Tuesday, August 18, 2015

Loud thoughts

 Being here in Hawaii is definitely a time of reflection for Chad and I.  I personally feel I am here with my family at this time, on this island to shift my thoughts.   No better place than an island where everything is chill times a million, sun is shining, waves are crashing, people are shaka'ing.....It is a good place to mellow the F out. I have been thinking a lot lately about the past without trying to think about the past. I think too much, period.  I am trying to think less and when I do think, to think positively.   I have been thinking about my past so fondly and that feels strange.   I had negative thoughts playing in my head like a MUTHA.  They were on auto pilot, it is almost like I had no idea it was happening but it was shaping EVERYTHING around me.  Living in Seattle for instance......Chad and I talk about it a lot and we realize we had amazing lives there.  We had so much to be thankful for but it was like we were so blinded by SOMETHIN, ego maybe, I don't know, that we could not even fully enjoy it.  I look at pictures of Washington now and think........man, that was such a great moment, or wow, I really miss Juanita beach or that walk I used to do with Dutch all the time.....I realize the thing that is separating me from that photo is my thoughts.  What am I going to look back on in two years and think.........I should have been in that moment more.  I should have stopped complaining and started appreciating.
I know I do it with motherhood.  damnit.  I do.
I get frustrated or worried or fearful or I project shit onto Dutch that is probably made up in my head.
Waste of time.
I won't beat myself up for this shit because I am very intentionally working on this.
With love in my heart and quietness in my mind.
The negative thought thing is something I really need to stop.  Just stop it.
I have been more aware of my thoughts lately and that shit is NE-GA-TIVE.  Not needed.
No one can hear or even tell and its really not an issue, but I want to see what happens when I really turn it off.
When I stop complaining, judging, fearing, comparing, doubting, worrying.

I have been trying to listen to my thoughts lately rather than just letting them play.

for example, the cooking dinner thoughts sometimes.......
this counter is too small
this house is too small
why is it so loud in here
can Dutch turn that frickin tv down
Vader is so hairy
Vader probably makes me smell like dog all the time
I bet I smell like dog
I am so gross and I smell
It is so hot in here
Why am I the one cooking all the time
everyone is lazy but me
all I want to do is sit down, poor me
(that was about five seconds living inside my mind)

Even that little bitty innocent negative thought sequence is stealin my flow.  It is robbing me of something.  I don't know what but I am over it.  I want to try to cook dinner and think of NOTHING.  That would be awesome.  I watch the food that we are so lucky to have.  I think about how amazing it is that we have a kitchen, I realize that I get to provide this for my family that I love with all my heart,  The beautiful sound of my happy family hanging out together,  I know that may sound like living in la la land but I want to live in la la land.  I want to live there and stay there and eat in there.  Meditating does help.  Need to do it more.  Journaling does help.  Need to do it more.  Blogging does help, BOOM. 
After one month of serious intention, I wonder what is possible.  Peace, probably.
Dutch's first two years of life were the most terrified I have been ever.  When I look at this picture of him now I wish I could have given myself a hug and told myself I was deserving of being his mom.  I was good enough to do the job.  I would help him become a wonderful person.  I can now.  It is not too late.

1 comment:

  1. Yeah, it is so great to have such a lazy rest to think about the life and how to make it a better place for us.