A Mother's Perspective

You never know where you are going to be when you hear a message that changes your perspective.  Chad and I went to a beautiful and very special wedding last night where I heard something that did just that.

Let me start by saying we did not bring Dutch.  Kids were allowed, in fact they were encouraged, which was so awesome.  We were planning to bring him until the last minute when Chad's mom wanted to have him over night.  She is crazy and amazing enough to want both Dutch and his cousin (also 2)  over at the same time.  Although I wondered how she was going to make this happen and if the kids would get any sleep at all, I agreed.  Sometimes I need to let him have an experience on his own and trust that it will all work out.  It is so good for Chad and I to get a break when we can and this wedding was perfect for that. 

The venue was gorgeous and the bride is someone who is very special to me.  She may not even know that because we don't hang out all too often.  We used to work for the same company and our kids were in daycare together.  Finding another mom to confide in, to text about stuff like big boy beds, to just have as someone who "gets" you as a mom, that is so special.  Tracey, the bride, is amazing because she is one of the nicest and most caring people I have ever encountered.  I am not just saying this.  It is rare to meet someone who instantly wants the good for every person they meet.  Tracey is always thinking of others first whether its the barista at Starbucks, her son, her friends or the kid who is biting our kids at daycare.  She is the very definition of KIND.  Of coarse she chose a very intimate gathering for her ceremony and she had a way of making you feel like if you were there, you mattered to her.  It felt like such an honor and I teared up quite a bit last night just truly feeling the love in the room.  It was BIG and GOOD.

Tracey's son was in the wedding, pillow pet, binky and all.  It was so awesome to see him share in the ceremony and party and to really watch her and her husband love BIGGER with him in the room.  A few times during the night, I wished Dutch was there and not at his grandma's.  I DID high five Chad during the ceremony, when I heard and watched all of the little kid's losing their minds trying to be quiet.  I know he would have had a blast and I know Chad and I would have loved having him there, but it also felt really good to just enjoy the night-off duty (let's be real, you are never off duty, EVER, but sometimes breaks count)

Chad and I were having such a great night.  Chad hit it off with some man named Bob who looked kind of like Santa.  We were sitting next to him during the ceremony, he actually gave me a tissue when I started bawling during Tracey's vows.  He ended up at our table and Chad and Bob were BFF.  I loved it. 

Tracey's mom gave such a loving and heartfelt speech.  This speech is really what changed my perspective and I think the only way I could HEAR IT the way I did, is in this circumstance.  There was a moment she told Tracey and Bret that they needed to enjoy each and every day.  She said people get into the habit of thinking life will get better after __________.  Maybe life will get better after potty training, after school starts, after you win the lotto, after the vacation, after you lose the weight.  She said life is NOW.  She said this was one of the happiest nights of her life and as she said it, you could really feel how this night came so much quicker than she could have imagined.
 
This reminder really got to me because I find myself, even if its in the back of my mind, doing the whole- I can't wait until after _____.  I know about staying present, I know life is happening now, I have heard this message lot's of other places and I say it in my classes all the time.  Something about THIS time was different.  It sunk in.  I got it.

Each day means something special and I am going to do everything I can to cherish my life.  I know I may forget this from time to time but I know those beautiful reminders are sprinkled throughout our days.  If I look for them, they will help guide me.  I look back at pictures of Dutch as a tiny baby and I miss his little body.  I miss how he felt in my arms as a bambino.  It seems like the blink of an eye before he was walking, then running, now running away from me at times.  I was terrified of becoming a mom, that so much of that beautiful baby stage has gone way too quickly.  All the while allot of me was wishing it would hurry up and pass.  I appreciate all of this and all I can do now is move forward with all of these lessons, all of this perspective. 

Look for the messages.
Be open to receive them.
Love BIG.
The present is a gift.

The Art of Letting Go

Below is an old post from like two years ago that made me LAUGH!!!  Please note I do not condone hot hot yoga that cooks your body like a turkey on Thanksgiving.  I LOVE yoga and I do want to practice more but have since determined that HOT yoga (over 95 degrees is NOT for me).  This post made me laugh and smile because 1. I thought it was funny and would have never remembered this day if I didn't write about it. 2. I appreciate the fact that I am reminding myself the art of letting go via blog post.  Perfect timing for me.  I am going to let some shit go right now..............  There.  Gone.  Done.  bye bye.

Now enjoy this old story....

What is yoga to me? It is not only a physical workout that allows my body to feel strong, healthy, challenged and loved but it is a mental cleansing. I go into the yoga room whether its heated or non heated to clear my mental clutter.   Once I enter the room and lay down my mat, I set my intention to clear my thoughts. If there is a mirror I focus on my third eye with such connection, that I often don't pay attention to anything else in the room. It has taken me a few years to find my yoga breath and to really feel that strong connection to myself and let go of the ego that can creep in, especially in hot yoga.
I know how important nutrition and diet can play into my mind and body during class. I have learned many lessons and each class is different. I can honestly say the yoga room is the one place in this world where I really feel connected to my spirit. I know that sounds heavy but its true. Even if the connection is subtle, it is there if I am open to it.
The other night I went to class despite the fact that I ate a LOT of garlic at lunch that day. My breath reeked, my stomach was bloated and I was not in the best condition for a class. My husband was like...."you are still going?! Oh man, I feel bad for whoever is next to you!"
Of coarse I still went. I figure you don't open your mouth in yoga-I will be fine, no one will even notice. I really wanted some yoga that night.
At this point, I can taste the garlic in my mouth like the clove was hidden in there somehow. It was gnarly and I did not like it at all. I even said out loud before I ate it, "oh man, this is going to be bad but I don't care."
Later-I cared.
As soon as I walk into the "silent" room, a fellow yogi who I know, instantly came up to me and wanted to chat. Um......this is a SILENT room so as you can imagine, I was forced to whisper with him. I was picturing my husbands face on his face waving his finger and laughing hysterically while saying "I feel sorry for whoever is next to you!" Chad would crack up if he knew I was frickin whispering with some dude.
BUT-in this moment I was able to practice the art of letting go. Yoga has this way about it that keeps my spiritual radar wide open. I am aware. Not only of my body and the class, but of my spirit. Just let this go-I heard in my head. Don't worry if he thinks your breath is stanky and now thinks you have halitosis and possibly are the grossest yogi alive. Why does that matter? It doesn't....let it go.
Whew, letting go felt so liberating. It was not an instant letting go but after a moment or two, I was able to do it. I realize this is a weird and insignificant story but the letting go lesson is something that can help me throughout my life. If garlic and whispering get me to let go then I will take it!
Yoga is practice, whether its a downward dog pose or the art of letting something ego related go.....its all good and its all practice.
I find my place in the room and lay out my mat and get into dead pose. This is my favorite pose of all time, you just lay there and find inner peace......at least that is the goal.
The lady next to me starts HACKING! She is obviously recovering from a cold or throat thing and decided she HAD to come to class. Doesn't she realize how selfish she is being?! How could she do this to me! She is so gross! OMG-if she coughs one more time, I am going to be so pissed. Wait........what am I doing? Why am I thinking these awful things about this nice lady who unfortunately has a cough? What if I just let her cough go? What is so different about a cough vs garlic? Someone could have easily thought the same thoughts about me with garlic. Yoga lesson number two, we are all connected and number three-its always all good. Each time I take a class I realize the yoga is not always in the physical postures-but inside the mind during the class.
Could I ignore this lady's cough? Really ignore it and love her anyways? Send her healing energy and love rather than anything else?
I found I could. It was not easy, each time she coughed for the first instant I was irritated but the seconds that followed allowed me to work through it and let it go, love her and feed my own soul with positivity rather than the negativity.
While I was practicing letting go, I was having an amazing yoga class physically. I felt my body going an inch further when I needed to. Slipping more comfortably into standing bird and feeling places to adjust myself. I do think the physical side of class is a necesary distraction for getting my mind through the other mud. I picture my body holding my mind's hand and saying-"hey, lets walk through this park together."
I have thought about this class the remainder of my week. When something at work is bothering me, I continue to practice the lesson of letting go. It feels so much better than holding on.

Hill workout

I did an amazing workout at home the other day and wanted to share it with my homies.
I had major energy, a great playlist, not much of a plan and no equipment.  oh ya.
I live in a condo complex that has a very long and safe driveway.  It is more of a hill  and when you are running up it repeatedly, it seems long.
I decided I would run up the hill and jog down, doing 10 burpees at the bottom and repeating this combo, 10 times.
It was awesomely hard and I really made sure I pushed myself up that hill hard core each and every time. 
At one point I saw a lady from the old folks home come out and watch me and that made me even more motivated.  I had to show her I was strong!
When I was done with my 10 times up the hill/burpee combo, I did 10 more, this time stopping halfway up the hill to do 10 jump lunges and then when I got to the very top I put my feet at the top of the hill and my hands going downhill (on the grass, so I would not get hit by cars) and did 5 decline push ups.  I was really struggling the second half but the mojo was strong so I completed the workout.
Hills are such an amazing tool for home workouts.  If you want to do this with your bambino, just put them in a stroller and go for it! Don't worry about neighbors watching or people thinking you are crazy for doing cool workout moves.  Who cares.  Seriously.
If you want something a little less crazy, find an amazing hill and walk up and down it, many times.  Listen to your breath, feel your body, you will know if you are working hard or not.   
Get creative.
Set goals for the workout and don't stop until you are done!

Sexy and I Know It

My little fam moved into a new place about a week ago.  Moving is never easy but we feel so upgraded, so refreshed.  While packing up boxes I found my wedding dress, the most elegant dress that has ever been in my Universe.  My wedding day was one of the happiest days of my life and that dress brought back so many memories.  I remember feeling so beautiful that day, so loved.  So happy.  I could not wait to put that dress on again and feel even closer to that day.
I slipped  my feet in.
Pulled up the beautiful white fabric- and reached for the zipper.

It didn't fit.
What the........
Like, not even hold your breath and don't move, you can zip this up for a second, not fit.
Here is a recap of my thoughts as accurately and honestly as I can convey them immediately after this realization:
Holy shit.  It doesn't fucking fit.  I am a fatty.
I need to lose 15 lbs as soon as humanly possible.
What did I eat today?
Should I cleanse?  Maybe just cut out sugar and carbs.
I wonder if I look fat.  Can anyone tell I used to be skinny and now I'm not?
I wonder if Chad thinks I am fat?
If I was in Fitness magazine, I would look ginormous.  I could never be in that magazine.
If I want to be in that magazine, I better lose the weight.
Do my students think I need to lose weight?
Do they wish I was skinnier?
I love chocolate. 
Peanut butter and jelly toast is a staple of my morning.  shit.  I love waking up to that.  shit.

the above thoughts all happened almost simultaneously in a matter of two seconds.

I say to Chad, "honey, maybe I need to lose some weight, this thing doesn't fit."
Chad to me-"huh? are you sure?"  (he probably cant even tell the difference. love him.)

deep breath.  stay present.
thoughts flowed quickly again.  this time more honestly.  less in the fear. 

I am beautiful, who needs to fit into this thing?
Man, I was STARVING that day.
it used to be so hard to listen to my body.  i enjoy listening to it now.  I don't ever want to lose that.
I feel really good in this weight.  I rock this weight.  I have strong muscles.
I can actually eat and not obsess about food anymore.  That feels amazing.
I am beautiful and healthy whether I fit into this thing or not.
What made this dress the definition of perfect?  I guess that is up to me.
I don't ever want to fit into this thing or feel like I should have to.
I had a frickin baby.  I made a person.  I am awesome.
I don't want to diet and I am very comfortable in my skin.  I love eating healthy and working out.
I don't want anyone that I train to feel like they have to be who they were 5 years ago.
I am 34 frickin years old and I teach hard core fitness classes. BOOM, yes!
That dress is so five years ago.  change is good.
You can not defeat me, dress.  We had a good time, you are done now.
I can't believe I am okay with this.
That is really awesome.

me to Chad-"actually, I am crazy, I am totally cool with it.  I almost lost it there for a sec.  I feel pretty good with not fittin into this thing."
Chad to me -"hon, you look amazing."

I smile and realize I just defeated my ego.  I appreciate how I can sift through my brain and get to a place of love and gratitude. 

That Sunday I told my spin class at Fly about the wedding dress incident.  A few ladies actually clapped and every single woman in class could relate to the story in some way.  I felt so much stronger and more confident after I shared the story out loud.  I could feel my body respond to the positive energy and appreciate the praise.  One of the things that really truly helps me step into the authentic me is being honest and sharing as much as I can, even if it puts me into vulnerability.

This post is a reminder that you are a new you, everyday.  A healthy body does not exist based on the scale.  Health is how you feel in your skin.  How you choose to fuel yourself and move.
Here is to healthy living and loving ourselves.  If we are truly doing that...........whatever follows is amazing and beautiful.

 wedding day, August 11, 2007, weight watchers, really restrictive and hard on myself, trying to figure out how to be happy in my body.

 present day June 2012
a whole new focus, happiness and piece of mind.  It's funny, you would never know from looking at the outside.

Comparison-It's a Killer

I found an old blog post that I wrote almost a year ago.  It made me laugh and not laugh because I feel like I still struggle with the same issue.  I actually made myself feel better by finding and reading the old post.  I am proud of the me who wrote so confidently and it made me remember how good that feels. I thought I would share this ole post in case anyone else needed the same reminder.  Let's love ourselves and accomplish whatever goals we desire.  I kept saying in class this week that power really comes from vulnerability.  I truly believe that and that is part of the reason I write so candidly.  Spilling my guts to the world can sometimes give me my power back. 

So here it is-
Comparrison. Is it ever really a good thing? I am game for friendly competition when it motivates me or lights a fire under my ass in a good way. Lately though, I have been comparing my own body to other bodies. Is this needed? No. It seems to happen without my control. The day starts out normal, wake up, feel good, proud of how sore I am from my workouts, eat a healthy breakfast, head out of the house-ready to feel awesome. Then I see some chick with lean muscles, a nice tan, probably a six pack somewhere and a little piece of me freaks out. I start to pick apart my own body, analyze my body fat percentage, worry that I eat too much, wonder how long it would take me to look like them, exactly. Does this sound crazy? It should, because although I am thinking these things, at the same time, I know perfectly well that these thoughts are totally bullshit crazy. Its like I cant help it, the thoughts start to snowball and my confidence takes a backseat for atleast a few minutes. I have really been paying attention to when this happens and focusing on talking myself back into reality. I owe it to myself to let these negative thoughts go. I guess its all just fear. Fear of what? Not really sure, I guess being totally and completey comfortable with who I am. Can I live in that comfort? I really think I can. It is going to take some effort to send love to myself whenever I feel doubt. Send love and appreciation to all the hard bodies out there that I start to envy. My son Dutch is a constant reminder to get real. My body made him, for the love of GOD. I need and want to radiate self love in his honor. I notice when I do feel good about myself and value who I am no matter what that is, I feel empowered. When I love me, no matter what is going on with someone else, I remain happy. I think its wierd that the natural tendency for women is to be so self punishing, even if its a small thought. I work with some amazing teenage girls and it reminds me so much of the struggles I had when I was in my teens. Self love was pretty much non existant from the age of 16-26 for me. That is ten years of negative thinking to recalibrate and it is defnately feeling like a whole new view on life. I think all women struggle with insecurities. How can they not when everywhere they look are supermodels, reality tv stars, magazines and diet pills. I want every woman to realize they are beautiful, good enough and its okay if there are other people out there that have the hot looks. There is enough beauty, love and happiness to go around. I want to remind myself to admire other women and remain confident no matter who is around me. No matter who you are, you are good enough. Always. High five sisters.

Hollenbeck Hardcore Workout Wednesday

Sarah Hollenbeck turns 30 today.  Who is Sarah Hollenbeck?  She is a friend that takes classes at Fly Fitness and she is one of the most awesome people ever.  I created a workout in her honor today because it IS her birthday and I want to do what I can to celebrate her.  She is someone who is excited about turning 30 which is so impressive to me.  Every birthday comes no matter what so why not use it as an opportunity to celebrate, right, girlfriend?  Sarah is someone that is extremely dedicated to fitness and overall health and when you are around her, you feel happier just because she is such a positive person.  I know Sarah has gone through some hard times this year, like we all do when we are in this adventure called life.  What has truly impressed me is that she seems stronger, more loving of herself and even more willing to take whatever comes her way. 
A person really does reveal their self confidence in the gym and this chick-a-dee is no exception.  If you have been in class with her she is the one hootin and hollerin that her body is burning all the while pushing herself as hard as she can EVERY TIME.  Even when she was not physically feeling her best this year, she took the time to find her edge that day- and go right there.  I am inspired, LITERALLY INSPIRED, by Sarah.
We all go about our daily business, interacting with people, forming opinions and thoughts.  Taking what we can from each situation.  I am pretty sure Sarah knows that I think she is awesome but she probably doesn't know that she positively impacts my life on a pretty big scale every day I see her.  That is a pretty cool thing.  So today, how do you want to be?  How do you want to live your day?  How do you want to treat people?  I am pretty sure Sarah is going to be making people laugh and smile all day long.  That sounds pretty fun to me.

Here is my Hollenbeck Hardcore workout for this special day.

Warm up your body for at least 3 mins before starting this workout.  Remember I have 8lb. dumbbells at home so that is what I use.  Feel free to modify any of these exercises to find your level of hard.
The beginning of this workout is when your heart rate will be the highest, you will sweat and you should be breathing heavy.  All of the reps are done to the beat of the music, or one count.  Make sure you know the form for these moves.  That is always rule number one.  I was listening to BT Every Other Way and Love Will Kill You.  Find beats similar to that or just a fast pace.

Today is about STRENGTH.

Split lunge with bicep curl 20 curls, switch legs and hold for 20 more curls
One leg balancing airplane row 15, switch legs, 15 again
Assisted Pull ups 15 (if you don't have a pull up bar, just do another set of rows)
Push ups on toes 20
Tricep dips 30
Squat with a dumbbell lat raise 20
you will think I am crazy right here.  Catch your breath and GO, you can do this.
Squat with an X press 20
plank on your elbows 1 min
cobra pose on your mat for 3 long slow breaths
crunches 50
reverse crunches 30
oblique twist with one dumbbell 40
Now back on your feet, lets burn it out!!!  Focus on your muscles that you are working!
bicep curl with dumbbells 50
tricep dips 40
push ups on toes 10 push ups on knees 10
assisted pull ups 15
overhead seated shoulder press 20
plank with arms fully extended 1 min.  really squeeze your belly button to your spine as tight as you can, the entire time. 
jack knife sit ups 20  lay your body long on the mat, then bring your arms to your toes, right up in the air.
calf raises 50, then hold high for 10 seconds, then give me 20 jumps while on your tip toes.  You will have a bend in your knees, get high on the balls of your feet and jump.
hammy curl on soccer ball or other household object 30  lay on your back, feet up on the ball and lift your hips, like a pelvic thrust
leg lifts to when you think you cant go on, then hold for 10 seconds and give me 10 more
inner thigh lift 50, hold for 10
repeat other side
crunches 50
hammy curl on soccer ball 30
Now, the last 10-15 mins of this I did a yoga flow series.  It was like free style yoga and it went something like
Warrior 1, 2, 3 with reverse warrior on either side
I did some balancing like tree, dancer
Then I flowed to the mat for bow pose and stretch.
I want you to just follow your music and your body through a yoga series at the end.  If you really need to you can just find a yoga video on cable or something but the whole point was to just listen to your body and breath and find a practice that feels good.  It was really relaxing and I had Adelle, Counting Crows and Florence and the Machine helping me along.
I felt seriously amazing after this workout today.  I hope you do too and if you do this, please let me know!!!  I know Sarah is going to do this at some point.  She is that supportive voice who tells me how much she appreciates my blog.  It really helps me find the confidence to keep writing. 

I have not done an at home workout for awhile because I have been getting out to get my sweat on.  It felt great and for some crazy reason Dutch was entertaining himself downstairs.  It was amazing.  I had a few pangs of guilt, like, man-I should be playing with him right now.  Then I quickly let those thoughts go because I KNOW I deserved an hour to myself.  I focus every single minute of his waking life on him so I could take an hour without feeling bad.  I coached myself through it.  Namaste!

What NEVER works for Fit Mama....EXTREMES

What Never works for Fit Mama?  EXTREMES.
Before I share exactly what that means, please remember my philosophy.  You need to do what feels good to you and follow that feeling, always.  Trust and listen to your body.
There are a few things I need to rant about today.
1. CLEANSING
I am not a fan of any cleanse that does not include food for a certain number of days.  In fact when I have done a "cleanse" in the past, it only made me HUNGRY, ANGRY, CRANKY, MEAN, UNHAPPY, HUNGRY and HUNGRY.  For me, it has the opposite effect and makes me want to eat anything and everything.  I used to be a cleanse fanatic and would get so excited to drop 12 lbs. in 2 weeks by just drinking shakes and eating nuts "when you really needed to."  UM....mama no likey.  I would lose weight, yes, but in my opinion it was not because my body was releasing toxins.  It was because I was starving myself.  I do understand the health benefits of taking a break from certain things like caffeine, dairy, sugar, processed foods like breads for a limited amount of time.  Sometimes you need to get your groove back, to break addictive habits like eating chocolate after every meal (I am working on this....no, actually, no I am not.  Not today anyway)  I am talking about the shake cleanses, the juice cleanses, the artificial cleanses sold in pretty little packages.  I just worry that powerful marketing for the latest and greatest cleanse is giving people the wrong tools.  I don't think extremes work for the long term and if someone wants to get healthy and change their life, I want them to know they can be just as effective without starving themselves.  You can eat healthy and clean and feel good first.  I really truly believe that if you start inside the body will follow.  It's science.  It's the law's of the Universe.  Start by treating your body kind and loving.  Feed it good foods that make you feel better inside yourself.  Your body will be so happy and will start to show that by trimming down.
2. EXCESSIVE WORKING OUT
I have heard it one too many times.  "I was bad last week so I am going to do two spin classes a day for the next two weeks."  Okay, maybe that is an extreme example but sometimes I think people make exercise a punishment rather than a tool.  I understand falling out of routines for a few days, maybe talking yourself back into the gym.  The thing that can sometimes have the opposite effect on success is going to extreme, then realizing the work is too much, quitting and repeat.  In my own personal experience when I would be hard on myself or cruel, it would affect how I felt in my body.  It would lead me to the wrong place and I would feel guilty so the cycle would continue again.  My advice for creating a fitness routine is finding something you love to do.  Find something you enjoy or something you atleast want to see if you can learn to enjoy.  Do the amount that feels right.  Work as hard as you can in one class so that one class is enough.  I completely understand sometimes a double dip (two classes in a row) is in order, just to see what you are made of or possibly you are feeling super strong that particular night.  That is alot different than...."I was bad so I am going to make myself take two classes in a row."  The punishment always leads to rebellion which means stopping the workouts.  What if you worked out to FEEL GOOD.  Period.  I say it all the time, your body will follow your thoughts every time.  This example is no exception.
3. THE SCALE
I know this one is controversial because for some people, they have no issue with the scale.  It motivates them.  They can weigh themselves and not obsess.  Not Fit Mama.  (for some reason it makes me lol when I do third person Fit Mama)  I don't do the scale.  Once again, I used to.  I used to go NUTSO over it.  I had to learn it didn't work for me.  Simple way to realize what works and what doesn't is to ask yourself some questions......does this make me feel good?  does this help me reach my goals?  does this motivate me or make me feel discouraged?  I have the perfect example to share.  I have an absolutely gorgeous, lean, healthy client who comes to my toughest class.  This woman is a knock out.  She is extremely hard on herself and this week she was upset because she had "gained 3 lbs."  First of all, I don't think she gained the three pounds-I didn't see them anywhere on her and second of all, if she did-they looked great on her.  Did you hear that?  THEY LOOKED GREAT.  She is a scale person like me and has some crazy number in her head, probably from when she was like 21, of what she should weigh.  Why?  Who is the judge?  The judge is how you feel.  This beautiful woman had been working so hard.  She was about to go on vacation and wanted to enjoy how she felt in her bikini.  Because of the 3 lbs. she was not going to allow herself to feel good in a swimsuit.  It killed me but I can understand because I used to do the same thing.  Back in my weight watcher days I would eat as much pudding as I could handle, feel totally gross and awful in my body.  (what IS pudding???) As long as I lost weight that week I would celebrate by eating more pudding, feeling gross.  NO MAKEY SENSEY.

deep breath.  Today I encourage you to find YOUR guidelines.  Not rules- but find what makes you feel successful.  Take inventory on your patterns and evaluate which one's are working.  It all boils down to how you feel.  Every time.  Take a step and start to be aware of how you feel in your body.  Create that connection.  Free yourself from anything that has been holding you hostage to AWESOMENESS.