Proud

I love my body. I am serious. What do you think of when I say that? I am curious? I think our society has tried to train us to hate our bodies and doubt ourselves so that we can buy more, need more. What I realized and have been going over in my mind is that for once in my life, I am totally and completely proud and in love with my body. I hope that by writing this and sharing how I feel will help others do the same or possibly give them permission to CHANGE how they feel about themselves. Let it be okay to be happy and loved. Every single person deserves this feeling because we are all amazing just because we exist. I just got super deep right there, but I am serious. It was not an easy journey to get to this realization. There were many many years that I did not feel this way. In fact, I probably hated my appearance for a number of stupid reasons that I completely imagined up in my head. BUT this is the first time in my life that I actually love myself, inside and out. Sure, sometimes I pick on myself or get into negative thinking but I make a decision to be concious of that, to redirect that, to be in charge of my thoughts. I have been on a journey to find peace and the key to that has been love. Every time. So, my question is, do you love yourself and is that okay? Do you want to live in a happy body that feels respected and appreciated? Seriously, what if your body was a seperate being, like your best friend. (If you think about it, your body does a whole heck of a lot more than anyone or anything else in your life) What if everyday, day in and day out you were hurtful, negative and mean to your best friend? Saying things like, you are so ugly, lazy, you could never do that, why are you so fat, ugh, you are just gross. How would that feel? Horrible! Just typing those statements got me feeling all not good. How would your body react? Negatively. Then please tell me why someone who says they are happy with themselves, they love themselves, why does society try to make them feel conceited, less than, egotistical? We are all in charge of how we react to things and how we feel about things. That is where the power lies.

The main reason I love teaching fitness classes is helping people find respect and love for their bodies. There are days I position the bikes so that people are forced to look themselves in the eye. I am shocked when an ENTIRE class of beautiful, fit women have trouble doing that. I have also seen a room that starts out avoiding eye contact in the mirror, open up to it- and realize its safe and actually pretty cool. I LOVE THAT! I want the world to know that it can be okay to completey and totally love who you are, no matter what. How did I come to this realization? It really started with setting a goal for myself because I needed something. I have been writing it down for atleast the last 5 years and that is-- I want to have a healthy and happy relationship with my body. That has been my goal for awhile because I was really struggling. Part of me didn't even believe I would ever really accomplish that goal but I knew I would never stop trying to find my path.

Let me break it down for you:
In high school I was completely insecure and so worried about being liked. I had little self respect although there was a little bit hiding in there somewhere. Of corse this lack of self confidence showed itself in my behavior and relationships.
College- I started to really love working out and lost alot of weight the summer before I started WSU but I was a little too obsessed with being HOT. I was way too concerned with the scale and being skinny with little regard to how I was feeling in my body. I had confidence but not inward. I remember thinking, "I hope I can lose weight and look really good and then I will get a fresh start. No one will know who I really am or that I am not cool at all." I decided my self worth based on how I fit into my pants or looked in the party pics. I really didnt realize how far off I was, I thought I was rockin it. oh boy, I had a long way to go.
Late twenties were a mix of finding more of myself and still struggling with my insecurities. I was too busy getting my party on, hiding behind alcohol and trying to figure out who I was after college, to even slow down and form a relationship with myself, although this is when I started to open my eyes. I started to want more.
Dont get me wrong- I was never a bad person and I had a great time through all of this, my point is, I was not proud of my body during any of those years, no matter what I looked like. That is when I had the beauty of youth on my side but no matter how I looked, I felt ugly and obsessed because of my head space.

At 33 years old I have never felt healthier in my life. I am 15 pounds heavier than my college days, I have had a baby and I am far from perfect but I LOVE myself. I have learned how to find the mind body connection and focus on how I feel rather than how I look. I do think I look great and I want that to be okay. I feel strong when I exercise, I LOVE food and am so happy that I finally know how to eat without feeling too full. I can carry my 40 lb child through the grocery store AND push that TOTALLY LAME cart that looks like a car. I eat desert quite often and love my carbs but I want to feed my body healthy foods because it feels so much better. It feels awesome to be inside a body that is healthy, strong and loved. My perspective and my mind have created this love and acceptance for my body, not the way I eat or how I workout although of corse that matters. It had to start in my mind and my heart before anywhere else. Once I let go of trying to do things to look good or fit into someone else's standards, I found what I had always wanted.....to love myself and my body no matter what. Funny how once you let go the magic happens. Once the love is there you want to eat better, exercise, see what you can accomplish.

I hope anyone who is reading this who feels lost or would like to change their perpsective, realizes you can, 100%. What if you started just by setting a goal for yourself? What is it you really want and how do you want to feel inside your own body? That might just start a chain reaction into motion that can guide you wherever you want to go.