The quiet morning

In the quiet stillness of the morning,
I am the couch.
I am the breath.
I am the birds.
I am the books.
I am the trees.
In the quiet stillness of the morning,
I have not yet had enough day to become my thoughts.

Happy birthday to me

40.
I remember my post from 39 when I said, I am basically 40 now.
I wasn't.  I had a whole year in between.  I had so much time.
I see time and feel time completely different the older I get.
I see time as this gift.  This precious thing that I don't want to lose and I know I will no matter what.
I remember how time seemed to slip by so slowly in my younger years.It was punishing me by moving so slow. I was so self absorbed I thought even time was against me. I really could not feel the significance or the reality of it until today. Or Maybe, I just transitioned to a different mind set. One that comes with experiences and loves and losses and beauty and pain and suffering and healing.
Whatever it is, I love it. I appreciate it.
Yes, my body is 40 but my MIND is 40. My beautiful mature mind. It is so much more peaceful than before.  So much less about me.
I guess at 40, I feel the Universe.

My Brain Mind today

I am in my head. I am in there, man.
The auto pilot voice is so nasty sometimes.
After all my years of working on my spirit, myself, my voice.
I am still not there yet. I know that is normal and it is so fucking annoying.

I know I get my period every month and that I get grouchy.
But then it comes and I feel this inner rage that I am holding back like an old lady in a blanket. I know that doesn't make any sense but whatever.
I am a woman, in pain, and my rage is an old lady in a blanket.  I am not actually sure if my body is holding back the rage or my mind.

It feels like my body, but sometimes my mind is everything and I don't even know it. My mind is controlling it all.  My thoughts, my actions, my desires, my desire to eat chocolate, to watch tv and to not watch tv.
When I call it my mind I feel like it is this spiritual thing.
When I call it my brain I wonder if any of this really matters?

I think I watched too many episodes of Black Mirror and I feel trapped inside the confusion.

If anyone asks I will say, "I am doing awesome!  How are you?"

selfie.
smiling.
angles.
filters.
avoiding.
sharing.
same.

What is it like to be me? When I stop judging myself.........

I heard that question today.
"What is it like to be me?  When I stop judging myself........."  It was like a punch in the face. 

Just stop for a second and think about this question.  I have to stop again as I am typing it because I am not even sure if I know how to answer it.

I am almost scared to try.  I am uncomfortable being in that space.  The -non judgy of myself -space.  It really is so hard to be real and honest with myself without judgment.  It is so hard for me to let things go.  I hold on to things so tightly.  Not everything.  But things that involve me......and judging me. 

Daily.

I just want to cry

Today I went to Juanita Beach on my lunch break.
I spoke to my dog, Vader.  I miss him so much.  He is dead.
The last year of his life was spent away from our family.
I am a fucking idiot ass hole.

I have been feeling that way alot lately.
I am an idiot ass hole.

I am fucking pissed off about it.

Do you ever feel tired of life?
Not in a suicidal way but in a way like...........of pure exhaustion of being in  your own head?  I feel a breaking point of being sick of myself.  I know that means that an awakening is coming and lessons are being learned but honestly, right now, I just want to scream. Throw things. Punch someone. Rage, man.  I feel rage. Not for anyone other than myself.

Not for the world, although the world is full of rage.
And I feel that.......

I feel my own rage.........for Casey.  I feel rage for my fucking feelings. I am sick of feeling so much.
I am so sick of all of my judgments, worries, obligations. Complaining. Time wasting.  All these projects I want to start and I never do.  All these things I want to write and I never do.  All these things I want to enjoy and experience and I never do. Not fully. I am halfway in and halfway out. 

I guess the good news is, I am sick of myself and I can control that.
But honestly right now, I am sick of trying to see the bright side of everything all the time. It feels like another obligation.  Right now, I just want to cry.

Marriage

 I really don’t know if my marriage is “normal” because I don’t know what goes on in others.  There is so much that goes on in our home that I realize no one knows but us.  Families are so sacred.  So close.  So important. 

Chad and I met a long time ago.  He was 21 and I was 23.  I was working at a big gym at the time and he walked in with his muscles and his big blonde hair, his tanning bed tan and I was like…..DAYUM.  who dat?!

We became very good friends.  I had just gone through heart break and I had decided to find my independence.  I ended up moving to San Diego and Chad and I lost touch…….until he found my on myspace.  Yup.  Totally.

I eventually moved home from California to be with Chad, although, maybe I didn’t know it at the time.  “I was totally not moving home for any guy.” We were not dating for very long before we got married.  Looking back now, I knew I was head over heels in love with him when we got married.  I don’t think I really knew him yet but I knew why I wanted to marry him.  He loved me.  He loved me no matter what and he supported me.  He was funny and there was that connection with him.  It was this unexplainable connection.   I just knew he was my guy.  For life.  I also loved his family, that was a big deal.

Okay so here we are.  Married for seven years, almost eight.  I still really do love him with all of my heart.  I am still head over heels.  Let me explain before you throw up everywhere.  With each year and each struggle, each fight, each parenting decision, each laugh, each night, each day, I think we get to know each other better.  I would imagine at this rate, we are going to be so peaceful by the time we get to 100.  We will know exactly how the other works. 

The first year of our marriage was confusing.  We were already living together but that took some getting used to.  We fought a lot that first year, if I can remember.  Chad was a Trooper in the state patrol.  He was going through stuff I knew nothing about and I was……….I really don’t know what I was……needy, confused sometimes?  I don’t know but we fought.  We also were willing to try to understand what the other needed.  We worked on ourselves.

With each year though, clarity comes. 

I think kids change everything.  We had Dutch three years into our marriage.  I had post partum depression which was not easy but Chad was the one who helped me through that. 

It would be ridiculous to even go into all of our challenges.  We have already had many.  Not every day is an ON day but most days are. 

I do think the most important thing that we give each other is ourselves.  Chad is Chad.  He swears a lot.  He is hilarious.  He pisses me off.  He is a good dad.  He sucks at gifts and holidays.  I mean....I love him for who he is and I don't need him to be perfect because I am not perfect.  I am emotional and sensitive and he understands me.  I talk to him.  I realize I have to say what I need sometimes and so does he.  We share goals, we are in this life as a team.  He has always supported me, that is for sure.  I wanted to quit my corporate job and work at the mall selling yoga pants.  He said, okay, I support you.  He wants to go back to school to get his degree, yes, I support you. 

The main thing, I realize, is not comparing my relationship to someone else's.  There is no, "what SHOULD we be doing?"
We know our family goals because we make them together. I don't think we are very good at setting marriage goals but to me, they are unspoken and spoken at the same time. We listen to each other, we support each other, we value ourselves as individuals and we value our family as a team.  So whatever shit comes up, and IT DOES, we work through it better today because we have worked on that. I appreciate the shit that does come up because it helps us get to a more peaceful place every time. 

The Journey

I am in the middle of a journey.
A journey of my soul.
It is odd to be at a point in my life when I am actually aware of this and in the journey at the same time.
I have created such an awareness over the years.
I am grateful for that.
I am grateful for myself. For the desire to embark on this path, knowing it will change me.
Because it feels bigger than me.
It feels like a big shadow that is leaning over a small child.
Only.........

The shadow is not as scary as it first appears.
It is fear.
Fear feels bigger than it is every time.
I have to walk through.
Every time I think of backing down.  Pretending I don't need this lesson, my body whispers the truth.  It feels like a hollow pit inside my belly.  It feels like a bold faced lie.  It feels like screaming without noise.
Wake up, sweet girl.
You can face this and you will be okay.
Trust the journey.
Trust the truth.
The choice was already made the moment you decided to live AWAKE.


-casey