In the quiet stillness of the morning,
I am the couch.
I am the breath.
I am the birds.
I am the books.
I am the trees.
In the quiet stillness of the morning,
I have not yet had enough day to become my thoughts.
Friday, July 6, 2018
Monday, April 30, 2018
Happy birthday to me
40.
I remember my post from 39 when I said, I am basically 40 now.
I wasn't. I had a whole year in between. I had so much time.
I see time and feel time completely different the older I get.
I see time as this gift. This precious thing that I don't want to lose and I know I will no matter what.
I remember how time seemed to slip by so slowly in my younger years.It was punishing me by moving so slow. I was so self absorbed I thought even time was against me. I really could not feel the significance or the reality of it until today. Or Maybe, I just transitioned to a different mind set. One that comes with experiences and loves and losses and beauty and pain and suffering and healing.
Whatever it is, I love it. I appreciate it.
Yes, my body is 40 but my MIND is 40. My beautiful mature mind. It is so much more peaceful than before. So much less about me.
I guess at 40, I feel the Universe.
I remember my post from 39 when I said, I am basically 40 now.
I wasn't. I had a whole year in between. I had so much time.
I see time and feel time completely different the older I get.
I see time as this gift. This precious thing that I don't want to lose and I know I will no matter what.
I remember how time seemed to slip by so slowly in my younger years.It was punishing me by moving so slow. I was so self absorbed I thought even time was against me. I really could not feel the significance or the reality of it until today. Or Maybe, I just transitioned to a different mind set. One that comes with experiences and loves and losses and beauty and pain and suffering and healing.
Whatever it is, I love it. I appreciate it.
Yes, my body is 40 but my MIND is 40. My beautiful mature mind. It is so much more peaceful than before. So much less about me.
I guess at 40, I feel the Universe.
Thursday, April 12, 2018
My Brain Mind today
I am in my head. I am in there, man.
The auto pilot voice is so nasty sometimes.
After all my years of working on my spirit, myself, my voice.
I am still not there yet. I know that is normal and it is so fucking annoying.
I know I get my period every month and that I get grouchy.
But then it comes and I feel this inner rage that I am holding back like an old lady in a blanket. I know that doesn't make any sense but whatever.
I am a woman, in pain, and my rage is an old lady in a blanket. I am not actually sure if my body is holding back the rage or my mind.
It feels like my body, but sometimes my mind is everything and I don't even know it. My mind is controlling it all. My thoughts, my actions, my desires, my desire to eat chocolate, to watch tv and to not watch tv.
When I call it my mind I feel like it is this spiritual thing.
When I call it my brain I wonder if any of this really matters?
I think I watched too many episodes of Black Mirror and I feel trapped inside the confusion.
If anyone asks I will say, "I am doing awesome! How are you?"
selfie.
smiling.
angles.
filters.
avoiding.
sharing.
same.
The auto pilot voice is so nasty sometimes.
After all my years of working on my spirit, myself, my voice.
I am still not there yet. I know that is normal and it is so fucking annoying.
I know I get my period every month and that I get grouchy.
But then it comes and I feel this inner rage that I am holding back like an old lady in a blanket. I know that doesn't make any sense but whatever.
I am a woman, in pain, and my rage is an old lady in a blanket. I am not actually sure if my body is holding back the rage or my mind.
It feels like my body, but sometimes my mind is everything and I don't even know it. My mind is controlling it all. My thoughts, my actions, my desires, my desire to eat chocolate, to watch tv and to not watch tv.
When I call it my mind I feel like it is this spiritual thing.
When I call it my brain I wonder if any of this really matters?
I think I watched too many episodes of Black Mirror and I feel trapped inside the confusion.
If anyone asks I will say, "I am doing awesome! How are you?"
selfie.
smiling.
angles.
filters.
avoiding.
sharing.
same.
What is it like to be me? When I stop judging myself.........
I heard that question today.
"What is it like to be me? When I stop judging myself........." It was like a punch in the face.
Just stop for a second and think about this question. I have to stop again as I am typing it because I am not even sure if I know how to answer it.
I am almost scared to try. I am uncomfortable being in that space. The -non judgy of myself -space. It really is so hard to be real and honest with myself without judgment. It is so hard for me to let things go. I hold on to things so tightly. Not everything. But things that involve me......and judging me.
Daily.
"What is it like to be me? When I stop judging myself........." It was like a punch in the face.
Just stop for a second and think about this question. I have to stop again as I am typing it because I am not even sure if I know how to answer it.
I am almost scared to try. I am uncomfortable being in that space. The -non judgy of myself -space. It really is so hard to be real and honest with myself without judgment. It is so hard for me to let things go. I hold on to things so tightly. Not everything. But things that involve me......and judging me.
Daily.
I just want to cry
Today I went to Juanita Beach on my lunch break.
I spoke to my dog, Vader. I miss him so much. He is dead.
The last year of his life was spent away from our family.
I am a fucking idiot ass hole.
I have been feeling that way alot lately.
I am an idiot ass hole.
I am fucking pissed off about it.
Do you ever feel tired of life?
Not in a suicidal way but in a way like...........of pure exhaustion of being in your own head? I feel a breaking point of being sick of myself. I know that means that an awakening is coming and lessons are being learned but honestly, right now, I just want to scream. Throw things. Punch someone. Rage, man. I feel rage. Not for anyone other than myself.
Not for the world, although the world is full of rage.
And I feel that.......
I feel my own rage.........for Casey. I feel rage for my fucking feelings. I am sick of feeling so much.
I am so sick of all of my judgments, worries, obligations. Complaining. Time wasting. All these projects I want to start and I never do. All these things I want to write and I never do. All these things I want to enjoy and experience and I never do. Not fully. I am halfway in and halfway out.
I guess the good news is, I am sick of myself and I can control that.
But honestly right now, I am sick of trying to see the bright side of everything all the time. It feels like another obligation. Right now, I just want to cry.
I spoke to my dog, Vader. I miss him so much. He is dead.
The last year of his life was spent away from our family.
I am a fucking idiot ass hole.
I have been feeling that way alot lately.
I am an idiot ass hole.
I am fucking pissed off about it.
Do you ever feel tired of life?
Not in a suicidal way but in a way like...........of pure exhaustion of being in your own head? I feel a breaking point of being sick of myself. I know that means that an awakening is coming and lessons are being learned but honestly, right now, I just want to scream. Throw things. Punch someone. Rage, man. I feel rage. Not for anyone other than myself.
Not for the world, although the world is full of rage.
And I feel that.......
I feel my own rage.........for Casey. I feel rage for my fucking feelings. I am sick of feeling so much.
I am so sick of all of my judgments, worries, obligations. Complaining. Time wasting. All these projects I want to start and I never do. All these things I want to write and I never do. All these things I want to enjoy and experience and I never do. Not fully. I am halfway in and halfway out.
I guess the good news is, I am sick of myself and I can control that.
But honestly right now, I am sick of trying to see the bright side of everything all the time. It feels like another obligation. Right now, I just want to cry.
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