My little fam moved into a new place about a week ago. Moving is never easy but we feel so upgraded, so refreshed. While packing up boxes I found my wedding dress, the most elegant dress that has ever been in my Universe. My wedding day was one of the happiest days of my life and that dress brought back so many memories. I remember feeling so beautiful that day, so loved. So happy. I could not wait to put that dress on again and feel even closer to that day.
I slipped my feet in.
Pulled up the beautiful white fabric- and reached for the zipper.
It didn't fit.
Like, not even hold your breath and don't move, you can zip this up for a second, not fit.
Here is a recap of my thoughts as accurately and honestly as I can convey them immediately after this realization:
Holy shit. It doesn't fucking fit. I am a fatty.
I need to lose 15 lbs as soon as humanly possible.
What did I eat today?
Should I cleanse? Maybe just cut out sugar and carbs.
I wonder if I look fat. Can anyone tell I used to be skinny and now I'm not?
I wonder if Chad thinks I am fat?
If I was in Fitness magazine, I would look ginormous. I could never be in that magazine.
If I want to be in that magazine, I better lose the weight.
Do my students think I need to lose weight?
Do they wish I was skinnier?
I love chocolate.
Peanut butter and jelly toast is a staple of my morning. shit. I love waking up to that. shit.
the above thoughts all happened almost simultaneously in a matter of two seconds.
I say to Chad, "honey, maybe I need to lose some weight, this thing doesn't fit."
Chad to me-"huh? are you sure?" (he probably cant even tell the difference. love him.)
deep breath. stay present.
thoughts flowed quickly again. this time more honestly. less in the fear.
I am beautiful, who needs to fit into this thing?
Man, I was STARVING that day.
it used to be so hard to listen to my body. i enjoy listening to it now. I don't ever want to lose that.
I feel really good in this weight. I rock this weight. I have strong muscles.
I can actually eat and not obsess about food anymore. That feels amazing.
I am beautiful and healthy whether I fit into this thing or not.
What made this dress the definition of perfect? I guess that is up to me.
I don't ever want to fit into this thing or feel like I should have to.
I had a frickin baby. I made a person. I am awesome.
I don't want to diet and I am very comfortable in my skin. I love eating healthy and working out.
I don't want anyone that I train to feel like they have to be who they were 5 years ago.
I am 34 frickin years old and I teach hard core fitness classes. BOOM, yes!
That dress is so five years ago. change is good.
You can not defeat me, dress. We had a good time, you are done now.
I can't believe I am okay with this.
That is really awesome.
me to Chad-"actually, I am crazy, I am totally cool with it. I almost lost it there for a sec. I feel pretty good with not fittin into this thing."
Chad to me -"hon, you look amazing."
I smile and realize I just defeated my ego. I appreciate how I can sift through my brain and get to a place of love and gratitude.
That Sunday I told my spin class at Fly about the wedding dress incident. A few ladies actually clapped and every single woman in class could relate to the story in some way. I felt so much stronger and more confident after I shared the story out loud. I could feel my body respond to the positive energy and appreciate the praise. One of the things that really truly helps me step into the authentic me is being honest and sharing as much as I can, even if it puts me into vulnerability.
This post is a reminder that you are a new you, everyday. A healthy body does not exist based on the scale. Health is how you feel in your skin. How you choose to fuel yourself and move.
Here is to healthy living and loving ourselves. If we are truly doing that...........whatever follows is amazing and beautiful.
wedding day, August 11, 2007, weight watchers, really restrictive and hard on myself, trying to figure out how to be happy in my body.
a whole new focus, happiness and piece of mind. It's funny, you would never know from looking at the outside.