I just want to cry

Today I went to Juanita Beach on my lunch break.
I spoke to my dog, Vader.  I miss him so much.  He is dead.
The last year of his life was spent away from our family.
I am a fucking idiot ass hole.

I have been feeling that way alot lately.
I am an idiot ass hole.

I am fucking pissed off about it.

Do you ever feel tired of life?
Not in a suicidal way but in a way like...........of pure exhaustion of being in  your own head?  I feel a breaking point of being sick of myself.  I know that means that an awakening is coming and lessons are being learned but honestly, right now, I just want to scream. Throw things. Punch someone. Rage, man.  I feel rage. Not for anyone other than myself.

Not for the world, although the world is full of rage.
And I feel that.......

I feel my own rage.........for Casey.  I feel rage for my fucking feelings. I am sick of feeling so much.
I am so sick of all of my judgments, worries, obligations. Complaining. Time wasting.  All these projects I want to start and I never do.  All these things I want to write and I never do.  All these things I want to enjoy and experience and I never do. Not fully. I am halfway in and halfway out. 

I guess the good news is, I am sick of myself and I can control that.
But honestly right now, I am sick of trying to see the bright side of everything all the time. It feels like another obligation.  Right now, I just want to cry.