitchen, I realize that I get to provide this for my family that I love with all my heart, The beautiful sound of my happy family hanging out together, I know that may sound like living in la la land but I want to live in la la land. I want to live there and stay there and eat in there. Meditating does help. Need to do it more. Journaling does help. Need to do it more. Blogging does help, BOOM. <br />
After one month of serious intention, I wonder what is possible. Peace, probably.<br />
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Dutch's first two years of life were the most terrified I have been ever. When I look at this picture of him now I wish I could have given myself a hug and told myself I was deserving of being his mom. I was good enough to do the job. I would help him become a wonderful person. I can now. It is not too late.</div>
Caseyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08306281035423351897noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3775116672264218021.post-27511356735300448492015-07-02T20:51:00.000-07:002015-07-02T21:17:49.705-07:00spirit magic slapfestWorking out is usually when I feel the most clear. It is a moving meditation for me. I am moving my body, clearing my energy, thinking about how my muscles feel, cultivating strength and really just not letting the bullshit of whatever bullshit is going on, get in my way. Sometimes when I am really in it and usually when I am by myself, I will have a moment of spirit magic. I just named it because I have never really talked about this thing that happens but I realize I want to. Spirit magic is when I get full on messages from spirit, spirit guides or source, the man upstairs, the universe, whatever it is. I don't know. I just know that when I hear it, it is not even something I hear but something I feel. Messages that fly in fast and furious but are CLEAR.<br />
It is beautiful and amazing.<br />
The other night it happened and it was important. I was working out in my driveway. It was a beautiful night. The sun was shining and birds were chirping and singing and just sounding so so so sweet. I was into the movements and I was fully into what I was doing. Lunge jumps, push us, burpees, the good body weight stuff. Its a different type of beast when I can feel that all by myself. I love working out at the gym but at times its hard because the hyper sensitive person I am, am still absorbing others when I am at the gym. I am still feeling vibes and noticing what others are doing, being in their energy. This night when I was at home it was just me, nature, my hard work and my spirit magic, apparently.<br />
The message flew into my head so quick. It was like my spirit magic puked its magical guts all out into my brain.<br />
It sounded and felt like this........<br />
"Forgive yourself. <br />
For everything.<br />
For hurting whomever you have ever hurt.<br />
For ever lying, for being a shitty daughter, wife and mother at times, for being confused, for not loving the right way, for not having enough money, for being wrong whenever you were wrong, for cheating on those tests in elementary school, for hurting her feelings, for feeling weak, for wanting more, for being powerful but not using your voice, for making yourself small, for saying that one thing soo soo soo wrong, for treating him like shit, for blaming her, for making it all such a big deal...........it is okay. We love you. We love you for learning and for doing your best. That is all you need to do. Stop putting pressure. stop comparing. Enjoy where you are. Enjoy who you are. Mistakes are allowed. Being shitty is allowed. for everyone."<br />
<br />
HOLY CRAP. In that moment, it all made sense. The message was so clear and so totally loving. I realized after the spirit magic slap in the face that I was holding so much over my own head. Holding EVERYTHING over my own head. I am talking things that happened five years ago and that was so small, that no one remembers but me.........holding onto shit without even knowing it. I felt like in that moment, the world was giving me permission to love myself anyways and clear away my own judgement. Despite mistakes. Despite being wrong......ever to whomever. I felt in that moment that everything was good. I was good. I also felt a deep need to share the message. It was not just for me. We all must do it, right? We all must judge ourselves too harshly and too much. Well rest assured, my workout told me to tell you that it's all good. Be nice to yourself. You are awesome and loved and forgiven for it all and forgiven for what you will do tomorrow and the next day.<br />
<br />
Thank you for letting me share this with you.Caseyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08306281035423351897noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3775116672264218021.post-70563849603287846192015-05-17T12:28:00.001-07:002015-05-17T15:16:15.550-07:00I can't care anymoreIn preparation to move to Hawaii I was so focused. I was happy with what I was doing and I thoroughly loved my nutrition and workout regime. I loved it. I was working out like a maniac although it was fun for me and I was working as a Trainer so living at the gym and teaching and taking classes was my thing. I didn't realize I was working out twice a day sometimes or maybe all day sometimes because I was just having fun. I love moving and I love training, learning, pushing limits. Yes. I was also eating on point. I knew my snacks, meals, meal times, what to eat and what not to eat. It was a beautiful flowing practice and I was happy. I would still indulge frequently. I was eating chocolate all the time. I didn't drink much but I didn't have a reason to. I felt fucking great. I loved how I looked. I did still worry at times and have panic moments of, "I am not good enough. I am so horrible for eating that cupcake." blah blah. It really is blah blah because it was so in my head. What I was doing was working for me because it felt easy and I was enjoying myself. My environment went well with my daily routine. <br />
So flash forward to living in Hilo, HI.<br />
I am totally assimilating and its not a bad thing. I just notice it and it makes me laugh a little.<br />
I am still regimented in my healthy habits but they look a lot different. It was not by choice at first. <br />
In the last year I have not been able to afford supplements, I have not been able to afford to get my gluten free this or that (if I thought it was expensive before. it is REALLY expensive here. I saw $15/loaf gluten free bread yesterday. fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.) I can't always get my organic, sprouted, made with stevia, cage free, grass fed, free roaming whatever. I can't always get all the vegetables that I want. I had no idea those things were luxuries. No idea.<br />
I have a healthy flowing practice that I am happy with but it is different. I eat white rice sometimes because it is what we have and because its fucking delicious. I even eat white potatoes sometimes. I don't eat nearly as many vegetables as I did before we moved here but I do eat them and I am so lucky my in laws have an incredible garden. There was one little stint of time where I ate eggs and white rice with salsa for about a week. I was grateful to have it. I buy protein powder and fish oil when I am lucky to. Not always. I wake up at 4:30am to workout most days and then I sit for pretty much 8 hours a day until after work when I am so tired that sometimes I sit some more. Sometimes I got to the park with Dutch, sometimes I walk Vader.<br />
What I am trying to say is that I am going with the flow more than I ever knew I needed to and I am still happy and so is my body. My routine has totally changed because of my environment and although different, it is still beautiful. At first I was so freaking out. I can't get my supplements, I have to not eat salad with a side of vegetables at most meals?! All we have is white rice? I am not able to workout when I want to and for as much as I want to?! WHAT??? But I am okay. I am more than okay. I am not my body. I am not my regime. My body can change, it can get bigger or smaller or faster or slower. I still deserve love and happiness. I take care of my body and I eat foods that are good for me because I feel better mentally and physically when I do. I am not my body. I take care of my body because it takes care of me. I take care of it the best way that I can with the resources that I have.<br />
So I eat some white rice now and then. I drink a lot more living in Hawaii because it is sunny and chill and that makes me want to have a glass of wine or two with friends. I still don't drink that much but I do and its fun. <br />
whatever.<br />
who cares?!??!<br />
I see what I used to post with my before and after pictures. My goals to be whatever body fat percentage. My meal plans. who cares?! Health matters. Feeling good in my body matters. Liking how I feel in my clothes and in my skin matters. Gaining 5-10 pounds since I moved here doesn't fucking matter. I am happy. I love how I feel and look. I am still happy in my skin and my swim suit and in my workouts and what I eat. It is different but I am happy. I love going to the beach with my family and being there in my swim suit playing in the water with Dutch and Chad, not even thinking about what I look like. That was not always the case. It feels good to feel free. <br />
When and if we move back to the mainland where I can eat differently and workout differently, I might get back into some habits from my mainland days. I probably will because I enjoyed them. My point is, it doesn't fucking matter. WHO CARES?!!!!!!!!! <br />
I am more focused on loving myself and everyone around me more than white or brown rice.<br />
I am more focused on playing in the waves then worrying about if my ass looks too big when I am wearing my bikini.<br />
I am more focused on how my toes feel walking through the sand then if I had the proper serving of protein.<br />
Healthy feels good. But it can feel good many different ways.<br />
Happy feels good. But it can feel good many different ways too.<br />
I am enjoying myself. I am filling up with gratitude and appreciation.<br />
I am happy and healthy the way I want to be and that is enough.<br />
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Caseyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08306281035423351897noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3775116672264218021.post-47652550071346214152015-04-27T22:28:00.002-07:002015-04-27T22:28:41.328-07:00The Brave Throwdown- As the STRONGMUTHAZSo I just blew up my facebook page and IG with pictures from the Brave Throwdown. What was it? When I signed up I thought it would be like gym class. A fun little fitness competition where you count who can do the most burpees in a minute. I thought it would be hard but I had no idea it would suck the life force out of me. It was not a gym class workout. It was a CRAZY FITNESS FREAK workout and it kicked my ass. It kicked my ass in the first five minutes and I had about 50 to go. <br />
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My friend Tara is the one who got me to sign up. She texted me a picture of the flyer and said, "you should do this." I don't know how I actually ended up doing it but she was the inspiration. I was on a team with two women from the gym who I absolutely love. Heather is the Personal Training Director at Penn and Lissa is an Instructor. At first Lissa said, mmmmmmmmm no. Somewhere along the way she realized she wanted to do it and the Strongmuthaz were born. We are all moms and I love having that bond with them. It is mom power. And it's awesome.<br />
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So, okay, we show up and all I see are fit dudes. Everywhere. Then sprinkle in the fit females and I realized this was going to be brutal. Everyone else seems like they are READY. They are fierce. They might of actually trained. shit.<br />
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The competition was like this, 45 seconds of something crazy hard, followed by 15 seconds of active rest, like a plank. (pssshsdasfsdfr, that is not rest. but mmm, hello, Casey. Stop being a whiny baby and man up.) Do that for 8 rounds, which is 8 mins of work. Then- a 5 min AMRAP but each person on the team goes in turns. There were six total "events." Three of the 8 minute MUTHA F&CK$RS and three of the AMRAPs. <br />
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The event was so well put together, I must say. Everyone there was so warm and friendly and I really got a beautiful sense of community. That is one of the things I love about Hilo. People are just really connected in certain situations. It was most of the gyms in Hilo working out together but The Brave Fitness put the event on. Their athletes were tough, by the way. holy moly. Same with the cross fitters. Man, they know how to take a beating and make it look easy.<br />
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So we got started. Boom. Here we go. I was smoked and body rocked after about 5 minutes. Not exaggerating. I was freaking out. How was this happening? But it was what it was and my team was so amazing and loving and strong and we just kept going. I was fighting my way through it. Talking to my body, thinking, "MOVE." "GO." But my body was like........if you do one more clapping push up, you might not make it. You might land on your face. You really might have to run outa here and puke.<br />
What I really was proud of is that I was apart of this crazy thing. I was in that room, on the scoreboard with amazing and incredible athletes. My teammates included. I was proud of myself for pushing as much as I could and for surviving. We didn't win but we did it. That in itself is awesome. There were only three all female teams and we were one of them. That is so cool! <br />
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I was able to feel the room. Not so much when I was about to die because I was getting my ass kicked so hard but.....during moments........when I could hear Chad telling me to BRING IT. When my friend, Tara, got down on her knees and right in my face and told me to WORK. She told me I WAS STRONG. When I looked up and saw Dutch saying, GO MOM! (then he said, can I go back to play with my friends now?!) I got them. I was getting them in that moment. I loved them. I looked over at Heather just working like the energizer bunny and Lissa pushing herself in a way I had never seen before. The way I felt about the strangers after we did that sort of work together........it was connection at its finest. They might not even know the love I felt for them, the one's who kicked my ass. I was in awe of them.<br />
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I am so glad I signed up for that good ole THROWDOWN. You never know when you will get your ass handed to you and have a spiritual experience all in one moment.<br />
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Caseyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08306281035423351897noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3775116672264218021.post-78528683995305881632015-04-24T22:51:00.000-07:002015-04-24T22:51:41.464-07:00the good lifeI found my good ole blog today. I don't know what made me look for it. I really don't but I was shocked when I found myself thinking, "I like this girl. This mom who wrote this blog. She is cool. I like what she is saying." Most of the time I feel like a maniac mom person. I feel like fitness and writing are two things that make me feel grounded. Probably because they are what I am passionate about-- but that is what happens. I could be a raving, mad, lunatic all day and then I am in the gym feeling like I GOT THIS. Or writing my thoughts and they seem SO SIMPLE. I have thought about writing many times but have felt confused about where to start. The last year has been crazy. Literally. <br />
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So, it started with our move to Hawaii. Those that know me have heard it a million times by now.......We boarded a plane, a few suitcases and our dog and away we went. <br />
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I honestly thought by this point I would have my own rockin Personal Training business. I would be successful, have a million clients, I would tear it up. I would successfully sell Advocare to everyone on the island and watch them transform into healthy, workout machines. I would write a wonderful fitness blog and continue my strongmutha.com website. Possibly expand to online coaching. I mean, really. Nothing would stop me. I would help so many people, I would blast off in my Training career. Um.......that did not happen. Not at all. I don't blame myself for dreaming. I loved it. I loved the unknown of what would happen when we got here. I was excited to not have a plan. As Chad and I kept saying to ourselves, "we are adventuring."<br />
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How do I even describe what happened when we got here?<br />
I don't know but I will try.<br />
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We ran out of money in about two months.<br />
We couldn't find jobs to save our lives.<br />
We realized we could not live with Chad's parents (Love you guys!!!!)<br />
We were scared shitless.<br />
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And that is when everything changed.<br />
I don't blame the fear. It is natural to be afraid when the shit hits the fan. It was part of the adventure that we just didn't know about ahead of time.<br />
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What we quickly realized is that this adventure was not going to be smooth sailing. I realized why my family was worried about me moving to an island. Everything they said was true. It was hard as hell to find jobs. It is expensive here. We were crazy. yes. yes. and yes. But what I love is that was all part of it. Now that we are doing a helluva lot better I realize we needed that. This island has given us everything we need from the start. The first lesson being: YOU DON'T NEED ALL THAT SHIT. Even though we came here with nothing, really. We still needed that lesson. second lesson, YOU GOTTA GET WAY OUT OF YOUR COMFORT ZONE. Not just out of it a bit. GET THE HELL OUT OF THAT ZONE. third was really learning to be GRATEFUL. I don't mean to share these lessons like,<em> we are so enlightened now because of the lessons we have learned. </em> Hell no. We still work on the learning everyday. I am just sitting here, looking around at our small studio that we live in with the three of us and our 90lb, hairy ass dog, thinking. THANK YOU GOD. WE ARE SO LUCKY. <br />
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In that last year I have been so proud of my family. We never gave up. We eventually came up with Hawaiian Plan B and feel amazing. Chad is going to school for his BS in Computer Science. He is getting straight A's for the most part and I am so incredibly in awe of his passion for software development. Because we are here, he gets to pursue his dream. Somehow, he got into the U of H and was able to get student loans. This has been the new goal of the family. To support Chad in this amazing education that will soon really help our family. Not to mention he loves it like I love fitness. Dutch was able to get a scholarship to an amazing pre-school. Things that like that just started coming out of no where. We have the most amazing family ever (the same people we could not live with) who did everything they could to help us get on our feet.<br />
We met the most incredible, giving, people. I look around at our situation just thinking, there is no way any of this could have been the wrong choice. Although it has not gone as planned AT ALL, it is beautiful. These people are meant to be in our lives. They are meant to teach us things and share things. This island is magical and lovely and warm.<br />
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My fitness career is one of the things that has surprised me the most. It has gone through some transitions. I started teaching and training full time at an amazing gym in Hilo, Penn Fitness. That gym and the people in it are A WHOLE NUTHA LEVEL special to me. After a few months of working there full time I realized it was not going to support us enough. There is not really a fitness industry in Hilo. Not what I was used to. The stress that I was feeling trying to make enough money to survive was killing me. I had to leave the gym. We were still in our tough times. "Not sure how to get food on the table" sort of times. The Universe, the island, truly gave me a huge gift, which is working at Altres staffing. I would not have asked for a desk job. No I would not. BUT, if I have to have one, this is a pretty amazing one. And, it is in Hawaii which makes it awesome in itself. The girls I work with are incredible human beings. My family is so much more comfortable, we are able to enjoy so much more. I am still involved with the gym and have one client who is a whole nutha blog in itself because she is so mind blowing-awesome.<br />
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Did I mention Dutch is so happy here? He has no clue we have even struggled. He thinks we have a big ole slumber party every night. Kids are magical. <br />
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So there it is. <br />
I see comments on facebook when I post pictures of us at the beach like, "Hawaii looks good on you guys." I think someone said "The good life." something like that. Yes, it is. It's an amazing life. It is not just what you see in the pictures but when we find the happiness, the good stuff, we take pictures. We document that shiz. So thank you for that. I always realize we do live a pretty damn good life when I see those comments. <br />
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My goal now is to really find peace with myself. To just stop trying to plan the future. I want to be here in this island life for now. I want to enjoy the hell out of it and work on my spirit. Learn to be quiet more, learn to enjoy life. Really learn what being happy is to me. <br />
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I do want to write more often. I want to share what the island has taught me about my body and my fitness mentality. <br />
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I will. <br />
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Caseyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08306281035423351897noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3775116672264218021.post-41323151783699826402013-07-10T10:15:00.001-07:002013-07-10T10:37:39.751-07:00Muscle Mama Before I started really lifting weights I was doing ALOT of cardio. Crazy hard, metabolic training, make you wanna puke, cardio. Now that I think of it, I was probably overtraining a bit, going HARD most days of the week because I was teaching a lot of classes that required me to do that. I was eating about 80% healthy and 20% not. I am always conscious of how my body will feel if I make certain choices, but I love a cocktail or glass of wine now and again. I want to enjoy my life, what I eat and how I workout and let the body that follows that, be my body. I LOVE sweets and have a bit of chocolate most days. I eat a ton of fruit, veggies, healthy protein and sweet potatoes. Love my coffee in the morning and talk myself out of it in the afternoon. <br />
In the below red short pics, I weighed about 162 lbs. and I am 5'8 and was 22% body fat. <br />
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I started training at Shine Fitness in February 2013 (6 months ago). I work with three women who love to lift heavy and look fantastic. All three have different body types but are all very lean, strong, feminine and can lift more than most men. They quickly taught me the Shine training philosophies and I adapted them for myself. I started to lift heavy weights properly twice a week. I didn't change my eating much, I feel good with my relationship to food. I am a bit more strategic in my lifting and my cardio training and have 1-3 rest days a week. My goal was to tighten up, feel strong and firm, and make my workouts effective and hard core. If I am feeling 4 workouts in a week, that is what I will do but I will give them total focus. I lift two times a week using the Shine philosophy of training. I recently took some pics of the changes and although I weigh the same or maybe a little more, around 162 lbs., I can feel and see the slight changes. I feel tighter and I can totally see it in the pics. Granted, the first pics were in January so I am totally pasty, lol. So sad that a tan really does make things look so much better. :) I am pretty sure you will see what I am talking about here. In the pink sports bra pics, I weigh 162lbs. and am 20% body fat. My % went down 2% since adding in heavy lifting 6 months ago.<br />
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I wanted to share these pics for a few reasons.<br />
1. Whatever the scale says, I am at a weight that works for me. It doesn't feel like I am going crazy to maintain it, I feel strong, healthy and fabulous in this weight and that is what matters to me. I was able to get tighter, just by adding in heavy lifting and not changing much else besides resting more.<br />
2. Strength training really does tighten everything up. Muscle is leaner, tighter and harder than fat. <br />
3. The scale is dumb.<br />
4. You don't have to be drastic, feel deprived or like you are chasing some crazy goal to make you feel worthy of loving your body. You define what feels good to you.<br />
5. Being in the fitness industry adds another level of pressure to look a certain way and I am always battling that a little bit on the inside. I constantly remind myself I don't need to be the skinniest, I don't have to weigh any certain number. I need to decide what feels healthy to me and own it. <br />
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Caseyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08306281035423351897noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3775116672264218021.post-23303425003810527042013-04-05T18:13:00.002-07:002013-04-05T18:13:33.575-07:00Almost 35<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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My 35th birthday is quickly approaching and it is trippin me out. I can remember when I used to think being over 30 was ancient. I am very excited to graduate to 35 and feel I have learned so much in the last year. SO MUCH. There have been chapters in my life such as 0-10, 10-15, 15-18, 18-27, 27-30, 30 to present. I can group my own years of age like chapters of a book based on how much I have changed and grown during those times. <br />
It is hard to even explain what exactly I have learned over the years but the underlying theme is, I continue to learn to love more and feel anything else, less. This includes myself, situations, people, experiences. It all comes back to love and looking for the ability to be all up in that love.<br />
I have seen my fitness and health goals take on a more loving vibe. I continue to be kinder to myself, to treat myself with respect and to workout and eat in a way that feels good. This is not perfect.<br />
My last post was about my goal of being 18% body fat before my recent trip to Hawaii. I have been lifting heavy weights 2-3x a week and doing interval cardio training 3 days a week. I didn't really change my nutrition dramatically but I did get rid of some bad habits. Bad is such a strong word, maybe we should call them "not so good" habits. I started drinking my coffee black and went from about 4 cups a day to only 2 in the morning. I stopped buying dark chocolate so I cut myself off from my "after dinner chocolate" habit. I started eating way more protein and I stopped eating bread. None of this was all that tough but after a week it definably got easier and easier. After about a month I lost 2 lbs. on the scale and 1.5% body fat! That is a big deal for me and I feel absolutely fabulous at 20%.<br />
I have decided I feel great. I keep catching myself wanting to be smaller, thinner, stronger, over and over and over. I have decided at almost 35, that my goal for my life going forward is to enjoy my health. 20% is where I want to be today, I don't feel the need to get to 18%. 20% feels good and I am happy here. I am not the smallest, buffest, baddest assest Trainer out there, BUT, I am the baddest ass version of Casey Phillips out there and I like that. I want to own that, to inspire other women to look at themselves and get to that point where they feel the same. Not perfect. Not even necessarily 20%, but that we all have that place where we feel good and look good and it doesn't have to be dreamy, or someone else's ideal body. It is ours. WE DECIDE. Almost every woman I know wants to be atleast 10 lbs. lighter. So many women struggle with self confidence in their bodies and we can all be so damn hard on ourselves. I refuse to do this any longer.<br />
I met a woman the other day who is in her 70's and we were discussing fitness. She was so hard on herself, she was putting herself down, feeling insecure and this woman was so beautiful. She was fun, nice, smart, caring, kind and it honestly pissed me off at the world that a woman like this isn't able to see her beauty and she might not get to appreciate it her entire life. I realize I need to take accountability for this now while I am a young 35 year old. I am not going to wake up someday when I am 70 and automatically feel awesome. I have to do the work now to make that happen. The work is complimenting myself, being proud of how I look, living and moving like a healthy person, letting go of negative thoughts as soon as possible. One day at a time I will be kind to Casey. She is pretty cool and she deserves to enjoy it. Come on, Case!!!Caseyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08306281035423351897noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3775116672264218021.post-21339049845605386652013-02-28T08:55:00.001-08:002013-02-28T08:55:20.403-08:00Phillips Family Potty Party<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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The potty training saga continues. <br />
My last update was about letting go and letting Dutch show me signs he is ready. Go with the flow, relax.<br />
um.........no. I changed my mind.<br />
Dutch got a a point that he was using the toilet at school but not at home. That is when mama decided we are going hard core. This boy knows exactly what he is doing. He is about to do this at home. On the toilet. No more babying my baby.<br />
I decided to have a potty party. Why not start with bribery to ease him into this new world of toilets, flushing, and big boy panties.<br />
I went to Safeway and got a bunch of balloons, some m&m's, gummy worms, and the grand finale of POOP PRIZES. If he pooped in the toilet, he would receive the bouncy balls and the animals that grew in warm water. totally gross, I know.<br />
So I went home, decorated for the party. I told Dutch about this amazing potty party all the way home from school. He seemed pretty excited. We got home and he ran into the bathroom to see his glorious toilet haven. HE WAS CRAZY EXCITED. Unfortunately, he was not excited when he found out there were rules to get the prizes. It took us about two days to teach him that if he peed in the toilet, he got candy. If he pooped, he got the poop prizes. After our 48 hours of confusion, he totally got it. He completely learned how to pee on the toilet, he didn't mind going in there to sit down and try. When he did pee, Chad and I acted like he just won the lottery. We jumped and cheered, we did a family high five. I wish I could say it was fun, but it was pretty much a ton of work. Okay, maybe it was fun a few times. Eventually Dutch started to learn to use the toilet when he needed to pee. He got a point that it felt weird to go in his pants/diapers. I would say this took about two weeks. He is still not a fan of having to go to the toilet and we have to make him pee about every hour or two. It usually goes like this-<br />
"Dutch, let's go potty." <br />
"NO!" (total whine)<br />
us-"go potty or else we will turn off your movie" or "go use the potty or no more toys." or "use the potty then we will have a Popsicle." I am totally aware that this may sound horrible and I hope I am not setting Dutch up to have a Popsicle, m&m and gummy worm problem when he grows up. I can only encourage my son to get therapy when he is older. As parents, we do the best we can and that is all we really can do. Anything that we mess up..........therapy. The kids will be fine.<br />
Dutch is still terrified to poop on the toilet and I am not rushing that at all. We put him in pull ups at nap and bedtime and that is usually when he relaxes enough to go. He also loves to go in his underwear or even just straight onto the floor. He hides behind couches, under the dining room table and in closets when he knows it is gonna happen. I can see how scared he is so I am definitely going to just keep supporting him through this fear. He did poop his pants last week and then I put him on the toilet to teach him that is where we poop. Part of a poop chunk fell off his butt into the toilet and he was soooooooooo proud of himself. You could just see the joy and shock on his face when he thought he did it and was still okay. I totally gave him the poop prizes so that pressure was taken away. <br />
Potty training is one of those things that does just happen, I realize that now, but so far I am proud of the Phillips family method. I will keep you updated, of coarse. Rock on- mom's.Caseyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08306281035423351897noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3775116672264218021.post-17628062870899966692013-02-26T14:25:00.001-08:002013-02-28T09:20:56.542-08:00Superhero At Home Metabolic WorkoutI managed to kick my own butt with this workout. The key is to make sure you move from exercise to exercise, don't take too many breaks in between. You can catch your breath and grab water in between sets, but keep on truckin through each round. I definitely had to talk myself into doing this because it was hard. When I am at home, it is so much more tempting to just stop. When you feel those thoughts creep in your head, think about your why and keep going. I was really picturing Hawaii every time I wanted to stop.<br />
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Let me also say, form is key for any workout. If you don't know what this means or how to do this and you want a Trainer to help whip you into shape, you email me. This workout is meant for someone who knows form, knows their body and knows how to find that edge on their own.<br />
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Start with about a 5-7 minute dynamic warm up<br />
I was moving and grooving through my living room. <br />
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Core work-<br />
Do each move for 1 minute, going through this whole set twice<br />
plank on forearms <br />
side plank with hip dips<br />
other side<br />
glute bridge, just hold your butt up and squeeze the hell out of your cheeks<br />
plank to push up (this is plank on your forearms to plank on your hands)<br />
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circuit- 1 minute for each move, three rounds of this!!! <br />
1. skaters<br />
2. pull ups ( I do have a pull up bar and was using a chair to help me, training myself to strengthen my back, getting ready to do pull ups with out help)<br />
3. burpees (yup! do em)<br />
4. tricep dips<br />
5. reverse lunge to hop (switch legs halfway through)<br />
6. chin ups (using the chair and pull up bar)<br />
7. jump split lunges<br />
8. see saw plank on forearms<br />
9. jump squats<br />
10. glute bridge with hip raises (squeeze those cheeks!!)<br />
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After going through those 10 moves, three times, you should be SMOKED LIKE BACON!<br />
It was funny because Dutch figured out I was into what I was doing and ignoring him. He dumped his chips on the couch and then created his own little death trap. I got away with the at home workout, though! Have fun!<br />
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Caseyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08306281035423351897noreply@blogger.com1