Sunday, May 17, 2015

I can't care anymore

In preparation to move to Hawaii I was so focused.  I was happy with what I was doing and I thoroughly loved my nutrition and workout regime.  I loved it.  I was working out like a maniac although it was fun for me and I was working as a Trainer so living at the gym and teaching and taking classes was my thing.  I didn't realize  I was working out twice a day sometimes or maybe all day sometimes because I was just having fun.  I love moving and I love training, learning, pushing limits.  Yes.  I was also eating on point.  I knew my snacks, meals, meal times, what to eat and what not to eat.  It was a beautiful flowing practice and I was happy.  I would still indulge frequently.  I was eating chocolate all the time.  I didn't drink much but I didn't have a reason to.  I felt fucking great.  I loved how I looked.  I did still worry at times and have panic moments of, "I am not good enough.  I am so horrible for eating that cupcake." blah blah.  It really is blah blah because it was so in my head.  What I was doing was working for me because it felt easy and I was enjoying myself.  My environment went well with my daily routine. 
So flash forward to living in Hilo, HI.
I am totally assimilating and its not a bad thing.  I just notice it and it makes me laugh a little.
I am still regimented in my healthy habits but they look a lot different.  It was not by choice at first. 
In the last year I have not been able to afford supplements, I have not been able to afford to get my gluten free this or that (if I thought it was expensive before.  it is REALLY expensive here.  I saw $15/loaf gluten free bread yesterday.  fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.)  I can't always get my organic, sprouted, made with stevia, cage free, grass fed, free roaming whatever.  I can't always get all the vegetables that I want.  I had no idea those things were luxuries.  No idea.
I have a healthy flowing practice that I am happy with but it is different.  I eat white rice sometimes because it is what we have and because its fucking delicious.  I even eat white potatoes sometimes.  I don't eat nearly as many vegetables as I did before we moved here but I do eat them and I am so lucky my in laws have an incredible garden.  There was one little stint of time where I ate eggs and white rice with salsa for about a week.  I was grateful to have it.  I buy protein powder and fish oil when I am lucky to.  Not always.  I wake up at 4:30am to workout most days and then I sit for pretty much 8 hours a day until after work when I am so tired that sometimes I sit some more.  Sometimes I got to the park with Dutch, sometimes I walk Vader.
What I am trying to say is that I am going with the flow more than I ever knew I needed to and I am still happy and so is my body.  My routine has totally changed because of my environment and although different, it is still beautiful.  At first I was so freaking out.  I can't get my supplements, I have to not eat salad with a side of vegetables at most meals?!  All we have is white rice?  I am not able to workout when I want to and for as much as I want to?!  WHAT???  But I am okay.  I am more than okay.  I am not my body.  I am not my regime.  My body can change, it can get bigger or smaller or faster or slower.  I still deserve love and happiness.  I take care of my body and I eat foods that are good for me because I feel better mentally and physically when I do.  I am not my body.  I take care of my body because it takes care of me. I take care of it the best way that I can with the resources that I have.
So I eat some white rice now and then.  I drink a lot more living in Hawaii because it is sunny and chill and that makes me want to have a glass of wine or two with friends.  I still don't drink that much but I do and its fun. 
who cares?!??!
I see what I used to post with my before and after pictures.  My goals to be whatever body fat percentage.  My meal plans.   who cares?!  Health matters.  Feeling good in my body matters.  Liking how I feel in my clothes and in my skin matters.  Gaining 5-10 pounds since I moved here doesn't fucking matter.  I am happy.  I love how I feel and look.  I am still happy in my skin and my swim suit and in my workouts and what I eat.  It is different but I am happy.  I love going to the beach with my family and being there in my swim suit playing in the water with Dutch and Chad, not even thinking about what I look like.  That was not always the case.  It feels good to feel free. 
When and if we move back to the mainland where I can eat differently and workout differently, I might get back into some habits from my mainland days.  I probably will because I enjoyed them.  My point is, it doesn't fucking matter.  WHO CARES?!!!!!!!!! 
I am more focused on loving myself and everyone around me more than white or brown rice.
I am more focused on playing in the waves then worrying about if my ass looks too big when I am wearing my bikini.
I am more focused on how my toes feel walking through the sand then if I had the proper serving of protein.
Healthy feels good.  But it can feel good many different ways.
Happy feels good. But it can feel good many different ways too.
I am enjoying myself.  I am filling up with gratitude and appreciation.
I am happy and healthy the way I want to be and that is enough.

No comments:

Post a Comment